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#167170 - 07/17/07 10:14 AM One time
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
Just feeling it out here.
One time Id like to be able to say how I feel or what Ive done or talk about whats been done to me without either feeling like a complete freak show or seeing disbelief on someones face or being told to suck it up and get over it or feeling like Im in a "I been hurt worse then you" competition.
Anybody know what Im talking about here?

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167171 - 07/17/07 10:18 AM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

Absolutely. No one here will disbelieve you and we don't do comparisons either. Each of us has been hurt in some devastating way and we honor each others' space about that one.

And we all know that the hurt doesn't go away by "getting over it" or "sucking it up" - MAN....I hate both of those!

Take your time and speak up when you feel you can and want to, Jesse, but really, you WILL be respected and understood here. With a bit of time you will begin to see that on your own.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#167173 - 07/17/07 10:22 AM Re: One time [Re: roadrunner]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
Hey its not like Im about to shed any light whatsoever on anything that has to do with me or my issues but yes I can at least reach out. I dont want anyone to say that I went down without at least trying. Again- this place looks ok so far, its one more chance.

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167176 - 07/17/07 10:29 AM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Yep, take your time and stay in territory where you feel safe. I always found that little steps were the ones that proved to be the most solid ones. Make yourself the priority here; you don't have anything to prove to anyone else here.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#167179 - 07/17/07 10:41 AM Re: One time [Re: roadrunner]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
Thats a first

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167183 - 07/17/07 11:16 AM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Originally Posted By: jessedawg
Thats a first


In which case, hey, it's especially cool you found the site. ;\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#167213 - 07/17/07 01:06 PM Re: One time [Re: roadrunner]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Welcome to MaleSurvivor, Jessedawg,

Larry is right on here. We're all here for the same reasons: we had something devastating happen to us, and we're trying to heal the wounds that it left.

Everyone is equal here. It doesn't matter how long ago it was, how old you were or are, how long it lasted, or what actually happened. We're here to heal and comparisons like that get in the way. You have nothing to prove.

Take care,
Dewey2k



Edited by Dewey2k (07/18/07 08:16 PM)

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#167214 - 07/17/07 01:12 PM Re: One time [Re: Dewey2k]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
Sounds too good to be true

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167215 - 07/17/07 01:37 PM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
Kenn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/10/04
Posts: 146
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Hey Jesse,

Sometimes I don't think I've been hurt bad enough to be here. Other times I think I've been hurt too much to be here, or at least to be understood. Both are mind-tricks that my nightmares play on me.

Sometimes I write a lot here and then go away for awhile. It gets too much. But I keep trying to come back because it always seems like these guys know something about what I'm talking about.

The details might be different but the feelings, and my reactions to the crap that happened, often feels very similar. It makes me believe I'm not a freak.

Kenn

_________________________
"This above all; to thine own self be true."

William Shakespeare, Hamlet

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#167216 - 07/17/07 01:45 PM Re: One time [Re: Kenn]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
More things I read here the more I see that all the feelings about things are pretty much the same- and all this time I spent feeling like Im the only one, guess the joke was on me. I cant decide how I feel about it- I hate that Im here but Im kind of glad I found it. I hate that I have to go to therapy, I only do because the state says so. Most of all I hate myself and have a hard time believeing that anyone could like me just because, so I dont let people like me because I dont want to take the chance and find out they only pretended to like me so they could hurt me. Does any of this make sense? I dont know.

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167235 - 07/17/07 03:06 PM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

It makes perfect sense. It's natural and normal that a boy who has been abused would feel so betrayed that he would wonder if anyone who is nice to him can possibly be safe - like the example I gave you of me as a painter.

It's also very common for the boy to begin to hate himself. The abuse is filling his head with so many terrible and false ideas about himself.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#167238 - 07/17/07 03:11 PM Re: One time [Re: roadrunner]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
There is nothing natural or normal about any of this

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167242 - 07/17/07 03:26 PM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
What I mean is that when these things happen to a boy, the results we will see will usually include extreme distrust.

