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#169587 - 07/28/07 10:42 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: Maxx]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: Maxx
Your pain is as legitimate as anyone else's

thank you for that, Maxx. i'm just WAY too tired to argue that one with you tonight.

M


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#169681 - 07/29/07 08:24 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: MarkK]
Army Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 90
Loc: California
Hey Mark,

One thing that helped me to let them flow was doing some memory excersizes. Looking at an old photo of myself and recalling some aspect of the abuse. Focusing on the little hurting boy who did not ask to be hurt. I pictue him, put him in my arms and hold him. And cry.

I used to be afraid to cry cuz I thought I wouldn't stop. It took a while but I did stop. It really helped.

Praying for ya,

Army

_________________________
07 Peebbles WOR Alummni

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#169763 - 07/30/07 08:00 AM Re: rockbottom [Re: Army]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

One thing that might help you is to see this inability to cry as an abuse issue, and not as a personality trait of yours as an individual. We often do this without noticing it - we assume that something troubling us is a fault of ours as an individual, when in fact it's a common problem among survivors. You can see that, I think, from all the responses you have here; you are ringing a bell so many guys recognize!

Once we define this as an abuse issue we entirely reorient the way we address it. If you look back to your childhood, Mark, I bet you will see that you learned very quickly to hide not only what was happening, but also how you felt about it. It's so often a top priority for a boy to cover up what's happening to him, including how he feels - no one must know. I remember desperately fighting to hold back the tears and keep myself from trembling. It was terrible, and it still shows in all the wooden smiles and fake happy poses in photos from those days.

Another side of this is that a boy learns to numb out because that's what he had to do in order to survive. We come to think - falsely, but that's a different problem - that we don't deserve care, sympathy or help, that our feelings don't matter, and that if we cry all that will happen is that we will be exposed, shamed and judged. No wonder we close down.

So allowing ourselves to cry, my friend, is connected with allowing ourselves to feel again. It's something that is part of our recovery. It will come in its own time, when we feel safe enough to let out how we feel. It's connected with a regaining of confidence as well, since in order to let out our feelings we have to let go of that old fear that we are forever doomed and in danger.

So in a way, Mark, I don't think our tears are something we can call forth, much as we might wish we could do so. We have to just "let go" (an ambiguous idea, I know) and allow it to happen. It will come when it comes; it will come when we are ready.

So much of recovery is like that Mark. You came here to MS, for example, on April 2nd of this year. Why not the first? Why not March? Why not 2006? Or whenever? Simple: You came here when you were ready and you could not have done it one second earlier.

That's what we all do - we do things when we can - and that's another aspect of recovery we have to learn to accept. We need to allow things to happen, but then be gentle with ourselves until they do.

Hope this helps.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#169869 - 07/30/07 02:22 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
We need to allow things to happen, but then be gentle with ourselves until they do.

there was no way to fight things then - so i had to allow them to happen. the guy behind the garage - my brother and his friends - my sister - the principal's son. to keep from being hurt i was the punching bag for every jock in jr high.

WHEN DO I GET TO STOP LETTING THINGS HAPPEN?!?

i am tired of things just happening to me. physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. just so tired.

m


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#169890 - 07/30/07 04:20 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: Army]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: Army
One thing that helped me to let them flow was doing some memory excersizes. Looking at an old photo of myself and recalling some aspect of the abuse. Focusing on the little hurting boy who did not ask to be hurt. I pictue him, put him in my arms and hold him. And cry.

key is "recalling some aspect of the abuse". other than knowing things happened, i'm at a loss - the details of it are not accessible, no matter how hard i try. they are more traumatic that either Young Mark or myself care to deal with i guess.

M


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#169946 - 07/30/07 10:38 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: MarkK]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
I'm sorry Mark, maybe I missed it along the way, but was there a particular event that brought you to rock bottom? Or was it just being alone and reflecting on life?

Whatever it was, I can definitely relate to the rock bottom. Wow, have I been there. I hit there in late 2003 and it lasted for 6 months. I had to have tons of help to get better. But, eventually, asi started to heal, I made some changes in my life and I got better. I guess it was the old "as long as I do what I've always done, I'll get what I always got" thing.

It sounds like you're just hanging in there at this point. Do something especially nice for yourself. Maybe some of your loved ones will see that you need some nice things going on in your life and join in to help you feel better.

It took me a long time before I was able to say this, but things do get better...eventually.

God bless


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#169960 - 07/30/07 11:19 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: MusicMan]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: MusicMan
was there a particular event that brought you to rock bottom?

life in general. that and i had a couple good group meetings. and good stuff always crashes the apple cart.

denver_mark


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