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#16684 - 12/14/01 01:20 PM Advice Needed
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hello All,

I am in need of your advice. It is the Holiday season and for the last 10 years my wife and I would visit both sides of the family on Christmas. This year there is a problem that I need help on. My Brother in Law plead guilty to sexually offending his daughter. (It has ripped me apart and made me deal with my past a lot quicker than I wanted.) The wife's family is having a Family Christmas Party on the 22nd. I am not attending for two reasons: 1) I don't want to hang out with an abuser and 2) my daughter is not allowed to come because it would be a violation of the abusers probation. I don't want my wife to attend and support me and our family but she wants to celebrate it with her family. I feel that she should be with me because of my past. We have gotten into arguments over this. She is very close with her family but I feel that this is just way to close to me to let her go. Can you please let me know your thoughts?

I feel that if I through out the ultimatum that choose between her brother and myself, I feel that I would lose.

Mike


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#16685 - 12/14/01 05:33 PM Re: Advice Needed
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1251
Loc: Northern Ohio
Looks like your setting your-self up for one hell of a fight. Instead, Let your wife go to her family thing, & spend THAT time with your daughter, go do some quality time with just her. Period.

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#16686 - 12/15/01 12:21 AM Re: Advice Needed
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
ditto to what blacken said.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#16687 - 12/15/01 07:39 AM Re: Advice Needed
bosishere Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/14/01
Posts: 161
Loc: nashville,tn,usa
I agree with Blacken, and John. I would just add that with this approach, may be she will learn a lesson. bosishere


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#16688 - 12/15/01 09:36 AM Re: Advice Needed
dvf445 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/10/01
Posts: 10
Loc: South Jersey
It's not about winning or losing. It's about doing the best for all of your family members involved. If you start a war, the only one that wins is the evil side. Make your decision based on Love and you will make the right decision for all involved.

Bless Ya and have a great Christmas!


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#16689 - 12/16/01 12:13 PM Re: Advice Needed
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Mike,
I can't for the life of me understand why this brother-in-law is going to be there...isn't he the bad one or what...the rest of the family does know or wants to forget? Why is he going to be there? Have your wife ask him to stay away...if he is so screwed up..he can't do this...Tell your wife that you're not going and she should not go either!!! Dam, your daugther can't go because of this guy...is he too weak just to stay away? Very screwy in-laws!!!! LOL

Eddie


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#16690 - 12/17/01 06:46 AM Re: Advice Needed
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
I think there have been some good points here to think about. My daughters are grown now and on their own. I tried to think back to when they were little and to imagine my wife was leaving our house to do Christmas where our daughters were not allowed.
It is still about my wife and her family and that will always be important to her. My issues are separate from hers.
What would be important to me is to spend significant and chrished time together. I would want that time to be most of the day. Some time with her family seems to me reasonable. Where I hear a problem is in your saying "let" her go. She is an adult, it is her decision to make. You may be unhappy about it but it is still her choice I don't know enough info such as distance to travel.
I would be wondering how far my wife's devotion to her family goes. Does her child come first or does her family of origin come first. Is it devotion or is it in the realm of denial. My trauma has blinded me to many things
As a survivor I would wonder about who this perpetrators perpetrator was. Was it a family member? Is my wife a survivor? If she is, would she be able to protect our daughters?
My fears resulting from my own childhood traumas are about me not my wife or my daughter. So I need to have balance in my need to protect. I would want to be talking with a therapist to help me through this passage of my psyche filled with land mines.

---------------- Be Gentle With yourself

[ December 17, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]
the saying is that in recovery not every victim becomes a perpetrator, but almost all perpetrators were victims.

[ December 17, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]


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#16691 - 12/17/01 07:12 AM Re: Advice Needed
Anonymous
Unregistered


OK...I have a differing view...it seem to me that if your wife won't support you on this one that there is something amiss...I think I would feel betrayed if I were in your shoes...actually I have been in a similar situation so I am speeking from experience...I found that I just ended up feeling more like a victim and my decision to "respect" a family members needs just ended up turning into a precident that happens every year now...just my thoughts...Dave...GOD BLESS!


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#16692 - 12/17/01 09:13 AM Re: Advice Needed
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thank you all very much for your advice. It has been helpful. All of these thoughts have gone through my head.

I know it is her choice. I have never told her what to do, I would let her know how I am feeling and let her make her decision. I have left it up to her to decide but I see it as Dave23, that she should support me on this. I have also asked the same questions as RJD about where OUR family ranks compared to her family of origin. I believe OUR family is the HIGHEST Priority. I also believe that Christmas is about celebrating FAMILY. I can not understand how do you celebrate Family with a person who has ripped apart his daughters life and the rest of the family. That does not make sense to be. I believe the smart thing for him to do is not come to the party so that everyone else could celebrate. How do you have Christmas and restict children and watching the joy on their faces?

I know Family is very important to her and I want her to celebrate with her family. That is why I have made the offer to not go to this party and we will see everyone else on either Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

RJD - in your response you wrote "As a survivor you would wonder about who this perpetrators perpetrator was?" That bothers me. As a survivor, I can not see ever abusing a child after what I went through, if the thought ever crossed my mind, I would take my life. How could anyone ever do this to a child after living through it? I am seeing a therapist and have talked to her about this. She agrees with Dave23 that my wife should support me on this and we can arrange to see the rest of her family at other times.

Once again, THANK YOU ALL FOR THE ADVICE


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#16693 - 12/17/01 09:53 AM Re: Advice Needed
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Mike,
You have heard it all but how about your wife?????????? If you can by any means get your wife to go to this therapist with you....as soon as posible...DO it...this will be your answer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eddie


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#16694 - 12/17/01 02:58 PM Re: Advice Needed
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I hope this Christmas season works out for you. It is too bad you have to face this type of position with your inlaws. I wish you the best with your family. Do something fun with your daughter.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#16695 - 12/17/01 04:01 PM Re: Advice Needed
ScooterSCS Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/01
Posts: 37
Loc: Chicago, IL
Let her go, no need to fight over it and i understand exactly what you are feeling...however she should understand how much it hurts you. And I also think you should make the best of the time and spend it with your daughter


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#16696 - 12/18/01 09:28 AM Re: Advice Needed
Anonymous
Unregistered


Just to let you know, I have talked to my wife about this upcoming event and how it really bothers me and that I can't see anyone wanting to spend time with a child abuser and not with your family. I asked her to not go and support me on this. I was shocked that she said that she would not go and that she is behind me 100%. She does want to see the rest of the clan and celebrate Christmas and I told her that I would run all over NY to do that with her so that she can see her Family, as long as he is not there.

On Saturday night, I am planning on taking her and my daughter out to a very nice restaurant and just having a great time.

Thank you all for you help.


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#16697 - 12/18/01 04:39 PM Re: Advice Needed
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Awesome!!!!!! \:\)

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#16698 - 12/18/01 04:49 PM Re: Advice Needed
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
That's wonderfull...Happy Xmass to you and your family!!!! You have inspired me to try harder and try to enjoy the time that I'm "off work" with my family!!!!!

Eddie


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#16699 - 12/18/01 05:05 PM Re: Advice Needed
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
That is just wonderful.

I love all her support.

Merry Christmas, have fun on Saturday night.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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