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#315590 - 12/21/09 08:32 PM Re: Our Secret Doors [Re: Regs]
Tuggs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/20/07
Posts: 53
Loc: Pensacola, Florida, USA.
I DIDN'T KNOW it would be my first memory.
I DIDN'T KNOW they already knew.
I DIDN'T KNOW I'd feel so worthless.
I DIDN'T KNOW church was not safe.
I DIDN'T KNOW I'd be hated.
I DIDN'T KNOW I could be a fragment.
I DIDN'T KNOW csa predisposes one to a(dult)sa.
I DIDN'T KNOW I could not trust anyone.
I DIDN'T KNOW I could be loved.
I DIDN'T KNOW to live for myself.
I DIDN'T KNOW all men were not bad.
I DIDN'T KNOW if I could do this list.
I DIDN'T KNOW I would hurt more now, than I did then.

I think I got this all wrong in re-reading the above posts. I will submit it anyway as it is truth.

I DIDN'T KNOW I could tell the whole truth.

Rob

PS. Powerful thread! Thank you!



Edited by Tuggs (12/21/09 08:43 PM)
Edit Reason: added "not" for all men were not bad.
_________________________
Im alive. Youre alive. Want to play?
-Judah Rosner

My Story

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#337819 - 08/07/10 11:28 AM Re: Our Secret Doors [Re: Tuggs]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Bump! For the new folks who haven't seen this before.

Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#337823 - 08/07/10 12:18 PM Re: Our Secret Doors [Re: roadrunner]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Some of us did tell and were punished for it with more abuse and more isolation. Some of us had no one to trust to tell and in my case when I did eventually come to know someone who cared I had been abused for so long and was so confused as well as being still subject to the abuse between contact with this person I was beaten down by the lack of action to help me. No one seemed to be adult enough or strong enough to stand up and say this shit has got to stop or failing that just simply pick me up and walk away with me to protect me.

There is no secret door for kids in the same situation, every alleged secret door lead only to more abuse and reinforcement of the idea that no one cares, even the behavior of those who said they cared.

The fact is a lot of us who were from broken families had no one and it was customary to absue that fact even by those considered "normal" and placed in charge of us in the institutions we ended up in.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#337928 - 08/08/10 11:16 PM Re: Our Secret Doors [Re: kidneythis]
fhorns Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/10/02
Posts: 613
I didn't know what "safe" was.
I didn't know I could feel safe.
I didn't know I was a lovable person
I didn't know ALL males weren't abusive.
I didn't know I could have something worth saying.
I didn't know.....I mattered.

And finally...

I didn't know how mad I was from being used, abused, and then left behind. mad

Alfred


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#337967 - 08/09/10 05:46 PM Re: Our Secret Doors [Re: shadowkid]
NDbiker Offline


Registered: 07/27/10
Posts: 37
Loc: North Dakota
I didn't know that I couldn't be strong enough to bury this indefinitely
I didn't know that my parents wouldn't protect me
I didn't know the effects would be there the rest of my life
I didn't know defining my parent's treatment of me as abuse would let me choose recovery
I didn't know it would be so hard to face each day in recovery
I didn't know that my abuses left me so detached from feeling life
I didn't know why no one could see my pain even though I faked happiness
I didn't know that my whole life would be spent living inside of a fake shell
I didn't know how good/frightening it would feel to remove that fake shell occasionally
I didn't know what unconditional love was


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#363889 - 06/08/11 10:33 PM Re: Our Secret Doors [Re: NDbiker]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6808
Loc: USA
This is a great thread.

Bump

Allen


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#363893 - 06/08/11 11:31 PM Re: Our Secret Doors [Re: shadowkid]
WalkTheWalk Offline


Registered: 03/06/10
Posts: 57
Loc: Wisconsin
I didn't know keeping the secret empowered him
I didn't know who I could tell
I didn't know how to make it stop
I didn't know I could say no

_________________________
- The pain of our past can have influence in molding a better person than we might have been otherwise.

- Sometimes boys with a thousand nightmares become men with a million blessings.

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#363895 - 06/09/11 12:02 AM Re: Our Secret Doors [Re: WalkTheWalk]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6808
Loc: USA
This thread can be turned into a -pdf file. After it quiets down again I'll make a pdf and make it available to everybody.

Now I wonder where the guys are who have responded to this thread. I know of about a dozen or so.

Allen


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#363934 - 06/09/11 09:56 PM Re: Our Secret Doors [Re: pufferfish]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
One of my favorite threads here, Allen. Thanks for bumping it. It was good to read it again.

_________________________
Eddie

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#363953 - 06/10/11 12:42 PM Re: Our Secret Doors [Re: EGL]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
My secret doors...

I didn't know...I wasn't safe sleeping in my own bed.

I didn't know...that I wasn't safe sleeping in my own bed...(more than once).

I didn't...know that I could be both warm and snuggly and frozen while trying to sleep.

I didn't know that "Stranger Danger" was complete bulls...

I didn't know...my dad would have listened...(he didn't seem to have a lot of time beyond all the rage and anger).

I didn't know..."that children are meant to be seen and not heard"...is actually a mixed message.

I didn't know..."because I say so" is another mixed message...(adults are not always right, reguardless of what they say...

I didn't know...that turning me on, was All about getting him off.

I didn't know it was about power.

I didn't know...that keeping this secret had nothing to do with protecting me.

I didn't know...that deciding not to turn off, is actually an unconcious decision to go straight...(continue)

I didn't know.."stockholm syndrome".

I didn't know..."dissociation".

I didn't know...how this would go on to affect my sexual identity and sexual orientation...

I didn't know...that by not taking other doors, this would eventually lead me to the..."Gates of Insanity."


Goodbye to Jane (Antichrisis)

island



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Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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