Rather like an engine with no oil in it. It isn't normal or natural for an engine to blow, but that is what will normally and naturally happen if it gets no oil. Kind of like talking about an almost guaranteed result.

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#167244 - 07/17/07 03:33 PM Re: One time [Re: roadrunner]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
Yes I get that

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167347 - 07/18/07 02:07 AM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Makes perfect sense to me, Jesse. I've been there.

I'm sorry to break a confidence, but I feel I have to in order to get a single point across to you; while you are in therapy, PLEASE tell your T everything. Be honest. Open up to them, at least. They don't know you from Adam, they aren't going to judge you. Neither will we. Use this website to practice what you need to say to them. We're a safe sounding board, no pressure, no strings attached, no long-term comittment...

I know you're hurt, and I know you're embarassed. But if you don't open up to someone now, you'll eventually need to open up to somebody later. Why not do it now, while the state is paying for it? Don't waste the opportunity.

I know it's hard to tell someone face to face what happened to you. I suggest you write it all down here. Let us know you, as we've all let you know us. Then, if you'd prefer, you can print what you wrote and give it to your T. That would be a start, at least.

You're already in therapy; you have to be there. There's a reason for that. Make the best of it for yourself.

Stay strong, buddy. We're here for you when you want to talk.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#167380 - 07/18/07 07:49 AM Re: One time [Re: Lazarus]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
Its ok Lazarus. Im afraid to open up feels like once I do Ill never be able to turn it off again plus youre right Im embarrassed and ashamed and guilty and feel like I was the cause of everything thats ever happened so I really have no right to even be here. ok, the reason why Im in mandatory therapy is because I beat my mothers boyfriend half to death. If the cops didnt pull me off I would have killed him so I got probation with mandatory anger management classes and therapy twice a week. Its a joke but I dont have a choice. So Im interested to see what reactions are to that- most people that know about it think Im a goddamn psycho.

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167382 - 07/18/07 08:04 AM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

I don't think you're a psycho and I bet no one else here does either. For a guy struggling wth what you have to deal with, anger can be a huge problem. We've all been there in our own way, so anger is something we understand pretty well.

On opening up, well, as I said yesterday, that's up to you and you need to do things at your own pace and when you are ready. You will know when the time is right. You'll just feel it. I can tell you it's a powerful moment too! The embarrassment, shame and guilt don't just melt away, but when we work on that stuff we can get rid of those feelings. What we have to remember is that those bad feelings about ourselves didn't pop up in a day, so they won't disappear in a day either.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#167383 - 07/18/07 08:10 AM Re: One time [Re: roadrunner]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
I was hoping there was a pill I could take to just make it all go away

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167387 - 07/18/07 08:25 AM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

Originally Posted By: jessedawg
I was hoping there was a pill I could take to just make it all go away


Well, some guys do try numbing out in various ways - sex, alcohol, drugs, etc. By the time I was 16 I was already in big trouble with drinking and then added drugs to that. We can try various things to make it "go away" - you were talking about beer and sleeping pills yesterday. But the problem is that it all comes back, doesn't it? And the efforts to numb out just get bigger and bigger and more and more desperate. I was so bad off by the time I was 20 that I was really disappointed to wake up in the morning and discover I had made it through another night.

Trying to "make it go away" is like seeing a pot boiling over on the stove and solving the problem by holding the lid down tighter when what we really need to do is turn down the heat. That's what a place like this is all about - learning how to turn down the heat.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#167389 - 07/18/07 08:29 AM Re: One time [Re: roadrunner]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: roadrunner
I was really disappointed to wake up in the morning and discover I had made it through another night.


Yes thats typically how I feel. Numbing out- you mean with pills, alcohol, sex, things like that rite?

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167391 - 07/18/07 08:39 AM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

In my case it was alcohol until I went to college. Then I got into drugs as well - everything but heroin, which wasn't all that easy to find back then. My big thing was to be tripping, stoned and drunk all at once. Sex scared me and made me feel bad about being me; abuse had taught me that sex was about two people getting off by one sexually using and trashing the other. Needless to say, with that kind of attitude and in the condition I was usually in, I mostly ended up in messed up relationships that weren't really relationships at all. That made me feel even worse, but I figured hey, this is all I deserve.

