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#166008 - 07/11/07 11:31 AM Feeling queasy
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I've been thinking alot about my sexuality. I was thinking that when I look at porn and masterbate, no matter if it's a guy or a girl the fantasy is always about me being abused by them. I can't seem to get past the embarrasment of actually admitting that I want to have sex. It has to be with me having no choice in the matter or I literally get sick to my stomach. I'm ashamed of myself when I think about anyone I know in my fantasies. Like wanting sex is such an ugly thing to want. Sex is just abuse to me no matter what situation it's put in.

Like I said, feeling queasy that this is what my sexuality comes down to.

Anyone?

_________________________
Thriving

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#166013 - 07/11/07 11:59 AM Re: Feeling queasy [Re: mogigo]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mike,

I think you will find that almost any guy here will have had his ideas about sex messed up by abuse. By the age of 14, for example, I had learned that sex was what happens when you want to get off with someone else. You find someone younger and weaker than you and just go for it; both may achieve orgasm, but the younger one is going to be humiliated and trashed. Always.

It's hard to get past those feelings, bro, especially if they've been enforced on you time after time. I remember feeling so rotten the first time I had a chance to have sex with a girl (I was 16). Man, I felt terrible wanting her "that way"; I saw it as me wanting to do to her what the abuser did to me. Needless to say, nothing happened that night.

But here's something that may help you. Have you stopped to think about the fact that sexual abuse and sex are NOT the same thing? Sure, they both involve a sexual act, but are going to the 7/11 and racing in the Indy 500 the same, just because they both involve driving a car?

Abuse is a criminal act committed against someone by another person who is more powerful and wants the thrill of enforcing that power in the most humiliating and shaming way possible - forcing the victim, almost always younger, to satisfy him in the last way the victim would want to: sexually. Real sex, on the other hand, is something shared on the basis of mutual informed consent and hopefully involving feelings of affection, caring and love. It takes some time to really believe in this huge difference, but there it is.

Once we begin to see things this way, Mike, we can also begin to accept that there's nothing wrong with being a sexual person or wanting sexual contacts. That's part of being human; we're hard-wired for that. We can see ways to reject the abusive and shaming aspects of our old ways of thinking and still acknowledge our sexuality.

Hope this helps.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#166018 - 07/11/07 12:16 PM Re: Feeling queasy [Re: roadrunner]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Thanks Larry, helps very much.

I guess I do understand that they are two different things. I say guess because I'm really only going on what people tell me, but I do believe them. I've made attempts at changing my behavior when I fantasize, just trying to slowly integrate it into my routine. Just hugging and holding hands seems to be okay but as soon as I go any farther, kissing, sexual touching, I literally want to throw up. It's very frustrating. I feel like I'm in clockwork orange and instead of conditioning me from bad shit they did it with the good stuff.

I guess I'm just being impaitient again. I'm tired of being alone and I just want to at least be able to function enough to at least look for a partner. Just not even feasible right now, what if they want a kiss, lol.

Thanks Larry, appreciate it Brother
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#166133 - 07/11/07 08:42 PM Re: Feeling queasy [Re: mogigo]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mike,

That's a rough one indeed. I don't know much about it, but I have heard there are physiotherapies that can help with problems like this. Are you seeing a T at the moment? It might be a good idea to talk about this. I know that must be a otugh one as well, considering hoe you feel about sex anyway. But just try to tell yourself that however wrong your ideas are, it's okay to feel this way and it makes sense in light of your past. At the end of the day, for the T it's just another example of a problem that shows up all the time.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#166224 - 07/12/07 09:23 AM Re: Feeling queasy [Re: roadrunner]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Hi Mike,

Like you I have put up barriers when it comes to sex, with a slight twist; I only put up barriers when I'm with someone I really care about. I can and have had sex with strangers with no problem.

Of course I see where this all comes from; I've formed the notion that sex is not love, that sex hurts. How can I hurt the ones I love?

It's the fundamental problem that all CSA survivors deal with; how can sex be a wonderful thing when it hurt me so much? For me, dispassionate anonnymous sex is a feeling thing, whereas 'sex as love' is a feeling AND thinking thing. I think about what my partner wants, why he or she is doing this, what if... well, just what if. That's when the triggers come into play. If I could shut down the 'thinking' part of me for awhile, it would be easier to get past this, but the problem is that I think too much.

I wish I had a solution for you (and me), but it's not that easy. Letting go of the 'what if's' require trust, not only in your partner but in yourself, that boundaries will be respected and there are no ulterior motives. That if you're with the right person, the physical needs and desires are natural and healthy and come from true careing and fondness, not power and control.

But it's hard to trust others when you've been so badly betrayed. It's hard to trust ourselves when (we think) we made so many mistakes. Even now, 40 years later, I can trust myself and others when it comes to everything except sex. I know my feelings are inacurate and distructive, yet I can't change them. Not yet, anyway.

I've made some good progress in many areas dealing with the ramifications of my CSA. When I feel that I have conquered this one, I will consider that a real success. The only way I know of to do that is to keep reaffirming those rational feelings until they are internalized into my emotional feelings. Talking helps, especially with those people you love and trust. Therapy definately helps. Time helps.

I hope this helps!

Laz

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#166242 - 07/12/07 10:26 AM Re: Feeling queasy [Re: Lazarus]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i didnt read everyone elses responses cause im lazy so i dont know if anyone has said this, but you know, that is a fantasy for a lot of people not just survivors. so i wouldn't be ashamed of it. explore it. see where it goes. dont think of it as wrong because its not. its just what turns you on.


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