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#167936 - 07/20/07 10:31 AM were we helpless?
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
In one of muldoon post's he refers to us as "helpless kids." (i didn't respond to his post because its totoally going in a different direction.) so im asking are kids really helpless? dont kids have tools to prevent abuse? im not talking about us, but in general. don't some kids say no? and run away? why don't other run away? what makes us different from the other kids? i never thought of myself as helpless.


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#167937 - 07/20/07 10:38 AM Re: were we helpless? [Re: Jarrad]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11074
Loc: Denver, CO
Jarrad,

In my case, one of my perps was my mother. And back in 1973, one did NOT tell the mother 'no' unless you wanted to be picking your face up off the ground. And, when there was no place safe outside the house, there really wasn't anywhere to run away to.

In the case of the kid down the street, hanging out with him was better than staying at home. So there was a sense of connection with him that did not exist in my house. He was bad, but staying in my house was worse.

In the case of the church counselor (and I was in my late teens), he used deception and spirituality to fill an emotional chasm I had which was a leftover from childhood, and thus take what he wanted.

Helpless teenager? Eh, probably not. Helpless kid, around the mother? I would say so. Especially when my dad was not around to police her.



Edited by FormerTexan (07/20/07 11:07 AM)
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#167940 - 07/20/07 11:03 AM Re: were we helpless? [Re: Jarrad]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hey, Jarrad --

Aren't we bigger/stronger than we used to be? So we weren't as strong then.

We know more now, so we knew less then.

A thirty-year-old may remember exactly how a thirteen-year-old thinks, but a thirteen-year-old knows nothing about a thirty-year-old's mind.

Kids aren't "helpless" but they aren't adults. They don't know what tools they have, or how to use them. They can't weigh when it makes sense to run, to say no, to act out, or to give in. Sometimes, they happen to stumble on the right answer, but usually, the adult maintains control.

Kids have resources, but the whole point of abuse--what makes it abuse--is that it overwhelms any resources a kid can be expected to have.

It's not that there's a type of kid who gets away, and a type of kid who doesn't. There are just kids who get lucky and ones who don't.

David


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#167942 - 07/20/07 11:28 AM Re: were we helpless? [Re: MemoryVault]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
where would you run to? who could you tell and not be so ashamed youd rather die?

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#167943 - 07/20/07 11:41 AM Re: were we helpless? [Re: shadowkid]
jakekrain Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/08/07
Posts: 20
Loc: Australia
am i helpless?.. where does the shame, blame, hurt, love, confusion and pain come into that answer?

_________________________
Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend

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#167944 - 07/20/07 11:59 AM Re: were we helpless? [Re: jakekrain]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11074
Loc: Denver, CO
Jarrad,

I will add though that some kids are not helpless. There was a recent article about a 6th grader perping other kids and one of the kids told his parents. Turned into a fireball of a news story, but the point is that in that case, the kid was not helpless, thank God! So it really can depend on the situation.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#167947 - 07/20/07 12:42 PM Re: were we helpless? [Re: FormerTexan]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
My father left us when I was 7, which forced my mother to work 70-80 hours a week to keep the family together. When my mom was home, all she did was sleep. She was also a college student on Saturdays so she could get a better job to feed us and keep us out of foster care.

When I was 10, I had been without an available parent for 3 years already. I was an easy mark for any adult who would give me attention. I didn't stand a chance against his manipulitive mind.

I think things are somewhat different today. There is so much more information out there, but at the same time, there are still lonley and vulnerable kids out there yearing for attention and understanding from a loving and involved parent.

Also, when we hit that "age of infinate wisdom" (from about 10 to 25), we think our parents don't have a clue. We think that all their lectures and rules are put there just to "control us". We have no idea that some rules are there to make us safe; even if we don't understand the reasons behind them.

Brian



Edited by Brian (07/20/07 01:00 PM)
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Recovery is Possible!

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#167949 - 07/20/07 12:47 PM Re: were we helpless? [Re: Brian]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
manipulative- think that is what makes someone helpless, being manipulated, by the time you figure out youve been manipulated its too late or too hard to change it? maybe?

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#168010 - 07/20/07 08:04 PM Re: were we helpless? [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jarrad,

There must be an infinite range of variable factors that lead to different situations, including the circumstances of the moment, the emotional state of the boy, the skills of the abuser, etc. Researchers have been able to identify situations and contexts that make it more likely that a boy will be victimized, but I don't know how we could ever answer questions like who is helpless and who isn't.

Perhaps helpless is too ambiguous a word here. I don't have a substitute, but I can tell you that there can't be any way that a boy would be ready and prepared - whether emotionally, socially, sexually, or intellectually - to effectively ward off the advances of a skilled predator.

I have just recently heard of a case where a pedophile hit on two brothers on different occasions. One brother seems to have done a "deer in the headlights" thing and fell victim, while the other rebuffed the pedophile and stayed safe. Why the difference? I think that would be very difficult to determine.

Jarrad, a final thought, looking at your comment that you never thought of yourself as helpless. I think where you are going with this is that you never felt you were a victim, and from what you have said on the site about the abuse you endured I can understand that. I don't want to corner you on a topic that may distress you, but I will just say that many boys who have been abused by someone they love find it extremely difficult to see what happened to them as abuse. The implications of that are just too painful.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#168014 - 07/20/07 08:26 PM Re: were we helpless? [Re: roadrunner]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I just didn't know it was abnormal, wrong etc at first. That took a few years before I figured that out.
So I don't know about helpless, but I didn't know I could stop any of it, at first anyway, so I didn't. Later, well I guess I was so used to it and afraid of my abusers that I didn't stop them either. I could have stopped it earlier I guess. But doesn't have much to do with helpless i think.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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