See what I mean about the screwed-up thinking that abuse sticks in our heads? It's like it got in there and messed up all the settings in our minds, making us believe all kinds of crap about ourselves that just isn't true.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#167392 - 07/18/07 08:40 AM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Originally Posted By: jessedawg
So Im interested to see what reactions are to that- most people that know about it think Im a goddamn psycho.


Jesse,

I dealt with severe anger for so long and when I went into therapy I found out I had ERD...Explosive Rage Disorder. I acted like a psycho but you know what I wasnt...just full of rage and anger toward my abuser that had never been expressed. It sucks but with proper counseling you can control it I promise.

Numbing out is a bad cycle. I did it for years using pain killers. It only provides temporary releif. When the meds wore off I was worse than ever. I still numb out with alchol everyonce in a while, but we need a break everyonce in a while right. We need a break and as long as its not a habit, I dont see a problem with that.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#167395 - 07/18/07 08:45 AM Re: One time [Re: pain4ever]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
Dont know what to say to either one of you- dont want to believe what youre saying but I have no argument for any of it either

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167400 - 07/18/07 08:55 AM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

It's difficult to give up ways of thinking that we have gotten used to - those ways are what we know and they somehow feel comfortable, even if they make us feel really bad. If someone suggests a different way of looking at things, our first reaction will be to think "Why should I trust any of that?" One answer would be to look and see that these different way seems to have helped a LOT of guys...maybe it can help me too.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#167401 - 07/18/07 08:57 AM Re: One time [Re: roadrunner]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
In time you will see and trust, but that takes time.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#167416 - 07/18/07 09:21 AM Re: One time [Re: pain4ever]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
About how long do you think? can't I get some kind of time frame here? lol

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167422 - 07/18/07 09:27 AM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
LOL...depends on the person and therapy...there is no defined rules for these things. You have to change the way you think....get the abusers out of your head!!

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#167424 - 07/18/07 09:34 AM Re: One time [Re: pain4ever]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
someone should come up with a rule book

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167430 - 07/18/07 09:44 AM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jesse,

When a boy is sexually abused he is harmed in two ways. First, of course, is the physical harm that is done to him. That's a terrible thing to endure, but it does have a time when it began and a time when it ended.

Far worse is the emotional hurt; that goes on and on and can harm the guy for years, even decades. It doesn't "go away". A guy can stuff it back and try to forget about it, but the effects of abuse - all the bad feelings and false ideas he has picked up - just slide under the surface and continue to harm him even when he doesn't realize that's what's happening.

There can't be any hard-and-fast rule book or timetable for healing, Jesse, for the simple reason that we are all different guys, have different backgrounds, beliefs and ideas, were hurt in different ways, and have different needs. There are indeed truths and realities about how all this works, but we all have to look at those aids, see how they can help us in our own case, and then get started on our own.

The biggest reason why there can't be any timetable that Larry (for example) can hand over to Jesse is that what Larry has are the strategies and ideas that have worked for him. What Jesse needs will in some ways be very different, and Jesse's timetable will depend a lot on how he needs to approach his problems and what he feels safe doing. That's very difficult to predict, especially at the beginning.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#167432 - 07/18/07 09:49 AM Re: One time [Re: roadrunner]
jessedawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 345
Loc: New York
understood

_________________________
Firefighters - your worst nightmare is just another day at the office.

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#167438 - 07/18/07 09:59 AM Re: One time [Re: jessedawg]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: jessedawg
someone should come up with a rule book

Abuse kinda throws out the rules... Throws out a lot, actually. Larry put it well - different backgrounds for each of us -- different personalities ...

For me it's almost a contradiction - yeah, we're all in this together, but our recoveries are different ... sorta parallel highways instead of all on the same road, if that makes ANY sense.

Still wishin the best for ya!

M


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