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#166938 - 07/16/07 09:19 AM Was my husband raped by a woman?
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
I am new, and I need HELP! A few months ago, my husband told me about a "mistake." He said he couldn't deal with the pain and guilt any longer. Here is the background...

We were high school sweethearts, totally in love. Got married young and were always devoted to each other. Everyone envied our marriage. We had issues, a very sick child and other, typical sutff, but we were happy. In 2004 we had been married 9 years with 2 kids. Husband works in a shop, and one of the secretaries started getting friendly with him. (She is 12 years younger). Told him he was cute for an older guy, and other flirting behavior. Her husband also worked there, so my husband thought it was harmless. He is also a flirt by nature. One day she grabbed him by the belt buckle and said, "don't think I won't." He told her she was crazy and got out of there. Told another guy at the shop, but didn't tell me. He had told me that although she was young and cute, and walked around half dressed most of the time, she wasn't his type. He's right, I never would have expected him and her. My husband has been approached by lots of women (he is gorgeous) and has always turned them down.

One night in 2004 my husband was working late on a car, alone in the shop. Since she was the secretary, she knew he was going to be there alone. He said he was laying in the back of a car, working on a sunroof, and he didn't see her until she was on top of him. (she snuck in through a partially open bay door.) He says it felt like an attack. That's the word he used, that she "attacked" him. He remembers her kissing his neck, and then immediately she had her hands on him, and then had him in her mouth. He says that he doesn't remember most of it, just bits and pieces, he thinks she pulled him from the car by his private. He remembers standing there with her stroking him, and then the next thing he remembers he is pulling out of her and running away. He ran into the bathroom crying and remembers everything from that point on (washing himself with comet, vomiting, crying). When he came out of the bathroom she was gone, and he was distraught. Says he prayed to God that it didn't really happen. The next day, he confronted her and said that what happened would never happen again, and that as far as he was concerned it didn't happen. She tried several times after that, and he did not do it again. I believe him about that. He went through a period of depression right after, drinking a lot and staying up all night. I knew something was wrong at the time but had no idea what. Then, slowly he got better.

Here's the thing. As a wife, I feel betrayed. He had sex with another woman! (Even though he doesn't remember it)We are going to marriage counseling and the counselor is the one who first brought up the word rape. In my mind, even though he didn't set it up, didn't ask her to come, didn't intend to cheat, the girl put it out there and my husband took it. But he keeps telling me that he didn't want to do it, and that for the last 2 1/2 years he has been convincing himself it didn't happen. Says he would die to make it have not happened, and that he NEVER wanted to cheat on me. I am torn. I know he loves me, and I never would have expected this from him. In fact, no one would believe that he was capable of having an affair. But, how could a 200 pound man be victimized by a 100 pound woman? He says that it hurt so bad he blocked it out, and literally did not think about it at all when he was at work (the girl still worked with him every day until I found out).

I ask him about what happened, and he says that he cannot see it. He knows he entered her at some point (he says he feels like she guided him in) but has no idea how long it lasted (a second or a minute) and he remembers pulling out and running away. Knows he didn't ejaculate in her, but doesn't know if he did on the way to the bathroom. Says that ALL he can feel about that night is pain, anger, hurt, and shame. Now that I know, he has been trying to figure out what happened. Even trying to remember what it felt like to be inside her. I keep telling him he must have wanted it, so he's been trying to focus on that. He says that when he tells me he must have wanted it he feels like he's lying. He says he KNOWS he didn't want it, and knows he didn't enjoy it. He says he has this picture of her in his head and she's saying, "I told you I don't take no for an answer." Doesn't know if that happened or not. Doesn't know if he said no or not. He says that even though what happened is every man's dream, it was a nightmare, and the worst night of his life.

I love this man, and I know he loves me, so I want to try and understand. I've told him that I think she seduced him, but could it be more than that? Could this have been an assault? Is he right? Could she really have forced him? He says that he feels like she took away his manhood that night. He says that he never thought about it during the time I didn't know, except at night, when he was lying beside me. He would pray for forgiveness and pray that it hadn't really happened. Says that in another 2 1/2 years, he thinks the entire night would have been completely gone, and he would have been convinced that it ahdn't happened. Now that I know and he has had to face it, he HATES her. Has said that he would like to kill her so that she NEVER does this to another man again.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I am so confused. Any insight would be much appreciated.


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#166943 - 07/16/07 09:54 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
Happy Birthday Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Thewife,

You give a very detailed account and I think it very accurately helps to convey what your husband says he experienced. I get it fully (what youíre trying to say).

First off, I also need to let you know that there are several ďboardsĒ or sections to this website and there is one in particular called ďFriends and FamilyĒ. Itís for friends or families of those who have had unwanted sexual contact. This board that your message is in is meant to be for men to post issues only. It helps us to know we can only expect other men posting here and not have Ďotherí issues discussed. We get to choose later if we also want to check out the posts on the Friends and Family board along with all the other topical boards.

This isnít a major tell off. Please donít take it that way. I know youíre new here and this probably looked like a good placed to seek some help. Help it is you will get, but if you could do further posts on the other board that would be great.

Back to your post: imagine if you can reversing the male/female participants of this event (and forget the weight/physique of your hubby). Iím sure if you did that and told this story people would immediately classify it as rape. Without having to reverse the genders here, I saw it as rape. Your husbandís responses are that of one who has been violated.

The big issue I guess is can a man be raped? Yes! Itís the same issue that many of us male survivors have had to deal with: can a boy be raped? (after all arenít boys meant to be strong and not vulnerable?). Yes again, boys can be raped and are Ė to the sum of 1 in 6 before they are 18.

