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#169510 - 07/28/07 04:56 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: MusicMan]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
cry for me
i have nothing

m


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#169512 - 07/28/07 05:21 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: MusicMan]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Mark, I don't know how to tell you how to let go. I do know that you don't always have to be the rock or superman. You have to give yourself permission to let your feelings show once in awhile. It doesn't mean you're less of a man; it may mean that you are more of one.

It's OK, buddy. It really is. You are a like a volcano right now, and if you don't let off a little steam you're gonna blow sky high.

I wish there was some way I could help you more than that.

Laz

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#169518 - 07/28/07 05:40 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: MarkK]
Maxx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 43
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: MarkK
cry for me
i have nothing

When I first came to this site a couple of weeks ago, I cried everytime I logged on. It felt better than all the times I wished I could have cried for all the pain I felt.

You've been hurt, as we all have. But you've got a wife and family that loves you (more than I've got), a personal support group and an online support group and a faith in God. You can make it.

I've found that emotions can be like the waves of the ocean ... they wash over you, but are then gone and you're still standing.

Stay strong,
Maxx

_________________________
Shackled by guilt I did not create
No absolutions, no paroles or escapes.
Swallow it down, do whatever it takes to get by...

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#169519 - 07/28/07 05:40 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: Lazarus]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Laz,

i appreciate your help (and yes, you are providing help just by talking to me) - my problem isn't showing my feelings.

i can cry at funerals. shoot - i can cry at sad movies.

what i've realized today is i don't cry for myself. and i don't think i ever have. or if i have... it's been a LONG time.

M

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#169520 - 07/28/07 05:45 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: MarkK]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Mark,

Is that because you don't feel you deserve sympathy, especially from yourself? Do you blame yourself for what happened to you or for the emotional turmoil that resulted?

If you can't cry for yourself, cry for Little Mark. He's the one who was hurt after all.

Laz

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#169521 - 07/28/07 05:49 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: Lazarus]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: Lazarus
Is that because you don't feel you deserve sympathy, especially from yourself?

i wish i knew...
Originally Posted By: Lazarus
Do you blame yourself for what happened to you or for the emotional turmoil that resulted?

not consciously, no. i've done a lot of work in that area.
Originally Posted By: Lazarus
If you can't cry for yourself, cry for Little Mark.

and that's the severest of the pain. i can't find the tears. he tells me it's ok, we snuggle the stuffed animal ... but i know i should have tears.

i don't know what's wrong with me \:\(


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#169522 - 07/28/07 05:53 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: MarkK]
Maxx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 43
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: MarkK
i don't know what's wrong with me \:\(

You were sexually abused as a child. It screws everything up.

Maxx

_________________________
Shackled by guilt I did not create
No absolutions, no paroles or escapes.
Swallow it down, do whatever it takes to get by...

Top
#169523 - 07/28/07 05:58 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: Maxx]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
that can't be my excuse for everything


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#169524 - 07/28/07 06:02 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: Maxx]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
There's nothing 'wrong' with you, buddy. It is not wrong to be emotionally distressed about being hurt in the worst way a person can be hurt. And there's nothing wrong with being strong, either. It's the coping mechanism that many of us use just to get by, day to day.

Maybe the moment has passed. Next time, give yourself permission. Little Mark is NOT OK, or you wouldn't be going through all of this. He says he's OK because he doesn't want to hurt you, doesn't want to worry you. But you know better. The only thing you can do now to ease his pain is to console him, hold him close and let him know that you know how bad he's hurt. And if it happens, cry with him.

I will cry for him, and for you. Fact is, I already am.

Laz

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#169529 - 07/28/07 06:34 PM Re: rockbottom [Re: MarkK]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 144
Loc: Elmira, NY
Mark,

I can relate to your feelings 100%. I've been there and still still do that. It's not pleasant, but it happens.

Question: Do you suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)? I do and it is chronic :(. A full blown attack of PTSD always starts out with crying. However, the crying gets so severe that I dissociate from reality, and the crying does not stop throughout. I don't know if that has ever happened to you. I hope not. Crying for me does not necessariy mean that I will fade into PTSD, but the tears are never very far away.

I think our hearts have been so deeply hurt, and the damage has gone soul deep, that crying is the only way that our emotional selves can express it when felt. It's not good, and it's not bad. It just is.

Take good care of you. It sounds like you are very loved and know that we all care very much about you.

God bless


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