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#167470 - 07/18/07 11:43 AM Re: Question [Re: jessedawg]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
yes

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#167488 - 07/18/07 12:28 PM Re: Question [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

Originally Posted By: jessedawg
Oh ok so in other words it would be like a real good dad leaving when the kid is say around 5 or 6 then a new dad moving in to take the old dads place and the new dad goes out of his way to be very cool, friendly, let the kid get away with all kinds of shit, win the kids love, build up a shit load of trust, like that?


What you're sketching out is a classic abuse scenario. The new father comes in and there sits a boy who is scared and confused because his real Dad has just bogged off. The boy's asking himself why that happened, and you can just bet the kid will be wondering what he himself did to make his Dad leave.

Now here's a new Dad, and this one is apparently really cool - like you say, giving the kid space, allowing him to get away with things, building up the kid's friendship, trust and love.

That's grooming, Jesse. The guy is building up a framework that will reassure the boy and make it difficult for him to say no later on. The kid will feel obligated to the adult and will be afraid that if he refused what he wants, this new Dad will take off like the first one did, and the boy will once more be all alone - and again, the loss will be his own fault...because he said no.

In these terrible circumstances the boy, trusting and needing the adult, will have almost no defenses against the predator. Even just the confusion is enough for the perp to get what he wants. I remember that from when I was 10: the abuser was a man I knew and trusted, I was in their house, he got me alone in a room and told me take off those pants. I was scared and mixed up, and I didn't like it - but I did it. He was an adult, he was friendly and nice, this was his house, it must be okay; I'm supposed to listen to grownups and if I just do it then it will be over and everything will stop and it will all be okay somehow.

The bottom line is you were betrayed, Jesse - betrayed in just about the cruelest and most selfish way - by a man you had a right to think you could trust.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#167505 - 07/18/07 12:51 PM Re: Question [Re: roadrunner]
jessedawg Offline
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Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
I dont know what to say Im pretty sick about all of this

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167516 - 07/18/07 01:01 PM Re: Question [Re: jessedawg]
jessedawg Offline
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Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
Do you think any of these abusers even realise what theyre setting us up for? The amount of pain and shame and years of feeling like a circus act? If they knew would they even care? Has anyone ever heard of a reformed abuser? I mean has anyone ever come here and said they used to abuse but they dont anymore and theyre sorry for what they done and this is why?

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167517 - 07/18/07 01:02 PM Re: Question [Re: jessedawg]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
well can you at least start to see that what happened is not so uncommon? that you were sucked into something no kid could ever understand? its not being dumb or stupid to be fooled by an adult ,an adult with a twisted fucking mind? perps look for a kids weakness then use it against them ,he knew losing your dad was the perfect way for him to set you up ,dude IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#167518 - 07/18/07 01:03 PM Re: Question [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

You are absorbing a LOT, and very fast. You may be getting overwhelmed by it all and maybe you just need to slow down a bit. Sometimes we get flooded emotionally and we feel like we're just being swept away. Sound familiar?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#167520 - 07/18/07 01:05 PM Re: Question [Re: shadowkid]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
I never said it was me or my dad, it was just a question

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167522 - 07/18/07 01:08 PM Re: Question [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Originally Posted By: jessedawg
Do you think any of these abusers even realise what theyre setting us up for? The amount of pain and shame and years of feeling like a circus act? If they knew would they even care?


My understanding of this is that the risk of re-offending is very high among abusers. Abuse seems to be like an addiction for them and they tend to invent all kinds of excuses to make what they do seem okay: "He liked it", "I would have stopped if he had ever said no", "I only did what he wanted", etc.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#167523 - 07/18/07 01:10 PM Re: Question [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Originally Posted By: jessedawg
I never said it was me or my dad, it was just a question


Okay, sorry. In that case just read my comment as an example of how grooming and the feelings of a vulnerable boy work out to lead to trouble for the kid. It would be similar in the case of any adult the boy trusts and really needs in his life.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#167525 - 07/18/07 01:11 PM Re: Question [Re: roadrunner]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Has anyone ever heard of a reformed abuser?

Yes...my stepfather

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Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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