The other fallacy is that if males have a physical/sexual response then it must mean they enjoyed it and wanted it also. Also not true. Itís simple biology like bleeding if you get a cut finger. Those physical responses further add to ones guilt if they donít know this. Even if they do know this itís still an issue that has to be dealt with because a victim will feel betrayed by their own body and then reminded of the abuse each time they have sex in the future.

All this is workable and healing can come. It requires hard work on the part of the victim (which we call here survivors). Family and loved ones can also play a role in their support.

You also need support on all these feelings you are having and youíll need support in leaning how to now live with this event in your past. Professional help is at hand and from a fellow survivor, itís highly recommended.

Welcome to MS.


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#166944 - 07/16/07 09:57 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Wow... from how you say he responded initially (washing himself with Comet, vomiting, etc) - it sounds like this incident triggered feelings from something much further back. If he was ever victimized as a child then yes, a 100 pound woman could easily victimize him again.

Originally Posted By: thewife
I keep telling him he must have wanted it

Personally, I think this is the biggest disservice you can do him right now.

If he was victimized, and he keeps trying to see it from the vantage point that he wanted it - he'll never get the pieces to fit.

You love him - support him. Trust him. Believe him. And be there for him.

my 2 cents worth


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#166952 - 07/16/07 10:16 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: Grunty1967b]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey wife, this rape that your husband went through sounds very similar to my experience. And yes I would very much call it a rape. I had buried this event for 20 years of my life and only after an extremely emotional event in my life (mother dying) did my memories of it start to boil to the surface. The memories did not come out all at once, just vague memories to begin with but after working very hard to figure out what had happened they are now full blown in my face all the time.

I've had similar feelings that your husband has had, shame, guilt, feelings of less than a man. One of the worst feelings I have had is why would I feel so awful about this when as you said "this is supposed to be a guys dream". It is not a guys dream to be assaulted, to have his consent callously disregarded. I was not in a relationship at the time so the feelings of guilt that I have are not from any thought's of cheating.

Any advice I have would be to take your husband seriously. In the face of an assault people can react differently, whether a 200 lb man or 100 lb women. The shock of the assault could have made him react in many ways but it sounds like your husbands reactions was to take his mind out of the situation, like I did, but of course that left his body helpless. If his problems are similar to mine he will need your support and a therapist as well. Stand by him and take him seriously, what he says makes very much sense to me. It does happen.

You might want to research the subject of female on male rape, there's lots of good info out there and it will probably put your mind more at ease when you do.

Good luck, I hope you can come to terms with things

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#166955 - 07/16/07 11:53 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: mogigo]
Chain Breaker Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Your reactions are very normal for an aggrieved spouse. I don't think, however, that your husband intended or wanted any of this. So what if he's a flirt? That's not germane in any rape case. Certainly his reaction shows that he was traumatized by what happened. As for the memory issue, there may be something he's deliberately holding back out of embarrassment, but I think his lack of memory probably is not fabricated. In other words, for the most part, he's telling you the truth. In addition, I think that, from what you're telling us, he really did not want this at any level. He should seek therapy ASAP, and if he wants to prosecute this woman criminally, he should speak to the police -- the sooner the better.

I would submit that your husband needs your strength and help right now. Please be there for him. I know it will be hard and you may still feel skeptical, but please do your best to take him at his word and give him your full support.

Joe

_________________________
My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.

CB

"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

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#167003 - 07/16/07 06:24 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? *DELETED* [Re: Chain Breaker]
thewife Offline
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Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Post deleted by thewife


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#167004 - 07/16/07 06:39 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Dear Wife,

If and when your husband is ready, he will be very welcome here. This site is an amazing place for healing, but only when he is ready. I do hope you continue to come here and get any support you can. We can't always offer the perfect answer, but we can appreciate the difficult road you and your husband face, and we can offer our support, love and understanding as you heal together.

Wishing you strength and peace,

Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#167022 - 07/16/07 07:30 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: dannym]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


Wife,

So far you've only heard from men, so just wanted to say that from a woman's perspective reading this story, I also feel this was not a rendevous, but something imposed on him. Even if there was some level of "complicity" the comet thing seems to speak to a high level of shame, and not to a pleasent experience. In other words, even if he could have refused by some physical strength standards, and even if he experienced a moment of "getting into the experience", and even if he has some level of responsibility for allowing things to go so far, his reaction afterwards seems to clearly suggest that either he was fully forced or he was sent to a pretty bad internal space from which he acted out of his normal character -- so much so that he tried to wash it away with comet.

While I think some people might get carried away, then feel guilty and confess, while telling white lies about the lack of culpibility on their part -- "it wasn't me, it was them" -- not many would embelish with a story of comet, and especially, it seems to me, would a man think of telling such a story if it wasn't true. Male sexual pride runs too deep, making up a comet story just doesn't jive as a mere story.

He doesn't sound a filanderer.

I'm so sorry you're both going through this.

Take care,
Katie


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#167045 - 07/16/07 09:06 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: Kathryn]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
thewife,

It seems to me that there are two issues here. The first - was your husband raped? - is a kind of legalistic issue that would depend on points like whether he had the option of declining sex, whether he was forced against his will, and so on. I agree that it looks like this one is a lot more complicated than it looks at first blush. I wonder if there is some history behind your husband's situation.

The other issue is a lot easier - has he been traumatized sexually? Clearly the answer here is yes. If he comes here to talk about it I can guarantee he will be treated with understanding and respect. No one will judge or blame him, and he will be able to just look at the materials here or participate as he feels he wants to and can. He's most welcome and I hope you will convey that message to him.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#167060 - 07/16/07 10:03 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: roadrunner]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


Larry,

Yet again, you expressed complicated feelings so clearly and precisely -- exactly what I was trying to say, only much more to the point.

