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#166074 - 07/11/07 04:23 PM I'd do anything... (triggers)
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Just a look from you and I go down on my knees I give in I obey I do everything I can to please I comply with every word you say I give up all control existing only for you I have nothing left to defend I wouldn稚 dream of even trying I surrender, everything for you I give you my soul and I bleed for you, am I alive? Please make me bleed and see Sir, I値l give you everything you want just to make the pain and hunger and shame go away, make me bleed make me beg punish me because I致e been bad you池e right you are always right and I am always wrong I知 a slut I知 a slave I知 a thing, a hole, I知 nothing. I promise I値l behave, tie me down chain me up I知 your bitch I知 your whore, you decide when I致e had enough, please give me more


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#166109 - 07/11/07 07:40 PM Re: I'd do anything... (triggers) [Re: Jaysen]
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
Listening to the lies again? Those tapes can be erased believe it or not. But you have to want them gone. Not easy since you,me, us, them still believe them. Read all the poetry here.
Where is any joy? We all need balance Jaysen, Look for it.

Stop reading Marquis de Sade at breakfast. It curdles the milk.

froggy

_________________________
??

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#166131 - 07/11/07 08:34 PM Re: I'd do anything... (triggers) [Re: froggy12]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jay,

This is some of the most painful stuff I think I have ever read here, but yes, I think you are right to let it out. We can't face our demons and defeat them if we can't admit what they are. I'm so sorry.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#166215 - 07/12/07 08:39 AM Re: I'd do anything... (triggers) [Re: roadrunner]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Jay,

Yes what we did as a kid, as far as loving our perps or submitting to them (wanting them to do things to you), was a terribly guilty feeling but you know what. Its what you had to do, it was what you wanted because YOU KNEW NO BETTER. It was the only affection you were ever shown...it what you knew and it not your fault. You wanted affection, thats what you wanted. You didnt WANT to be abused!!! AND YOU WERE NOT A BITCH OR WHORE!!


There is no guilt needed, it gave you some control over your perps. It gave you the only affection that you needed as a kid.

Sincerely,
Brian


_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#167078 - 07/16/07 11:21 PM Re: I'd do anything... (triggers) [Re: pain4ever]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1238
Loc: NY
(SIGH).....I don't know what to say, man. Poetry is my favorite form of art. I love it because it is not only the words spoken or writen, but also what the meaning is behind them. That meaning depicts something intenss and passionate, may it be a feeling, or story, or theme, or scene.

This poem is very beautiful but extreamly painful. I feel my self crying inside.

The anguish expessed, the HATRED. But to whom is the hatred directed towards?

I see you punishing yourself to brink of self destruction. It hurts me to see this, but it is what I see.

You DO NOT deserve this...You NEVER did. None of us did.

It hurts me to see this be cause I see me (tears). I grewup hating myself I thought that I was Corrupted, worthless, evil inside,,,,But that IS the deception that we were lead to believe! LIES! This is not the truth-you are not what you say. You were a broken boy, now a fractured man. That is not your fault! you berrate yourself.
I did that to feel better about myself, to allow me to believe/convince my mind that I was a good person, all the while, I WAS.
You are TOO. YOU R A good person!!!!!! Jaysen, is a good person. He just had spent his childhood in a way that He did not deserve, did nothing wrong, he deserved love and instead recieved toture.

But, its not too late, it never is. Young Jaysen was/is a worthy, compassionate, kind boy that got taken atvantaged of with torture. Big Jaysen must relieze this, and let go of the torment, because he really is a good person. Its just that he is in a lot of pain and can not see how good he really is right now, but I believe in time he will!!!


Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#167079 - 07/16/07 11:21 PM Re: I'd do anything... (triggers) [Re: pain4ever]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1238
Loc: NY
(SIGH).....I don't know what to say, man. Poetry is my favorite form of art. I love it because it is not only the words spoken or writen, but also what the meaning is behind them. That meaning depicts something intenss and passionate, may it be a feeling, or story, or theme, or scene.

This poem is very beautiful but extreamly painful. I feel my self crying inside.

The anguish expessed, the HATRED. But to whom is the hatred directed towards?

I see you punishing yourself to brink of self destruction. It hurts me to see this, but it is what I see.

You DO NOT deserve this...You NEVER did. None of us did.

It hurts me to see this be cause I see me (tears). I grewup hating myself I thought that I was Corrupted, worthless, evil inside,,,,But that IS the deception that we were lead to believe! LIES! This is not the truth-you are not what you say. You were a broken boy, now a fractured man. That is not your fault! you berrate yourself.
I did that to feel better about myself, to allow me to believe/convince my mind that I was a good person, all the while, I WAS.
You are TOO. YOU R A good person!!!!!! Jaysen, is a good person. He just had spent his childhood in a way that He did not deserve, did nothing wrong, he deserved love and instead recieved toture.

But, its not too late, it never is. Young Jaysen was/is a worthy, compassionate, kind boy that got taken atvantaged of with torture. Big Jaysen must relieze this, and let go of the torment, because he really is a good person. Its just that he is in a lot of pain and can not see how good he really is right now, but I believe in time he will!!!


Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#167085 - 07/17/07 12:54 AM Re: I'd do anything... (triggers) [Re: Logan]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
jaysen if people tell you something long enough and drive it home with abuse and pain you start to believe it ,but if people tell you something and drive it home with love its even harder to accept,the words in your poem came from them not from you ,its the mantra of abuse, your not any of those things and never were . your a valuable person that deserves to be happy. maybe if we say that enough times it will become our new mantra . i know sappy post but to me your just this cool biker that has helped me . thats all i see i cant go back and see a slut or a whore , all i would see there is a kid thats got no choice

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#167111 - 07/17/07 03:25 AM Re: I'd do anything... (triggers) [Re: Jaysen]
Cidnie Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/09/07
Posts: 113
Loc: SFC, CA
Good poem. Excellent flow, a lot of emotion.
Need a hug?
*bakes cookies*

_________________________
There is nothing natural about maturity in the physically immature. Maturity comes with wisdom, and wisdom comes with pain. Those of us with the greatest minds have endured the greatest torments.

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