In one of muldoon post's he refers to us as "helpless kids." (i didn't respond to his post because its totoally going in a different direction.) so im asking are kids really helpless? dont kids have tools to prevent abuse? im not talking about us, but in general. don't some kids say no? and run away? why don't other run away? what makes us different from the other kids? i never thought of myself as helpless.

Jarrad,

In my case, one of my perps was my mother. And back in 1973, one did NOT tell the mother 'no' unless you wanted to be picking your face up off the ground. And, when there was no place safe outside the house, there really wasn't anywhere to run away to.

In the case of the kid down the street, hanging out with him was better than staying at home. So there was a sense of connection with him that did not exist in my house. He was bad, but staying in my house was worse.

In the case of the church counselor (and I was in my late teens), he used deception and spirituality to fill an emotional chasm I had which was a leftover from childhood, and thus take what he wanted.

Helpless teenager? Eh, probably not. Helpless kid, around the mother? I would say so. Especially when my dad was not around to police her.

Hey, Jarrad --

Aren't we bigger/stronger than we used to be? So we weren't as strong then.

We know more now, so we knew less then.

A thirty-year-old may remember exactly how a thirteen-year-old thinks, but a thirteen-year-old knows nothing about a thirty-year-old's mind.

Kids aren't "helpless" but they aren't adults. They don't know what tools they have, or how to use them. They can't weigh when it makes sense to run, to say no, to act out, or to give in. Sometimes, they happen to stumble on the right answer, but usually, the adult maintains control.

Kids have resources, but the whole point of abuse--what makes it abuse--is that it overwhelms any resources a kid can be expected to have.

It's not that there's a type of kid who gets away, and a type of kid who doesn't. There are just kids who get lucky and ones who don't.

David

where would you run to? who could you tell and not be so ashamed youd rather die?

am i helpless?.. where does the shame, blame, hurt, love, confusion and pain come into that answer?

Jarrad,

I will add though that some kids are not helpless. There was a recent article about a 6th grader perping other kids and one of the kids told his parents. Turned into a fireball of a news story, but the point is that in that case, the kid was not helpless, thank God! So it really can depend on the situation.

My father left us when I was 7, which forced my mother to work 70-80 hours a week to keep the family together. When my mom was home, all she did was sleep. She was also a college student on Saturdays so she could get a better job to feed us and keep us out of foster care.

When I was 10, I had been without an available parent for 3 years already. I was an easy mark for any adult who would give me attention. I didn't stand a chance against his manipulitive mind.

I think things are somewhat different today. There is so much more information out there, but at the same time, there are still lonley and vulnerable kids out there yearing for attention and understanding from a loving and involved parent.

Also, when we hit that "age of infinate wisdom" (from about 10 to 25), we think our parents don't have a clue. We think that all their lectures and rules are put there just to "control us". We have no idea that some rules are there to make us safe; even if we don't understand the reasons behind them.

Brian

manipulative- think that is what makes someone helpless, being manipulated, by the time you figure out youve been manipulated its too late or too hard to change it? maybe?

Jarrad,

There must be an infinite range of variable factors that lead to different situations, including the circumstances of the moment, the emotional state of the boy, the skills of the abuser, etc. Researchers have been able to identify situations and contexts that make it more likely that a boy will be victimized, but I don't know how we could ever answer questions like who is helpless and who isn't.

Perhaps helpless is too ambiguous a word here. I don't have a substitute, but I can tell you that there can't be any way that a boy would be ready and prepared - whether emotionally, socially, sexually, or intellectually - to effectively ward off the advances of a skilled predator.

I have just recently heard of a case where a pedophile hit on two brothers on different occasions. One brother seems to have done a "deer in the headlights" thing and fell victim, while the other rebuffed the pedophile and stayed safe. Why the difference? I think that would be very difficult to determine.

Jarrad, a final thought, looking at your comment that you never thought of yourself as helpless. I think where you are going with this is that you never felt you were a victim, and from what you have said on the site about the abuse you endured I can understand that. I don't want to corner you on a topic that may distress you, but I will just say that many boys who have been abused by someone they love find it extremely difficult to see what happened to them as abuse. The implications of that are just too painful.

Much love,
Larry

I just didn't know it was abnormal, wrong etc at first. That took a few years before I figured that out.
So I don't know about helpless, but I didn't know I could stop any of it, at first anyway, so I didn't. Later, well I guess I was so used to it and afraid of my abusers that I didn't stop them either. I could have stopped it earlier I guess. But doesn't have much to do with helpless i think.

Stefan