Wife,

What Larry said \:\)

Katie


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#167121 - 07/17/07 06:40 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: Kathryn]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Again, everyone has been SO wonderful. My husband is still confused about what happened. He told me this morning that he never raised a hand to a woman ever, and maybe that's why he didn't stop her. He feels like he allowed it to happen. He says when he thinks about the actual sex act, all he can see is him pounding her head against a table. He doesn't see the sex, he sees violence. He knows that didn't happen, but that's what he sees. The thought of that night doesn't excite him, in fact it has the complete opposite affect. Although he is adamant that he did not want to have her touch him or be with her, he doesn't understand how she could have done this to him. Last night when I was telling him about what I learned, he told me he thought he was going to be sick. I think the idea that he could have been victimized by her made him ill. I also think that he feels like becuase his body responded he must have wanted it on some level. He still has so much guilt and shame. I know that I am partly to blame for this, as our conversations up until I found this site have focused on how he must have wanted to be with her. He has always denied this, even to the point that he would cry and say that if he were going to cheat, it would not have been her. He just keeps saying he wants to forget that it ever happened. That he only ever wanted to be my husband and to be true to me.

To answer a question from earlier, my husband was not previously sexually abused, but was punished in a way that we now consider abuse. He has struggled with low self esteem, and has always wanted people to like him. Maybe that played a part in this as well.


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#167132 - 07/17/07 08:25 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
wife,

my heart goes out to both of you - obviously he has other issues he's having to deal with - and you for the hurt you felt at what happened, the confusion, the mixed feelings, and then learning later your words might have hurt him more - but that wasn't your fault, ok? society just doesn't prepare us for the fact men can be victims, are not the only victimizers.

whatever your husband's past may have been as a child, clearly he has developed an inability to state succinctly the words "No" to a particular situation (in this case a sexual proposition) in a way that's understood, accepted and believed. call it a lack of assertiveness, whatever, but this woman obviously did not take him seriously that he was not interested in her.

at this point, there must be continuing difficulty since he has to work with her on a daily basis. as painful as it is, this situation surely needs to be discussed in order to clear the air, work thru the emotions and go forward with your lives.

to shut down, shut up and "forget it ever happened" is not really a good idea. it WILL pop up again and most likely at the worst moment and in the worst way. chances are good his difficulty in dealing with this woman stems from having shut down once before and therefore never learned how to assert himself in such a situation to make it clear he wasn't interested.

i cannot even help but to think that it's always possible if this is not discussed, at some point in the future she could accuse HIM of attempted rape, or even rape, and given the discrepancies in their sizes that you have described, well, who do you think would be believed? most people would really have a hard time believing the situation was reversed and honestly - without knowing the details you've provided, who could blame them?

whomever you might approach talking about this, with a counselor, a therapist, a family pastor, please do make sure the person is experienced in dealing with men as survivors, as this is critical in the advice you will be given and how your husband will be able to deal with this event.

the guys on this site are the best anywhere, and your husband would certainly be safe to come here; i hope he will do so.

it is commendable of you to come here and ask your questions. please do so any time.

all the best,
indy






_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#167181 - 07/17/07 10:46 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: indygal]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Indy,

We are currently seeing a wonderful pastoral counselor who has been very kind to both my husband and me. It is interesting that you brought up the possibility of her accusing him of rape, she already has. I confronted her the day I found out, and the story she told me was that my husband took advantage of her in a moment of weakness. This was before I knew the details of the night, and her story didn't check out even then. She then told the boss that she came to the shop that night to get her cell phone, that she had been drinking heavily, and that my husband began kissing her. She blacked out, and then remembered putting her clothes back on. Luckily, no one believed her story, and she was fired. After I found out about the "encounter", my husband didn't go back to work until she was gone, and no one else there knows about it. I have asked him if it would help to talk to her to maybe fill in some of the blank spots for him (although if she knew he didn't remember she'd probably lie) and he says that he is too afraid of what he would do to her if he ever saw her again. It is my understanding that she moved away. Good riddance.

Other than making it very clear to her the very next day that in his mind "it didn't happen," he says he totally blocked it out unless she brought it up, which she did occasionally. After a few more passes, which he shut down immediately, she settled for reminding him every so often that he broke his marriage vows. He said he just pretended everything was normal. He explained it like this (forgive me for being so long winded): He said it's like being in jail, and being the "girlfriend" of the biggest guy in the jail. You hate him, and hate was he's done/doing to you, but he protects you from everyone else, so you go along with it. But then once you are released from jail, you hate him, and NEVER want to think about him or what you did again. She kept his secret for him, so he felt like he had to keep her happy. Weird?


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#167683 - 07/19/07 02:56 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: Kathryn]
Halibut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/06
Posts: 228
Loc: Alaska
Dear Wife,

In times of trauma people fight, flee or freeze. When I was abused I froze because I didn't believe it was happening.It was pretty much NOT my normal way of acting as I was always getting into school and hockey fights. But I froze...why I'll never know.
Hd your husband had the fight reflex kick in he certainly could have prevented it. Had the flee relex kicked in he could have pushed her aside and run. My guess is he froze....and probably feels like hell because of it. I have little doubt that he is asking himself the same question you are: why didn't he fight back. There may never be an answer. Sometimes people just act like deer in the headlights. At least I did.

I'm sorry this happened for both of you. It sounds like you've had a tremendous amount of understanding, compassion and reconciliation in the last few days. I'm glad for you, and hope the love you have for each other continues to pull you through this.

