OK... as the name implies I was raped by a scout leader. Since many of you were in scouting, you may know the make-up of a troop.
For those who don't know, most scout troops have a cub scout pack associated with them. One of the main goals of scouting is the development of tomorrows leaders. Scouting gives boys a chance to work on leadership skills, by allowing them to work in assistant leader roles.
I started in scouting as an 8 year old cub scout. By 11 I had moved to the troop as a boy scout. I loved scouting, and by the time I was 13, I owned three scout uniforms. Each shirt had different patches, and I would be at scout meetings three nights a week. Weekends would be filled with campouts or some other activity.
I was working as a den chief for the cub scout pack. The webelos den leader used to have meetings at his house, and I made the mistake of depending on him for a ride home after the meetings. This of course made it very easy for him to control all situations.
As I look back, I now know he was "grooming me" for the eventual rape. I really think he wanted me to be his "long term" sex toy, but I put a stop to it. (I'll explain later) He was married and had kids of his own, but on the nights of the den meeting, he would be sure his wife and kids were gone.
The first few meetings went like they were supposed to, but then we started staying after to plan the next meeting. During these planning times we would get into conversations about all kinds of stuff. Of course he would lead the conversation to the topics he wanted. As time went on, he led the talks towards sex. (typical right)
Well about six months into this working relationship, we had built a very informal set up. We talked about everything, I really believed he was a trusted "friend" and even a confidant. I told him many of my fears and asked many questions, he always seemed like he had my best interest at heart. He would tell me things about himself and his wife.
One thing we talked about was pornagraphy. He would tell me how much he liked it, and I told him I tried to find as much as I could. The next week he asked if I wanted to watch a film with him. I, being a horny 13 year old, said of course.
The first 8mm film he put on was about a woman and a door to door salesman, but it had a twist. The ladies husband came home, and instead of being mad, he joined in the sex. (in hind sight, he was showing me a BI film, so I would know it was ok for guys to do things together.) Well by the end of the first film, my uncontrollable teenage hormones were working. I had an erection and he was really working the "friends help friends" story.
(ok this next part is very hard, but I did say details)
He made his move as the second film started. I really don't know what the second film was about, but I do remember it was a lot of man on man action. (gay film) He started to strip me and fondle me. I just went along, because it felt good. Then he got undressed and asked me to touch him. Well touching led to him making me perform oral, and that led to a very painful ending. He told me a man and woman show they love each other by having intercourse. (not those words) He then told me he wanted to show me how much he "loved" me. God it hurt.
Well, after he got off, I was no longer needed. He rushed me into getting ready and leaving. He drove me home at reminded me that we were "friends" helping each other out.
When I got home I rushed into the bathroom for a bath, and sat there for almost two hours. My mom had to yell at me to go to bed. The next day at school, I think I was a walking zombie. When I got home that afternoon, I wanted to talk to my mom. She used to work part-time, and would come home and lay down for about an hour before making dinner.
I went into her bedroom to tell her I wanted to drop out of scouting. Me, the kid with three scout uniforms and a scout meeting three nights a week and something every weekend, wanted to suddenly quit. I honestly wanted her to ask me "Why?". I believe if she had asked that question, I would have told her everything.
As we all know, things don't always work out the way we want them to. Her reply to my statement was, "well it's your decision, whatever you want to do is okay with me." Well that set the "tone" for the rest of my life.
My Life, My Decision, My Problems, I'll Deal with them.
I chose to stay in scouting, but I did quit being his den chief. Within the next year, he disappeared. Later, I found out he tried to molest another boy, but he told his parents. Mr. W. was kicked out of the pack, but he didn't stop. That's another story, and I'll share that one soon.
So, I guess the good news was, I knew enough to get out of his clutches the next day. When my mother didn't ask me "why?", I chose to internalize the problem and deal with it myself. That of cousre led to many trust problems with my parents and a rocky relationship with them. Many years of trying to deal with my own problems has led to a long life of turmoil.
I have made a lot of progress, over the last 30 years, but I still deal with many insecurities. I guess I'm still a work in progress.
Thank you all for being here and caring.
Luv ya all,
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....
Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.
Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007