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#16805 - 10/31/02 12:00 AM Wondering aloud
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
This maybe got buried in a post I made about the SASS art show, but I want to highlight it.

It's the words of one of the Survivor artists.

Quote:
I know all about Surviving,
Now I'm learning about living.
I guess I'm having a lot of trouble finally learning about living.

After so many years of hiding and being afraid to try, to do, to feel, to experience, to be, to LIVE; Where do you start?

From the outside my life is fine. Single, no dependents, no entanglements of any kind, good income, pretty good health.

For so long I resigned myself to the idea that what I did not have, what I could not deal with, I didn't really want.

And now that I have the understanding and the means to do or try so many many things, I sit and wonder, "What do I want?"

But I have no answer. It's just such an awful and yet amazing emptiness.

Sound familiar?

D.

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#16806 - 10/31/02 10:57 AM Re: Wondering aloud
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Sounds very familiar Don. There's no point to healing if we don't move on with life. We must remember that we are people first and victims second. In a similar vein .... too often we are afraid of success.


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#16807 - 10/31/02 12:45 PM Re: Wondering aloud
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
From the beginning of my recovery this has been my determination:

I'm not just recovering from something, I'm also recovering to something, or rather into someone, the someone I was always meant to be & will be.

I don't know what all that means, but I'm getting it sorted out day by day. And that determination is stronger for me than ever.

Take Care

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#16808 - 10/31/02 06:10 PM Re: Wondering aloud
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
this is a thing that has started to bother me recently.

I am more or less cool with my past, it's there and bothers me some - but I deal with it mostly.

But other than that my life is stalling, it's levelled out.
I am looking for change, I have started a course to become a counsellor so I can get out of my job of 25 years, a complete change from engineering.
I want to move house, leave the area.

I feel as though I have outgrown my old self, a sense of frustration.
Is this the result of a fairly rapid recovery after 31 years of crap ? I enjoyed recovery, it felt good to experience new things and be able to do what I wanted to do, but has it started a treadmill of change ?

Quote:
We must remember that we are people first and victims second.
Perhaps I've become a person again ?

I hope so....

Lloydy ;\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#16809 - 10/31/02 09:52 PM Re: Wondering aloud
Mark R Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/14/02
Posts: 29
Loc: Palm Springs, CA
This really hits home. I've pulled it together in so many ways. Now what? I've always jumped into things, found ways and things outside of myself that became my "life". Maybe just "being"... being with the feelings is most important and that will lead to the live I so desperately crave. I hope so. I'm ready for close friends, I'm ready for a caring relationship. I'm ready to not stuff my feelings or intellectualize my problems. But I don't want all the chaos I used to seek out. So, I will take my time and feel my way to a new life. Thanks to you all for supporting me in this quest.


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#16810 - 10/31/02 10:58 PM Re: Wondering aloud
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Mark:

WTG & good for you. You do have our support in the quest!

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#16811 - 11/01/02 08:23 PM Re: Wondering aloud
Mark S Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 130
Loc: England
Hi Guys.

What can I add. I started therapy two years ago, and am now heading for a well earned brake, (just two sessions left). It's been a whirlwind, from having no life, just existance to so many choices it's almost daunting.

It's been a bloody hard two years with the occassional dramatic knock back, but I'm hear and whilst I wish my abuse hadn't happened I'm determined to take something positive from it. I too am on a counselling course (Therapy for you Yanks) and I'm hoping to work with survivors and maybe just maybe have the positive influence that I gained from my counsellor.

Before my therapy my life was so destructive. It now feels strange, there is so much empty space and I can use to fill it with whatever I choose. \:\)

Mark S


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#16812 - 11/02/02 09:29 PM Re: Wondering aloud
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
"I feel as though I have outgrown my old self, a sense of frustration."

Yeah, I resonate with that Lloydy, I have that kind of restlessness. Glad to hear you are training to go into counseling. I know you'll do well.

Becoming a person again. Right. I feel like I'm becoming the person I've really always been deep down, the person I'm meant to be.
WTG, Lloydy. \:D

Mark S. Like you I'm hoping to focus on helping survivors, especially male. That's what's needed: more & more survivors working with survivors!

"Before my therapy my life was so destructive. It now feels strange, there is so much empty space and I can use to fill it with whatever I choose."

Yeah, that's it, empty space to fill, and a whole big new world out there! \:D

A world of new friends, new intimacy with my wife, a real new life. Like Mark R says, really & truly living a new life. \:D

Mark R I know you'll find & are finding that new way of life!

Men, I'm rejoicing in the positive & healing notes in this thread!

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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