Frank


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#168385 - 07/22/07 09:05 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: thewife
He said it's like being in jail, and being the "girlfriend" of the biggest guy in the jail. You hate him, and hate was he's done/doing to you, but he protects you from everyone else, so you go along with it. But then once you are released from jail, you hate him, and NEVER want to think about him or what you did again. She kept his secret for him, so he felt like he had to keep her happy. Weird?


wife,

i'm so sorry to have not been able to answer you sooner about this but i've been traveling and involved in some quite pressing issues.

it clearly sounds like your husband has some real issues going on more than what happened w/this woman. i mean, like, look at the example he gave you - it speaks volumes, you know ??

you said she'd already accused him of rape - did she go to the police? he may be in for an extremely difficult time - i just can't imagine - if he is a survivor, and this has stirred up memories, either conscious or unconcious, and he's already expressing "what he'd like to do to her" - well, it just sounds like a ticking time bomb from where i sit and i hope if i'm right a couple of survivors here might back me up? like, i think this guy needs more than counseling by your pastor - really -!

you might also consider, if you haven't already done so, discussing all this w/an attorney just to know what his rights are and all. it's also possible she could file a civil complaint, both against him and against her place of employment. i know you both want this to go away and it might, but it could also become an even bigger nightmare if she's the vindictive sort.

i really wish you all the best and please do post again if you are so inclined; your husband sounds like he really might benefit from reading some stories here also, i hope you'll encourage him to do so.

hang in there,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#168919 - 07/25/07 08:45 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: indygal]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Indy,
Ok, this is getting weirder. FIrst, no she has not formally accused him of rape, and wouldn't, I am sure. SHe told the boss that story to embarrass him and to save her job. The boss didn't believe her, in fact, my husband denied ever having anything to do with her (which I supported, it would have been too embarrassing otherwise). After I confronted her, my husband did too and asked her why she lied to me. Her response to him was, "Did you want me to tell her how it really was, rough hard sex?" My husband just told her he wanted her to tell the truth (as I said before, he has no idea what the actual act was like because he can't remember it).

Ok, so we went away for the weekend, just us, to get away from evertyhing here. Beautful resort in the carribean. We decided to get a couples massage on the beach. Neither of us has ever had one before. So, we do it, and his person is a guy. He said it was no big deal. I'm right beside him the whole time. So, it's over and he jumps off the table and basically runs away. I catch up to him and he just keeps saying, "I need to take a shower, I'll tell you about it in a minute," and he takes off. So he stays in the shower forever, and when he comes out he's shaking still. Says that he was ok when it started, but when the guy started leaning over him he felt trapped, and really started to freak out. Kept telling himself it was no big deal, but then found himself just repeating over and over, it will be over in a minute. He started counting the wood slats on the gazebo above us, and then felt like he was watching it happen, but not really there. (That's how he explained his night with the girl). He says the feeling of being trapped was the same as he had that night, and of being diconnected. Then he said that he knew he was beat as a child, but wasn't molested. But he had a terrible reoccuring dream when he was little about Conan the Barbarian finding him in his room when he was sleeping. He used to sleep under his bed those nights.

We are meeting with the counselor tonight, and he's going to bring it all up with her, but I'm really starting to freak out. Could he be repressing something?


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#168934 - 07/25/07 10:18 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Wife,
I'm not a specialist, just a partner (and a CSA survivor myself).
There is some risk in projecting backwards--that is, in assuming abuse must have happened from present-day behaviors. People aren't that predictable, and there is an infinite range of responses, after all.
That said, what your husband is recounting to you suggests to me that there is a good chance that he will be recovering some pretty difficult memories. The feeling of "disassociation" is a fairly common response to a traumatic situation, for example, and he seems to have some experience with that.
If he does retrieve more specifics about his childhood, he may find it really challenging for a while. The immediacy of the memories can be overwhelming--it often becomes quite difficult sometimes to realize that it is not occurring in present-time.
It will be important for you to be as stable, and as separate, as you can be if that comes to pass. What I mean by "separate" is not being sucked into the horror and dismay, though you may indeed be intensely grieved and confused by his disclosures. He will appreciate your help in acknowledging the past, but also your reassurance that he is not only his past, or limited by it now. Everything can be turned upside down and shaken by realizations of this magnitude. Having you remain steady and unfazed, confident that he can regain his equilibrium even through the most dizzying times, will be an enormous help. (That is not an easy position to maintain, believe me, and that's often where the F&F forum members come in! \:\) )
Whoever your counselor is, it is essential that she/he has real expertise with male SA issues. General therapeutic competency is often not enough. For that matter, your H may decide that the counselor you have together is not the same one he will see to discuss any CSA history if that emerges. I urge you not to feel worried if that is the case. I myself am in the camp of people who think it's better for couples to have separate therapists for themselves and one together--it helps to avoid boundary issues. There's a thread that someone started on this question a few months ago that you might find interesting. Brokenhearted may have started it; I'm not sure.
There's also a thread from earlier this year on "what survivors need us to know" or something like that. Larry (Roadrunner) started it, if I recall correctly--my apologies if I am in error on this count. Reading that might be helpful too.
Good luck to you both. It is fortunate that you have a strong connection. As challenging as it seems right now, though, it will not stay this tough. You can get through it, and it will be better on the other side.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#168946 - 07/25/07 11:47 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: honey girl]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
God, don't what say wife. I'm so connected to everything your H is going through. I've been triggered so much by your situation. Just need to tell you his responses are so similar to mine. Please be strong and be there for him. I wish you were my wife. I needed your understanding and compassion after my assault. Sorry, not trying to steal your thread, but want you to know that I truley believe your H. I can relate in so many ways. This is a re-creation of my responses and feelings. I know your going to have a hard time but it is something that you can get through. Take him seriously, please. I can;t offer more because I'm still trying to come to terms myself, but I know that your H did not cheat on you, I feel strong in that. Your H is not alone and neither are you. Believe me. Stay strong, you are an amazing person .

I wish you the best wife, I hope you and your H can get past this, it is doable. You've helped me realize that there are people who will understand. You've helped me a great deal, I thank you for that.

