Nate,
You might want to look back and recall what kind of ideas about sex abuse left you with. In my case, for example, five years of abuse left me thinking that sex is when two people get together to get off, and one enjoys himself while the other one gets used and trashed. Imagine how that subtext, if you like, affected me later as I tried to relate to potential sexual partners or explore relationships.
For a survivor I'm not surprised at all that you see things the way you do. You're not crazy; you've been catastrophically hurt and in your case it's not been so long ago as for so many of the rest of us. That is, it's a relatively fresh wound and of course it hurts like one.
If you can get it organized, the way through this is professional therapy. A good T who knows male CSA issues will be a godsend for you and help you through all the complications and confusion with as little new pain and trauma as possible.
It can be done, bro, and you're not alone.
Much love,
Larry
_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me. (Woody Guthrie)
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