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#167945 - 07/20/07 12:33 PM Almost ran
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
Wasnt sure I was coming back to this site, did much thinking and figure I agree- it wasnt my fault, it couldnt have been my fault. Yesterday we had some kids come to the station to see the trucks and get a tour, I couldnt help but to watch them, so innocent so curious so trusting- how could anyone hurt a little kid like that? it could never in a million years be this kids fault right? I had to leave, it was awful, I threw up and sat in my truck for over an hour crying my eyes out. So my next question is what do I do with this new information? where do I go next? what are my next steps and most importanty what the hell am I supposed to do with all this grief and anger?

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167946 - 07/20/07 12:39 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: jessedawg]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11084
Loc: Denver, CO
Wow, what a great and powerful realization you had! This is healing: realizing those losses and grieving them. You are on your way. Keep talking to us is one thing you can do with that grief and anger.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#167948 - 07/20/07 12:44 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: FormerTexan]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
yes I want to keep talking but meanwhile I feel like my head will explode at any second

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167950 - 07/20/07 12:53 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: jessedawg]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11084
Loc: Denver, CO
Those realizations can be exhausting, but you will feel better. I've had some realizations just wipe me out for a day. I felt so exhausted, but then felt freed later.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#167951 - 07/20/07 12:54 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: FormerTexan]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hey, Jesse --

That is an amazing insight. I'll bet if you read all your posts here from beginning to end, you'd be amazed at how far you've come in a week or two. But it takes time, and that's the best advice I have--Know that it'll take time and forgive yourself for that. You may have to put it away sometimes, or go through periods where you feel like you're not moving at all. Things you thought you'd worked through may flare up again. But that's part of getting stronger.

Sometimes I sense an urgency in your writing--something I recognize in myself, too: "Hey there's a problem here: I'd better solve it! Now!" (Like putting out a fire--no time to waste; just figure out your strategy and go in?) This is different, I think--it takes time, a lot of support, and a lot of patience with yourself.

That said, you've done some great stuff!

David


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#167952 - 07/20/07 12:56 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: FormerTexan]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
wiped out is a good way to describe it

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167953 - 07/20/07 01:04 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: jessedawg]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i think it's more like wiped in ,we been wiped out forever. opening up the places we closed off can bring lots of good ,but it opens us up to good and bad.its good to know its not our fault ,its sure hard to know what to do once we realize that. seeing the kids makes you feel good cause hopefully they are safe ,but it can also remind us of stuff we lost. seems like it just gets more complicated stead of eaiser.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#167954 - 07/20/07 01:07 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: shadowkid]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11084
Loc: Denver, CO
"seems like it just gets more complicated stead of eaiser."

I agree, and that's because there are so many entangled issues: self-worth, shame, anger, identity. All of that needs sorting out. It's like an engine overhaul: pull the engine apart and clean everything, identify and rework every piece that needs it, then reassemble it.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#167955 - 07/20/07 01:15 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: FormerTexan]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
reassemble it and find out it was an electrical problem and the engine overhaul was unnecessary

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

Top
#167956 - 07/20/07 01:17 PM Re: Almost ran [Re: FormerTexan]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
OK Jesse,

First, let me say I am so glad you came back to this site. I know it wasn't easy, but I hope you find this a safe place to talk all you want.

Now to carry over a thought from another thread you started:

You have found the source of the inferno, and you have taken the first steps to extinguish the flames.

Remember as a firefighter, you can't do it alone. Everyone here is willing to help, but you may also consider talking to your departments mental health advisor. Most large departments have some sort of network to help staff deal with anger and grief. Even though it is not job related, they may be able to help because it can affect your job performance.

Just a few thoughts, and as you have seen, many men on this site are willing to give you their opinions and offer advice. So don't hesitate to ask us, we will share.

Again I'm glad you came back,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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