Good luck wife and Stay strong, my thought's are with you.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#169073 - 07/26/07 03:39 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: thewife
Could he be repressing something?


smf,

because your husband is being triggered so suddenly, and you are being blitzed by his behavior probably faster than you can read and process the stories on this site as well as outside material (books, etc.) it's going to be very difficult for you to think about all that's going on right now - including possibilities of what may have happened to him as a child.

mostly you're going to have to trust your feelings, your instincts, try and be strong and not be afraid to keep posting your questions here because it's clear whatever may have happened to your husband, it has effected him deeply and may take considerable time to deal with.

he sounds like he's opening up to you and recalling events that represent a lot of fear to him - after all, a massage should make us relax, right? yet for him, it had the opposite effect.

it's also not unusual for a survivor - if your husband is indeed one - to deny molestation, or not to recall memories of csa.

there are just so many reasons here you both might want to consider professional guidance but i think the most important one remains the event that caused you to post in the first place and cannot be underestimated in it's significance - you are questioning whether your husband was raped and the woman in question has actually accused your husband - and your husband has no conscious recollection of the actual event.

it's definitely a good sign you are making attempts to bond closer together during this crisis but *beware* of the collective consciousness attitude that pressures us sometimes to just let things go because everything's ok at the moment - clearly, things are NOT ok and chances are pretty damn good they'll never be back to the way they were.

be patient with him and yourself, think about your options and what can be done. you can find a path through this, and it won't be one you have to go alone - nor will your husband. as mike said above, he's not alone, there are so many here who will welcome him - until then, i hope you continue to post. your knowledge gained can help guide him because until he's ready, there's only so much you can do, just be patient, listen and support him. it sounds like he does appreciate you very much and in that respect, you are very lucky.

all the best,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#169087 - 07/26/07 08:08 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: mogigo]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Again, thanks to everyone. Went to the counselor last night, she thinks that my H's reaction to the massage was a panic attack, brought on by the fact that he was not in control of the situation. They talked a lot about the night with the girl (I wasn't in there for this), same feelings, and she thinks that basically, becuase of the way he was taught to treat women (protect them), that he had the same sort of attack that night. Basically, he panicked becuase he was NOT in control of the situation, and then removed himself until it was over. As with the massage, he just kept reminding himself that it would be over soon. Rape.

Was my H abused as a child? No idea. Lots of things came up last night that leads him to think no.

Mike, hang in there.


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#169641 - 07/29/07 01:49 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
thewife,

My partner of 11 years was raped by a female when he was a teen. He was single and in a very typical high school environment where anyone would assume that a boy who'd "gotten some" was lucky- he had no reason to claim that their encounter was anything that he didn't want or enjoy and in fact it just made things difficult for him as he was not believed.

In his case there was prior childhood abuse that probably contributed to the situation with the female perp.-- a general lack of boundaries that he had and an inability to recognize and remove himself from a situation that was escalating and potentially dangerous to him. It sounds like your husband is also talking about some of his beliefs and how the person he is has affected his reaction to the assault. Based on my observations this is very helpful for survivors. It is important to avoid self-blame and more shame though.

I hope things continue improving for the both of you.

SAR


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#169656 - 07/29/07 05:05 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: SAR]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Ugh!! This is SO hard! On the one hand, I want to help him, as I KNOW he is hurting over this. On the other hand, I cannot help thinking that in some small part of him he was excited and willingly participated in the act. He has said from the beginniing that he didn't, and that in the immediate days after he was in total disbelief about the entire thing. Never knew that what happened could be rape, but knew that he didn't want it, or thought he didn't. He just tried his best to put it out of his mind. Is that normal? I mean, he went back to business as usual, including working with (and talking to and continuing to flirt with) her every day. I'm just so confused! He is too, still keeps saying that although everyhting he's learnerd about his reactions and feelings lead him to think it was rape, he keeps coming back to the fact that he is twice her size and could have easily thrown her off. Did he check out too soon to do that, or did a small part of him want to be there? I feel TERRIBLE for even thinking it, but I'm human, and I can't help it.


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#169658 - 07/29/07 05:28 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
No matter what you feel because your human... May not make any sense. Your mind may not be able to comprehend it. But, as i see it - it boils down to one thing.

Do you love him enough to accept his word?


M


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#169676 - 07/29/07 07:18 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: MarkK]
thewife Offline
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Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
One word, yes.


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#169679 - 07/29/07 08:02 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Then you know - he was raped.


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#169701 - 07/29/07 10:05 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: MarkK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey wife, I would like to assure you further but I can't really do this because obviously I don't know your husband. But I will assure you again that his situation, reactions and after affects are quite similar to mine. I wasn't in a relationship at the time so I have no one to answer to except myself, so I hope that you understand that I'm here because of the problems it did cause in my life, a life sentence in my opinion.

It would be upsetting if your husband was lying to you but I would find this very hard to believe. I've spent my life feeling like no one understands and your husbands reactions hit much to close too home to me to be a fabrication. It would be in my opinion an impossibility for him to come up with these feelings unless he really was raped.

I could never be 100% sure but I would press you again to accept him at his word. It would be such a horrible shame if your husband did not recieve the support from you that he needs, something I have longed for my entire life. Please, I believe your husband was victimized by this women and he will need your support. Imagine a role reversal and it was you instead of him, the last thing your H needs right now is to have you questioning his commitment to you. Please try wife, I will say it again, I know! It does happen.

I wish you and your H the best. You and your husband are in my thoughts. Take care, it will be hard, but you and he are not alone. If you can step outside the box you'll know that your H was victimized. He needs you.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#170061 - 07/31/07 12:43 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: mogigo]
thewife Offline
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Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
I admit, I am weak. I cannot deal with this, it's too much. I love him more than anything, and at this point, I believe that he believes what he's telling me, I'm just not sure it's true. He kept this secret for a long time, had a lot of time to twist it in his mind to shift the blame.

