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#167945 - 07/20/07 12:33 PM Almost ran
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
Wasnt sure I was coming back to this site, did much thinking and figure I agree- it wasnt my fault, it couldnt have been my fault. Yesterday we had some kids come to the station to see the trucks and get a tour, I couldnt help but to watch them, so innocent so curious so trusting- how could anyone hurt a little kid like that? it could never in a million years be this kids fault right? I had to leave, it was awful, I threw up and sat in my truck for over an hour crying my eyes out. So my next question is what do I do with this new information? where do I go next? what are my next steps and most importanty what the hell am I supposed to do with all this grief and anger?

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167946 - 07/20/07 12:39 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: jessedawg]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11133
Loc: Denver, CO
Wow, what a great and powerful realization you had! This is healing: realizing those losses and grieving them. You are on your way. Keep talking to us is one thing you can do with that grief and anger.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#167948 - 07/20/07 12:44 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: FormerTexan]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
yes I want to keep talking but meanwhile I feel like my head will explode at any second

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167950 - 07/20/07 12:53 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: jessedawg]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11133
Loc: Denver, CO
Those realizations can be exhausting, but you will feel better. I've had some realizations just wipe me out for a day. I felt so exhausted, but then felt freed later.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#167951 - 07/20/07 12:54 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: FormerTexan]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hey, Jesse --

That is an amazing insight. I'll bet if you read all your posts here from beginning to end, you'd be amazed at how far you've come in a week or two. But it takes time, and that's the best advice I have--Know that it'll take time and forgive yourself for that. You may have to put it away sometimes, or go through periods where you feel like you're not moving at all. Things you thought you'd worked through may flare up again. But that's part of getting stronger.

Sometimes I sense an urgency in your writing--something I recognize in myself, too: "Hey there's a problem here: I'd better solve it! Now!" (Like putting out a fire--no time to waste; just figure out your strategy and go in?) This is different, I think--it takes time, a lot of support, and a lot of patience with yourself.

That said, you've done some great stuff!

David


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#167952 - 07/20/07 12:56 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: FormerTexan]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
wiped out is a good way to describe it

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

Top
#167953 - 07/20/07 01:04 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: jessedawg]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i think it's more like wiped in ,we been wiped out forever. opening up the places we closed off can bring lots of good ,but it opens us up to good and bad.its good to know its not our fault ,its sure hard to know what to do once we realize that. seeing the kids makes you feel good cause hopefully they are safe ,but it can also remind us of stuff we lost. seems like it just gets more complicated stead of eaiser.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#167954 - 07/20/07 01:07 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: shadowkid]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11133
Loc: Denver, CO
"seems like it just gets more complicated stead of eaiser."

I agree, and that's because there are so many entangled issues: self-worth, shame, anger, identity. All of that needs sorting out. It's like an engine overhaul: pull the engine apart and clean everything, identify and rework every piece that needs it, then reassemble it.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#167955 - 07/20/07 01:15 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: FormerTexan]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
reassemble it and find out it was an electrical problem and the engine overhaul was unnecessary

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

Top
#167956 - 07/20/07 01:17 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: FormerTexan]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
OK Jesse,

First, let me say I am so glad you came back to this site. I know it wasn't easy, but I hope you find this a safe place to talk all you want.

Now to carry over a thought from another thread you started:

You have found the source of the inferno, and you have taken the first steps to extinguish the flames.

Remember as a firefighter, you can't do it alone. Everyone here is willing to help, but you may also consider talking to your departments mental health advisor. Most large departments have some sort of network to help staff deal with anger and grief. Even though it is not job related, they may be able to help because it can affect your job performance.

Just a few thoughts, and as you have seen, many men on this site are willing to give you their opinions and offer advice. So don't hesitate to ask us, we will share.

Again I'm glad you came back,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#167957 - 07/20/07 01:25 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: Scoutvictim]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
Thanks a lot carl I wasnt sure what the reception would be like if and when I came back- I can see that what I thought it might be like is totally different than it actually is and I mean that in a good way. yes theres a huge mental health department associated with the station I work at, set up for dealing with stress on the job, dealing with death, was really reinforced after 9/11- but these houses are like small towns, you talk to one guy and everyone knows your business.

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

Top
#167958 - 07/20/07 01:41 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: jessedawg]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Jesse,

That's a problem, I lived in a town where we only had one diner and one grocery store. I used to say, "by the time I would get up in the morning and go to the diner for breakfast, everyone knew what color my underwear was for the day." LOL

You may want to consider an outside therapist, but take your time, come to this site often and work up the strength to find your own way to healing.

Also remember, this is Engine House MS1, and we're all here to help you fight this fire.

This is a journey, not a race.

Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#167960 - 07/20/07 01:46 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: Scoutvictim]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
lol, funny- thanks
I do see a therapist but I was forced to go and I cant stand him so maybe Ill see if I can get someone else, start new

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

Top
#167961 - 07/20/07 01:51 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: jessedawg]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Jesse,

Well it is very important to like and TRUST your therapist. It took me four trys before I found one who helped me.

Once you do find the right one, he/she will be a god send.

Keep fighting,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#167968 - 07/20/07 02:06 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: Scoutvictim]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
trust- its like some joke that just goes on and on and on

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

Top
#167971 - 07/20/07 02:13 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: jessedawg]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11133
Loc: Denver, CO
"trust- its like some joke that just goes on and on and on"

Yet it's near impossible to have relationship without some level of it.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#167973 - 07/20/07 02:15 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: FormerTexan]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
I hear that- relationship? whats that?

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

Top
#167974 - 07/20/07 02:15 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: jessedawg]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Trust is real. The hard part is finding people who are worthy of one's trust.

One of the more insidious effects of being abused is that we don't trust our own judgment of who can be trusted and who can't be, so we play it safe and trust no one.

With a therapist, trust isn't automatic, nor should it be. The T needs to earn your trust. Various things can do that over time, such as not pulling any punches, not pushing you to go somewhere you aren't ready to go, not manipulating you... the list goes on.

Notice that the things above apply to interpersonal relationships too.

What it boils down to is we need to learn how to trust ourselves to make the judgment as to whether another is worthy of trust... and I don't know of any way to do that except to keep trying.


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#168006 - 07/20/07 07:37 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: Dewey2k]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

Like I said to you in PM earlier today I'm glad you decided to return. What you're doing here is so important. In fact, it will be one of the most important things you do in all your life.

Try not to take in the whole huge picture at once, if you can. It's when we do this that we are most easily overwhelmed. Also, do bear in mind that all the emotions that are messing with you so bad right now are feelings we all have in one way or another. You will feel so many things as you go through this, but be sure you aren't alone.

I think the absolutely most important thing you should aim for at the moment is to keep talking about things. It's a powerful thing when we do that. We regain our voice and get the idea it's okay to say we need help and support. And talking about it is one way we have of rejecting the shame and blame.

Hang in there, bro. You can do it.

Much love,
Larry


_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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