Marc
I know that feeling, it's not a good one.

But it's one of those things we have to do, a right of passage if you like ?
It frees our emotions for the first time in so many years, quite probably the last time we really cried was when we were being abused, and we don't want such a strong reminder of that.

Hidden behind the emotion or memory that gives us our tears lie other emotions though, and these we want, and need. We can cry tears of joy and pleasure, and I often do. I sit here and read some posts where someone is telling us all about some small and seemingly unimportant achievement in their recovery, and I'll cry with the simple feeling of pride in someone elses achievement.

Our emotions have been strangled and thrown out by our abusers, and that's possibly the main reason we're 'screwed up' - we NEED emotions to recover.

Survivors tears are different to the tears of fear, ours are sweet !

Dave

Marc,

if it will keep you in therapy, keep pre-paying! Seriously, it is motivation for you, it would make sense. (My girlfriend does that for the gym, but she still doesn't go!)

Seriously though, I have had so much up and down with therapy. I did not even remember the first session, or even that I had gone. Sometimes I still lose the session, when some other part of me decides it is time to talk. But I know that even at the times when it is bad, when I do not want to talk, when I don't like what she says, when I come undone and feel like a two year old or something, it IS helping me. The panic that was an every day, all day thing, it is now once in a while. The flashbacks are fewer, and less intense. The body memories, same, fewer and less crazy. I still lose time, lose myself to 'others' and other such things. But I do believe it is less now. And I am less 'freaked out' by myself.

I hope that you will continue with it, Marc. Because as resistant as I was to it earlier, I know it is helping me a great deal, and I hope you will have the same success. I wish you well, and good luck Marc.

Leosha

Oops, I misquoted. The quote from Mike Lew's "Leaping Upon the Mountains" is by Ismail from Malaysia. Thanks,

Joe