So, either I'm doubting that he was a victim and he was, which makes me a monster, or he has concocted this whole story to get himself off the hook, which makes him one. Either way, I think we are doomed. Thanks to everyone for being so supportive, but I think that some things simply can't be overcome. Best of luck to everyone.


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#170107 - 07/31/07 02:25 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear thewife:

Whoa, hold on...take some deep breaths. Someone once said what is truly worth anything in life deserves fighting for.

I know this will probably sound trite but sometimes a bit of time does a world of good. Step back from this for a while and just take a breather.

It took a good year after I found how my H was looking to act out before I started to feel like my old self again. The way I see it, this sort of experience is the ultimate test of love and in the end it enables us to realize what each of us are made of. NO it is not easy, often times you just feel like punching a wall and that feeling sends grief all the way to the center of your being...

NO one said life was easy and these issues fall into that particular category. I urge you to reconsider giving up. I am not that familiar with the details of your story...did you and your husband speak with a therapist regarding this? If not, I strongly recommend it.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#170108 - 07/31/07 02:27 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
oh god wife, I don't know what to say, I am so sorry. There are no monsters in you or him, only loss. Some things are beyond what we can endure, that does not make you a monster, only human.

The pain of being, is real and true and honest. At this point it doesn't matter wife. If it is unbarable then that's what it is. I wish it could be different, I truely do, but there are two people involved. You are just as much a part of this as he, you are a victim as well. Do what you need to survive, to move on. His road will be harder because of your decision but that doesn't make you a monster. We can't all make that choice as many here will tell you.

You are no monster wife, I understand and so will many.

I wish you love and peace and closure. Stay strong

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#170109 - 07/31/07 02:28 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: thewife
So, either I'm doubting that he was a victim and he was, which makes me a monster, or he has concocted this whole story to get himself off the hook, which makes him one. Either way, I think we are doomed. Thanks to everyone for being so supportive, but I think that some things simply can't be overcome. Best of luck to everyone.

I believe there is another possibility. You've mentioned two - both extremes. If you doubt he was a victim - that does NOT make you a monster - that makes you a wife in shock. Kinda like where you'd expect someone to be with what's just been happening...

M


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#170136 - 07/31/07 03:21 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: MarkK]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
wife,

i also see something else going on here - you are both caught in the middle of new revelations - that is - if your husband is telling the truth, and like many here, i also believe him, then there is indication of a much deeper, even more troubling aspect of what happened, and that is why you are posting here - because maybe he is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, or csa.

i think this is what is so difficult for you right now, it is like a kind of double shock and maybe even a trigger for your own past childhood, whatever that may have been. for many partners, learning about their male partner's abuse triggered events of their own past which maybe had been long buried.

even if that's not the case, the possibility has now been let out about your husband's childhood and you are both no doubt reeling from this. you don't want to think this happened to him, which would also mean then he is probably lying and wasn't raped. but then that puts you in the position as wife of a lying cheating husband which isn't very pleasant either.

maybe believing he is a liar is simply easier for you to bear than to believe he could have been raped this time? is that it?

i'm so sorry that reading and learning about csa is so hard for you as it IS a terrible tragic nightmare for ALL families, not to mention those who have had to deal with the actual trauma itself.

wife, you are not alone in this difficulty, nor are you a monster. you came here looking for answers, but also hoping against all hope your deepest fears were not true. instead you found others who share your husband's pain and it's just so hard right now, you are, as Mark said, in shock.

be patient and kind to yourself right now, take some time to think carefully.

if a man was going to lie about the events of that evening, would he honestly have told you the actions he took the way he did?

i believe your husband wants so badly to address other deeper, more sinister events in his past (sinister in what may have happened to him) but is holding back for the one reason so many here have spoken about - fear of being not being believed.

he wants so badly to share this, to face it, and needs you to listen to him. i hope for both your sakes you are able to do this. you are not alone in this. we are all here supporting both of you.

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#170148 - 07/31/07 04:14 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: indygal]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Right now, he's outside playing with our kids, and I'm in here, reading what you all have written, and crying. Probably for the first time since this whole thing started. Crying for him, for me, for everything we've lost. Just crying.

For now I will do nothing. Tomorrow we see our cuonselor and I will try and talk to her alone. She has beleived him from the beginning. Why can't I? I don't know. Maybe because the girl was so young, so cute, so everything I am not.

Regarding the possibility of csa, yes, I'm terrified of the thought. Even find myself looking at his family thinking about who could have done it. He won't discuss it (the counselor brought it up) except to say that he doesn't remember anyone doing anything inappropriate with him. Did used to have a reoccuring nightmare that Atila (sp) the Hun was coming to get him and he would hide/sleep under his bed. ???

I hate the road we are currently traveling, but I'm more afraid of the road ahead... How can I help him when I'm this much of a mess?


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#170151 - 07/31/07 04:17 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
couple things ...

1. "Crying for him, for me, for everything we've lost."
I don't see that you've lost anything yet. This CAN make you an incredibly strong couple, though it's impossible to see at this time.

2. "so everything I am not"
Not what counts - she is not the woman he loves.

3. "How can I help him when I'm this much of a mess?"
Stand at his side and be as honest with him as he is with you. Tell him how frightened you are and how much you want to believe him.

M



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#170169 - 07/31/07 06:33 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: MarkK]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Wife, I think your husband has started his own post in the Male Survivor forum. You may want to read it, and I hope you'll take note of my reply to him. I've been following this thread for awhile, but was never sure about what I wanted to say. For some reason it was easier for me to write it to him than to you.

