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#166455 - 07/13/07 08:02 AM "uh...what did you say?" Possibly triggering
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
So...I got hearing aids...sigh.

My wife got tired of hearing those particular words over and over, "What? Uh?"

It is very sureal, the sound...and individually cost more than the first car I drove off of the showroom floor. But when I put them in and went outside for the first time...I heard the breeze in the trees.

Funny how a person adapts...to a hearing loss let's say...over the years. I made the mistake of yelling at my father one night at the dinner table when I was thirteen. Well, I wasn't at the dinner table so much as I got up from it, stood back and screamed, "Stop it! Just stop it!" Then ran to my room. You might imagine he followed right after.

The next morning I woke up with blood on my pillow. Ruptured both eardrums. Got me out of school for a week and a half as I recall.

The first time I had them in and was sitting in the kitchen...when the refridgerator came on, I jumped. My wife looked at me and said sarcastically, "Yes, it has always made that noise."

Oddly...I like the quiet when I take them out.

Funny what we get used to, uh? Funny what we accept as acceptable.


Dave



Edited by ttoon (07/14/07 12:45 AM)
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#166565 - 07/13/07 08:34 PM Re: "uh...what did you say?" [Re: ttoon]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dave,

That's such a cool post on the topic of accepting what we know as reality. I don't have hearing aids or hearing loss, but because of my asthma my ears become blocked easily and have to be cleaned periodically. When I'm fresh from a cleaning I hear so many things that I had gradually lost over the previous months.

I think it's always good to challenge and revisit what we think we know.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#166568 - 07/13/07 09:11 PM Re: "uh...what did you say?" [Re: roadrunner]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Thanks, Larry,

I'm trying to think of a way to describe the feeling...what do you think?

As what happened changes from who I am to what happened to me...as the experiences take their place along side all the others in my life...witnessing the birh of my daughters, watching them graduate...as I watch the sun come up in the morning and feel connected rather than isolated...what is that feeling?

It would be too easy to say it is like...washing away the years of dirt...more accurate to suggest that chunks have fallen off here or there.

May I ask...because you seem so comfortable with it...I don't have a "before" to go back to...this is what I have always known...when you do have an obvious before and after...is it that "before" that is the goal? Do you see what I'm asking? Did you feel trust "before" and it was changed by the experiences?

I have always been curious...but certainly...you may decline.


:-)


Dave

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#166575 - 07/13/07 09:38 PM Re: "uh...what did you say?" [Re: ttoon]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
did you all know that hearing is the last sense you loose when you die?


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#166576 - 07/13/07 09:48 PM Re: "uh...what did you say?" [Re: Jarrad]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
don't ya gotta wonder how that know that, uh Jarrad...

:-)


Dave



Edited by ttoon (07/13/07 09:48 PM)
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#166588 - 07/13/07 11:54 PM Re: "uh...what did you say?" [Re: ttoon]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Dave,

Yes, I know what you are talking about (I think), and this is a topic that my T and I discussed a lot! I made very rapid progress in therapy in so many ways, and frankly, that bothered me. I felt I was setting up a house of cards and the whole thing would come crashing down around my ears one day soon. That is, I was making progress but not trusting it.

My T told me that there were two main reasons why I was doing so well. One was that I had really solid family support. I went back to the States in Nov. 2005 and told my parents (I especially needed to tell my Dad), and in order to set that up I disclosed to my sister Cathie and other safe people. It took me all summer and fall to stumble through this, but at the end of the day I had really fantastic support from a safe circle of family members and good friends. The toxic idiots I just ignored and never told.

The other factor was that before I was abused at age 10 I had a positive and caring family background. I felt special, important and loved, and I was a happy and lively boy - asthmatic, so limited in some ways, but still happy. My T helped me to see that I could deal with many of my issues by "bridging" back to that pre-abuse time. For example, when we talked about being unlovable she got me to think back to family occasions and events before the abuse; these times are full of memories proving that I had indeed been loved, and hence that I must have been a lovable boy. It of course wasn't so simple as that, but the point is that this tactic of "bridging" did give me some solid places to start and that in turn made other tasks a lot easier.

So yes, trust played a big role in all this for me. With my T's help I was able to look back and see that trust wasn't the most stupid idea in the world after all - the problem was trust misplaced, however understandably, in one very evil man. I could do that because I had a "before" period; I could look back to it and see many instances of trust fully rewarded. So it wasn't as difficult for me (compared to others) to relearn how to trust, though that ability had been entirely wrecked by 5 years of abuse as a boy and then some weeks when I revisited the inferno at age 20.

