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#167610 - 07/18/07 06:54 PM Re: Meeting Face to Face with My Abuser [Re: pain4ever]
amayn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 14
Just finished reading the article Larry had linked above about disclosure and confrontation written by Ken Singer. And the passage below really spoke to me.

Quote:
any effects of the abuse, such as confused sexual identity, inability to trust others, fear or preoccupation with sexual gratification, should be tied to the abuser in order for him/her to take full responsibility.


Yeah, he should take responsibility for causing all of those things - confused sexual identity, inability to trust others, fear or preoccupation with sexual gratification. Maybe we could add on some more things like inability to be intimate with women, loss of sleep, fear of working out because I don't want to look good any more.

Does everyone go through this? Does this pass?


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#167644 - 07/18/07 09:04 PM Re: Meeting Face to Face with My Abuser [Re: amayn]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Amayn,

Originally Posted By: amayn
Does everyone go through this? Does this pass?


In some way, shape or form, yes, I think we do all go through this or feel challenged by such issues. But yes, it does pass if we are honest about our issues, admit what is really bothering us and why, and then commit to the hard work of dealing with these challenges.

I can look back to myself in 2000 or 2001, or even last year, and see that I am doing things now that I would never have been able to achieve back then. These are not changes that one sees from one day to the next, but if we look back long-term we can usually find plenty of such examples in our lives.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#167682 - 07/19/07 02:32 AM Re: Meeting Face to Face with My Abuser [Re: roadrunner]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Amayn

Maybe I am off base here but was wondering if you have given any thoughts to bringing a crimeal or cival case againest him. That surly is your right, than you would be conforting him in court.

Tom



Edited by Muldoon (07/19/07 02:33 AM)
_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#167759 - 07/19/07 04:25 PM Re: Meeting Face to Face with My Abuser [Re: Muldoon]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
As far a fileing charges aginst a Pedifile You are limited to a time limit in most states . This needs to me changed because the damage done some times takes several years to come to the surface . and then it is to late to do any thing in the courts .
Personaly I would settle for kicking him in the balls then haveing him castrated

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#167935 - 07/20/07 10:27 AM Re: Meeting Face to Face with My Abuser [Re: OKIE MIKE]
amayn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 14
I have considered taking legal action against my abuser since I am still within the statute of limitations (two years - my abuse ended a year ago). However, I am nervous about taking my case to court for several reasons. I'd say the most nerve-racking of all these is that a) I feel like people wouldn't believe me - or worse they would say I was lying, or try to prove in court that I liked it, asked for it, etc. and b) I'm not sure I could handle having all this public attention focused on a situation that I still have trouble dealing with in private.

As far as this goes...

Originally Posted By: OKIE MIKE
Personally, I would settle for kicking him in the balls and then having him castrated.


Yeah, I would settle for that. Maybe we can all get together and take turns.

Have other people here taken legal action against their perps?


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#168133 - 07/21/07 11:23 AM Re: Meeting Face to Face with My Abuser [Re: amayn]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
There are a few here and they may reply to your post. You have to be in a strong way to do this that is most important. Don't do it for anyone else just yourself.

You can take him too both crimanal and cival court. I think it is best to alse take them to crimanal court 1st. That way the police and others will be doing the hard work of proving this happened to you. Most time there will not be a court trail because the perp will not want to go to trail.

Once he is in jail then you can move forward with the cival trail if you want.

Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#168285 - 07/21/07 09:47 PM Re: Meeting Face to Face with My Abuser [Re: Muldoon]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
If you do not follow through with prosicuting this SOB it will haunt You for the rest of your life . Puting this person in Jail is the first step to trying to get your life back . I backed down almost 30 years ago . and I have regreated it every sense For the sake of your self PLEASE follow through while you still can . don't wory about what other people will think . Because You may prevent this from happening to another person.

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#168294 - 07/21/07 10:21 PM Re: Meeting Face to Face with My Abuser [Re: amayn]
Maxx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 43
Loc: Ohio
I wish I could take action against my perp. It was in church, but took place over 30 years ago. Unfortunately, I'm not Catholic, so I can't take part in their settlements. However, your case is recent. I may sound like the cops on Law & Order: SVU but if you don't take him to court or at least try to report him, how many more victims will he have? Take a strike for the rest of us who can't do anything.

[quote=amayn]However, I am nervous about taking my case to court for several reasons. I'd say the most nerve-racking of all these is that a) I feel like people wouldn't believe me - or worse they would say I was lying, or try to prove in court that I liked it, asked for it, etc. and b) I'm not sure I could handle having all this public attention focused on a situation that I still have trouble dealing with in private.[quote]

Sounds like every rape victim I've every heard of. Doesn't invalidate your feelings (I understand them completely) but it doesn't mean you shouldn't take action. You have a support system most victims don't -- your T and us. Plus, if he's a predator, other victims may come forward. However, you must do what you feel is right for you. You are the one who has to live with your actions, not us.

Maxx

_________________________
Shackled by guilt I did not create
No absolutions, no paroles or escapes.
Swallow it down, do whatever it takes to get by...

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#168396 - 07/22/07 11:00 AM Re: Meeting Face to Face with My Abuser [Re: pain4ever]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5779
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Amayn:
Your situation is still relatively fresh. You have a number of options available to you that the other guys who are addressing their abuus years after it ended.

Read the "Disclosure and Confrontation" article, bring in a copy to your T and see if she can help you through the process. Don't go faster than you are comfortable with, don't move to anyone else's agenda, including your T.

If and when you are ready for confrontation, civil or criminal legal procedures, or whatever, be sure to have support from a few people close to you, parents, friends, therapists, or the community here.

Good Luck,
Ken


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