Man -

I had a very scary wierd drive/cry thing tonight. I was VERY agitated and decided to just go for a drive. And I started crying [nothing new there]

but out-of-the-blue I started saying stuff out loud in the car like ... ["I just want to be loved".] ["Please don't. I don't want to do this".] ["Why are you doing this to me"?] then it got more wierd w me actually screaming [Why???!!!] and [Dear Jesus I am in HELL and I'm only a 6y little boy!!!] ["Dear Jesus I am being raped"] and it got REALLY wierd when I just screamed like some chick screaming in a horror movie.
Oh yeah. I was freaked out x 1000.

I also seemed to hit every damn red light and I just lost it and yelled so loud I hurt my voice ["Goddamn it I can't take any more stops I have to get out of here"] ["Why do you keep doing this to me"???!!! ] I went berzerk and punched the steering wheel in my car I really bruised up my knuckles. I even punched myself. IT ALL SCARED the SH*T OUT OF ME !!!

And I then I was saying stuff to sort of calm myself like ["if I didn't stop fighting and shut up they were gonna kill me. So I laid there and took it and they let me live"]

Then I started yelling out as if to ex-girlfriend ["You ice-cold bitch. What kind of a woman throws herself at a man she KNOWS has been raped as a child - uses him for sex and then just shoves him aside like an empty beer can"???!!!] [Thanks for kicking off my field trip to HELL"].

wierd stuff to come out of me BUT ALL W/OUT ANY PICTURE/IMAGES/"VIDEO" OF WHAT MAY HAVE HAPPENED TO ME, OR WHERE. This was bad enough ... I am scared to go to bed bc I am AFRAID of what nightmares I might have.

Comments? Am I cracking up? How come I managed to get through 30 some years w/out any of this stuff coming out of me?

sonlite,

here's my take on it,,

for me it has all been a big puzzle, and the pieces come in different ways, at different times, and they have different impacts on me.

I think you just got a few pieces of your puzle is all.

i dont think your going crazy, lots of people just put the stuff away when it happened, or a little later, and it comes back in pieces, and contrary to the movies, yes, you can get the audio without the video, and vice a versa, it comes the way it comes.

Your doing fine, just keep hanging with it, k?

be kind to yourself, k

John

sonlite - I agree with John. You are only getting parts of the past. My therapist draws a puzzle on a board with various pieces in various shapes. He always says that your mind cannot deal with the whole thing at once. And to back this up, right on radio is a.m., on Saturday edition, a person told how ALL animals, man included, deal with trauma in stages. I had to "learn" this in these past few years, because at times I cry, or pound my legs - while I am sitting down- while crying. Or then when things really get bad I group them all together and also scream,yell at nobody particular and ask myself (with, thank goodness, no answer) what the hell is going on with me now, and why wont this all stop? So, be kind to yourself. bosishere