Jesse,

It makes perfect sense. It's natural and normal that a boy who has been abused would feel so betrayed that he would wonder if anyone who is nice to him can possibly be safe - like the example I gave you of me as a painter.

It's also very common for the boy to begin to hate himself. The abuse is filling his head with so many terrible and false ideas about himself.

Much love,
Larry

There is nothing natural or normal about any of this

What I mean is that when these things happen to a boy, the results we will see will usually include extreme distrust.

Rather like an engine with no oil in it. It isn't normal or natural for an engine to blow, but that is what will normally and naturally happen if it gets no oil. Kind of like talking about an almost guaranteed result.

Yes I get that

Makes perfect sense to me, Jesse. I've been there.

I'm sorry to break a confidence, but I feel I have to in order to get a single point across to you; while you are in therapy, PLEASE tell your T everything. Be honest. Open up to them, at least. They don't know you from Adam, they aren't going to judge you. Neither will we. Use this website to practice what you need to say to them. We're a safe sounding board, no pressure, no strings attached, no long-term comittment...

I know you're hurt, and I know you're embarassed. But if you don't open up to someone now, you'll eventually need to open up to somebody later. Why not do it now, while the state is paying for it? Don't waste the opportunity.

I know it's hard to tell someone face to face what happened to you. I suggest you write it all down here. Let us know you, as we've all let you know us. Then, if you'd prefer, you can print what you wrote and give it to your T. That would be a start, at least.

You're already in therapy; you have to be there. There's a reason for that. Make the best of it for yourself.

Stay strong, buddy. We're here for you when you want to talk.

Lazarus

Its ok Lazarus. Im afraid to open up feels like once I do Ill never be able to turn it off again plus youre right Im embarrassed and ashamed and guilty and feel like I was the cause of everything thats ever happened so I really have no right to even be here. ok, the reason why Im in mandatory therapy is because I beat my mothers boyfriend half to death. If the cops didnt pull me off I would have killed him so I got probation with mandatory anger management classes and therapy twice a week. Its a joke but I dont have a choice. So Im interested to see what reactions are to that- most people that know about it think Im a goddamn psycho.

Jesse,

I don't think you're a psycho and I bet no one else here does either. For a guy struggling wth what you have to deal with, anger can be a huge problem. We've all been there in our own way, so anger is something we understand pretty well.

On opening up, well, as I said yesterday, that's up to you and you need to do things at your own pace and when you are ready. You will know when the time is right. You'll just feel it. I can tell you it's a powerful moment too! The embarrassment, shame and guilt don't just melt away, but when we work on that stuff we can get rid of those feelings. What we have to remember is that those bad feelings about ourselves didn't pop up in a day, so they won't disappear in a day either.

Much love,
Larry

I was hoping there was a pill I could take to just make it all go away

Jesse,



Well, some guys do try numbing out in various ways - sex, alcohol, drugs, etc. By the time I was 16 I was already in big trouble with drinking and then added drugs to that. We can try various things to make it "go away" - you were talking about beer and sleeping pills yesterday. But the problem is that it all comes back, doesn't it? And the efforts to numb out just get bigger and bigger and more and more desperate. I was so bad off by the time I was 20 that I was really disappointed to wake up in the morning and discover I had made it through another night.

Trying to "make it go away" is like seeing a pot boiling over on the stove and solving the problem by holding the lid down tighter when what we really need to do is turn down the heat. That's what a place like this is all about - learning how to turn down the heat.

Much love,
Larry

Yes thats typically how I feel. Numbing out- you mean with pills, alcohol, sex, things like that rite?