I don't fit into any stereotypes either.

I wish you the best.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#170170 - 07/31/07 06:46 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: MarkK]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Wife,

I want to add my support to everyone who has been encouraging you not to despair. Please take some time to step back and give yourself permission not to act on impulse. Our feelings are not always the only, or best, barometer for how to proceed, especially when they are prompted by incomplete or inaccurate information.

I will also say that my own reaction to my partner's disclosure contained some element of shock and resistance, even though I know from personal experience that SA does happen. I think some of us who are not victims of crime (and I am saying victims to make a point here) at a particular moment are tempted to prefer not to believe that it has happened. If you do acknowledge that people can be hurt, and can be violated, then what does that mean about the world? About how we should behave? About who to trust, and how to protect ourselves and those we love? Becoming a "victim" means that we are so vulnerable. That's scary and painful and sad.

So I wonder if you are not also grieving the loss of your image of your husband, whom you do seem to love, as someone who is strong and invincible. Better to think that he is duplicitous than to believe that he could have been laid low like this, perhaps. It may be less painful, in a way, for you to see him as a deliberate cheat than as a vulnerable human being. At the risk of stating the obvious, which seems to be a place I have been stuck in all day, he is no less masculine or manly to have had this happen to him. But that, too, goes counter to so much of what the cultural myths of manhood tend to promote.

Eh, Wife, we tend to have all kinds of difficult, hostile, uncharitable thoughts flit through our minds. I'm not in the group that thinks that we can control our feelings to perfection, or that we are always bound to act as our feelings urge us to do. (As someone who has lots of feelings, often conflicting, I'd be in trouble there.)

But you know, it's what happens over time that counts. The gradual build-up of day after day behavior. The patterns we strive to create in our lives with those we love.

One more observation I'd like to make, which may already have been mentioned. It is possible for people (men and women, boys and girls) to be physiologically aroused even to the point of orgasm through abusive treatment. That does not mean that they wanted it or enjoyed it on any level. It is something that bodies do, and it is sometimes associated with a fear response as well. I suppose being skeptical about this regarding men has some similarity to the old lie that women couldn't be raped because it's too difficult to maneuver if she really doesn't want it. I'm not trying to criticize, Wife, just trying to point out one of the painful misunderstandings of sexual abuse that seems to complicate our reaction to it (and healing from it.)

Keep talking with us here. Keep trying to calm yourself, and reassure yourself that you have not been mistaken in trusting your man. From what you say, he seems to be a trustworthy person, and your judgment has been sound. Things are definitely topsy-turvy now, but they do not have to stay that way.

Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#170305 - 08/01/07 12:05 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: honey girl]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
I read his posts. They are exactly what he has been telling me. Also read -another- article on female to male rape. That too supports what he says. He is still not convinced himself, which makes it harder for me. This is a tangled web.

He didn't know until the counselor suggested it to him that he could be raped. He had never understood why something he obviously wanted (he says he felt like he did it, so he must have wanted it at some point) made him feel the way he did. In the beginning, when he told me, he told he he didn't know what happened, that he snapped. He's been looking for those answers for a long time.

He said last night that he knows he did it and has to take responsibility for that, but says it's as if he was removed and watching it happen (the parts he remembers anyway). He doesn't know how or why his body responded to her and what he actually did. He knows they did not kiss, but has no idea what he may have done during. But if he was raped, then it isn't his fault, so he shouldn't be responsible, right?

I asked him if he wants to confront her and he said no. Never wants to see or talk to her again. Is that normal? I would think that now that he's figured out what happened he would want to confront her with that knowledge so that she knows he did this against his will. Maybe it's just that I want her to know that so badly, for my own selfish reasons. She had a couple of years of tormenting him with that night, and she really enjoyed the knowledge that she "got" him to be unfaithful. That pisses me off!!

I wonder what she thought. Could she tell? He thinks he said, "No," and "I can't" at some point, but doesn't know when. He has had dreams about her saying, "I don't take no for an answer."

I feel like sending her a book on female to male rape just so she understands what she did. My H says I'm welcome to talk to her if I want to, but that he doesn't want to be involved. Bad idea, right?


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#170307 - 08/01/07 12:08 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
some people never want to face their perp. i am one.

i don't know if it would be helpful for you or your husband for you to talk to her.

she may know what she did - she may have done it for that reason. some perps are VERY good at finding prey.

M


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#170463 - 08/02/07 08:06 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: MarkK]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Ok, so the counselor says confronting her won't do anything but give her more power. She is convinced that this girl "picked" my husband, and orchestrated the encounter.

H and I were talking last night, before the counseling session, and he said again that he didn't want it, but then said that he may have participated physically (i.e. taking the dominate role during the actual act), but that his heart and brain weren't there. Still says he feels like a bump on a log watching it (what he can see anyway). I feel like his statement about participating means that he knows something that he hasn't shared with me, and that maybe it got to the point that nature just took over. He even used those exact words. But then, isn't that what a physical affair is? You don't think about it, you don't have any emotional attachment, you just do it?

The counselor says that I can't ask him any more questions. She says that she totally believes he was raped, but in the next breath says that he has to deal with what he did. That's SO contradictory. If he was raped, then he's a victim, and shouldn't apologize, or "deal" with anything except the fact that he was assaulted. I called her out on that, and she backpedaled a little bit. So I asked her, if someone makes sexual advances that you didn't ask for, didn't want, but didn't know how to stop, and then you get to the (breaking) point and do what they want becuase you are so wound up you need release (I think he thinks this is the case), is it still rape? She couldn't answer that question. Neither can I.