This isn't just about trusting people, but also trust in my therapy, my progress, in the new ideas I was formulating about myself, and in my ability as a man to handle challenges and threats to all this. That is, I became able to trust that I was building something real here, and not a house of cards that would eventually collapse at the first sign of danger. Dealing with the things that happened in San Francisco when I was 20 has been a huge challenge for me, but from an early point I could see I would work through it eventually, and that in itself felt pretty good.

All this is a long way (as usual) of getting around to what I think you are really facing. You talk about some very powerful experiences, like seeing your children grow and become young adults, seeing the sunrise, and so on, and you feel "connected" in some way. What's that all about?

I think I would call that an emerging sense of entitlement, using the term in a positive sense. That is, not just an awareness of the wonderful things in the world, though that's powerful and rewarding in itself, but a developing sense that Dave is a good person after all and deserves to participate in these wonderful things. You don't have pre-abuse memories you can bridge back to, but you do have a lot of these very positive memories and connections in your adult life and you are developing good tools for drawing positive conclusions about yourself from them.

But it all comes back to trust, I guess, doesn't it? How do we know any of this is real? Or that it will last? Or that it means what we think it means? Here I think we have to learn to trust ourselves first and foremost, and as the men we are now, not as the defenseless boys we were years ago. We need to trust that as we shed the "chunks" of dirt that never belonged to us at all, what's emerging really are the decent guys we think we are discovering. And again, the proof is all around us if we will only look at it. Our role as fathers, for example, or our ability to appreciate beauty and majesty now as never before. Or our ability to appreciate even little pointless sounds.

We can of course point to things that are not so great about ourselves, but hey, as you say in your post, that applies to every guy and not just us. We have a right to happiness and fulfillment in our lives - entitlement if you like - the same as they do. We wonder if we can trust these sentiments and connections, but as we heal we see a lot more reasons why we should than reasons why we shouldn't.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#166595 - 07/14/07 12:37 AM Re: "uh...what did you say?" [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Dave,

I wear a hearing aid on the left ear, and have done so for several years now (I'm 46). I have severe hearing loss in the left ear and moderate hearing loss in the right ear (both of which were caused by parental neglect when I was a child). As a result, I had a radial mastoidectomy on the left ear at 6, and a modified mastoidectomy on the right hear at about 10. I didn't get an aid, though, until I was in my early 40s because of my desire to not feel "different" like I did all those years growing up. And you are right, it is amazing what you can hear with them. I'm glad I have it now, but only wear it on specific occasions, such as during my men's group meeting, church, etc.

And yes, I really understand what you mean about liking my "quiet world". I'm used to it, and the loudness and noise or the "normal" world is very unsettling at times.

_________________________
Eddie

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#166597 - 07/14/07 12:43 AM Re: "uh...what did you say?" Possibly triggering [Re: roadrunner]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Larry,

Thank you...

Frankly...and honestly...I envy that feeling of "safe" as you describe it. It was a mystery to me until just recently. And the "house of cards" analogy works so well.

But it was necessary too often to "excuse" myself from what was happening while at the same time trying each time to hang onto it. To test myself, try to hang on to it as it was happening. If that makes any sense at all. So that now that I do feel what is being sold as "safe" it isn't at all what I imagined it would be.

Trust was never just what I felt toward another individual...but, too...could I trust what I feel, what I know is true? So...I disappear inside what is "safe" and everything goes away. There is a connection unlike anything I have ever felt before and I hear my heart beating just like I did all those years ago when it was the only sound I either could hear or chose to hear.

It is suggested that we do not "remember' pain so much as how we reacted to it. For me...what I did to try to get away from it. So...I got very very good at "excusing" myself from it...and at the same time feeling something as subtle as the air moving across my skin from a window nearby.

What is true...what is real...what do you trust?

The human body is amazing in it's capacity to be resilient...I am grateful and I hate it at the same time. It is a gift and a burden as I struggle to stay connected...because connection seems to be the goal more than anything else.


Thank you


Dave



Edited by ttoon (07/14/07 12:43 AM)
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#166599 - 07/14/07 12:55 AM Re: "uh...what did you say?" Possibly triggering [Re: ttoon]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Eddie,

YES!

I do like my quiet, too.

...and yea...my wife gets very frustrated with me because I do not wear them as often as she would like me to :-)

My therapist actually told me he was not going to speak louder if I chose not to wear them...LOL...

Thanks!!


Dave

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02/07/09

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