Plus, he has said that if he was single he'd have probably loved it. Yuck.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm totally messed up about all of this. I spent the first month after he told me trying to come to terms with the fact that my husband WANTED someone else, and so now trying to undo all of that and come to terms with the fact that he DIDN'T want it, but did it anyway (even as he's struggling with that too) is the hardest thing I've ever done. If he's not sure what happened, how can I be? His statement from the moment he told me has been that he allowed it to happen, and that's still what he says. What does that mean?


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#170470 - 08/02/07 08:26 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: Kathryn]
jaybee Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Florida
wife. if you love him, stop being meen and be his best friend like you promised. thats what he needs, not a mommy yelling at him for spilling his milk. i saw the girl spill it on him then point as you turned around. it was HER fault... i seen it.

_________________________
3+7+11+13+19+25+39/9-4 yep, were all somewhere...

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#170479 - 08/02/07 09:07 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: thewife
I feel like his statement about participating means that he knows something that he hasn't shared with me, and that maybe it got to the point that nature just took over. He even used those exact words. But then, isn't that what a physical affair is? You don't think about it, you don't have any emotional attachment, you just do it?

In an affair, when you "get together" - you know what you're doing, you're doing it willingly - from meeting to undressing to having sex. There may not be any emotional attachment, but there is mental awareness and acceptance. I believe your husband disassociated - checked out mentally. Very different.

Originally Posted By: thewife
So I asked her, if someone makes sexual advances that you didn't ask for, didn't want, but didn't know how to stop, and then you get to the (breaking) point and do what they want becuase you are so wound up you need release (I think he thinks this is the case), is it still rape? She couldn't answer that question. Neither can I.

If he believes this is the case, I'd say it's his mind trying to make sense of a situation that cannot and does not make sense. I don't beleive he "got so wound up he needed release".

Originally Posted By: thewife
Plus, he has said that if he was single he'd have probably loved it. Yuck.

Again - I think this is his mind trying to accept that he, as a man, was taken advantage of. I believe if he was single he'd have reacted the same way. It was, after all, rape.

Originally Posted By: thewife
If he's not sure what happened, how can I be? His statement from the moment he told me has been that he allowed it to happen, and that's still what he says. What does that mean?

I believe he says he "allowed it to happen" because his mind refuses to accept the fact he was raped. This is not easy for anyone to accept - but for a "grown man" the implications are shattering to one's self respect.

Finally - if at all possible, I suggest you quit trying to be sure what happened, and accept the fact that you love him and he loves you and he needs your help. Bottom line - he needs someone there who can support him. His whole world was yanked out from under him. He has nothing stable left in his life. This needs to be you.

my 2 cents,

M



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#170487 - 08/02/07 09:26 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: thewife

Plus, he has said that if he was single he'd have probably loved it. Yuck.


wife,

i think here he is grasping at any possibility that could exist in which he might have reacted differently, as in, not have submitted, which is what is eating away at him.

he's trying to imagine a different scenario, trying to make sense of a situation which is not one of sex, but one of power, like all abuse, this woman wanted to exploit her power over your husband in his most vulnerable of places. she succeeded. he is trying to imagine how it happened, as it is unimaginable to him.

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#170526 - 08/02/07 01:47 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: indygal]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Jaybee - Ouch! Thanks for giving me the kick in the pants that I so obviously needed.

Mark and Indy,

You're both right. My nature is simply to work a problem until I either fix it or kill it. I can see that neither of those options are realistic in this situation. My brain goes a million miles a minute though, and I don't know how to shut it off. It's like a slide show of questions and scenarios. Ugh.


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#170527 - 08/02/07 01:51 PM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: thewife
My brain goes a million miles a minute though, and I don't know how to shut it off. It's like a slide show of questions and scenarios.

if you figure THAT one out - please tell me how. my brain never sleeps either - or so it seems most days.

Seriously, I want to say: The fact you are trying so hard to understand and support your husband shows me the incredably STRONG love you have him. If you stay in that love, you will work this out.

\:\)

M


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#170699 - 08/03/07 10:09 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: MarkK]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Last night when he got home from work he said he had something to tell me. Given what I learned last time he said that I almost passed out. He told me that before the girl who attacked him left she told another girl in the office her version of what happened. My H knew this, and yesterday he talked to this girl. He started telling her how much he loves me (which is all he says he originally set out to tell her, because he wanted her to know) and ended up telling her that he was raped. He said the more he started talking the more he realized that he needed her to know that. He wanted her to know what kind of man he was and what kind of girl the other person was. H told me it was one of the hardest things he had ever done, but he was glad after he did it. She told him she completely believed him. He also said that he knows that she still talks to the other girl, and he said that after he told her he realized that she would relay this information to the other person and he realized that he was ok with that. He is sure she will lie and twist it, but he wants her to know what she did to him and this way he doesn't have to face her to tell her.

I just sat there in shock, listening to everything he said. Then he looked at me and said, "I am 100% sure about what happened that night, I am a rape victim and I need your help." All of sudden everything that I've been trying to reason and rationalize went away. It doesn't matter that I don't have all the gory details, all that matters is that I need to support this man who I love so much, and who is hurting so badly.


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#170713 - 08/03/07 11:10 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: thewife]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
I am SO jazzed for you and him. Not, of course, that he's hurting badly, but that you two have crossed the bridge TOGETHER and now he can start healing.

This news has made my morning - thank you for sharing it!

Originally Posted By: thewife
It doesn't matter that I don't have all the gory details, all that matters is that I need to support this man who I love so much, and who is hurting so badly.

Now this, I have tears for. Again, I am SO glad you are on the road together. It will make it so much easier for him, having the woman he loves at his side.

YES!!!


M


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#170717 - 08/03/07 11:33 AM Re: Was my husband raped by a woman? [Re: MarkK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Fantastic Wife, I second what Mark says, I have tears for how happy I am for you two. You guys can get get through this wife. Love conquers all!!!

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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