I have never told my story before. I've only ever told a couple of people that I was abused, and less than that my father was the abuser. But here goes anyway.
I am the youngest of four kids. My brother is seven years older than me, my sister four years older, and my other sister two years older.
I was always my dads favorite, as long as I can remember. If you look at our family album you can see that there are far more pictures of him holding me as a small child, or lesser so, my brother than of my sisters. It makes me so fucking disgusted to think of that. Was he thinking of having sex with me when I was a toddler? Can he really have wanted to do things to me when I was that little?
I think he started touching me when I was about six. It's very blurry timewise, but I remember climbing up on his lap around that age, and him starting to touch me through my pants. He would come into the bathroom while I was taking baths and he would look at me naked and he would wash my private parts. Where was my mom? Her husbands in there starting to molest her six-year-old.
Of course he was already doing things I didn't understand to my brother. He would come into our shared bedroom at night and I would hear the bed squeak and Will would be crying very quietly. I knew something bad was happening to my brother, but I was only in kindergarten. I didnt know what was going on.
MY father started exposing himself to me after he had gotten me used to the touching. We would be sitting watching tv, just the two of us, and he would unzip his pants and pull his dick out. HE'd stroke it in front of me. I was young, but I wasn't too young. I knew he wasn't supposed to do that. In school they had the stranger danger awareness stuff, but they never said your dad could be the one making you feel icky. They said to tell your parents BUT IT WAS MY PARENT who was doing it. I would ty not to look but it wasn't any use, he would usually pull me closer to him on the couch and grab my head and force me to. I remember the first time I saw him come, I had no idea what had happened and I was scared. But he kissed me on the forhead and told me not to worry, it made him feel good.
The first time he made me touch it I was home alone with him. He told me to go take a shower and get ready for bed, but when I got in the shower he got in with me. HE was naked and so was I and I didnt know what to do. So I just stood there. He knelt down and said that he wanted to do something to show he loved me, but I couldnt tell anyone because it was a secret thing that dads and kids do together. I said ok. What else was I supposed to do? SO he took my hand and put it on his penis and showed me how to stroke it. When it got hard he said that showed me he loved me, that he liked how I touched him. HE kept holding my hand on his cock and making me stroke it, my wrist hurt but I really didn't want him mad at me and I did want to make him happy. I was standing in front of him, so when he came he came all over my chest. I started crying then, didn't like how it felt, and he told me to cut it out, that it was a good thing that happened and he reached down and started stroking me. It felt good, but even being so young I knew he wasn't supposed to touch me there, I didnt want him to. I tried to make him stop and he slapped me across the back of the head. NOt hard, think just to scare me, but he didn't touch me anymore that night.
Its funny, I can't remember a lot of what he did to me, but that incident, the first time he really molested me, stands out like a motherfucking beacon. I can't remember a lot of the horrible stuff, but I can remember when he crossed that line.
He started with oral soon after that. Oral scared the holy living shit out of me when he first started doing it. His penis looked huge to me, and he expecting me to jam it halfway down my throat. I remember crying and begging the first time he made me do it, but his way of reassuring me was to grab my hair and force his cock in my mouth. I hated the taste of semen, and I always thought I could taste it, I didnt want to eat anymore cause everything tasted like his semen to me. My throat hurt so bad, but when I stopped resisting and he didnt have to force it it felt better. I learned early on that if I resisted the stuff he did would hurt worse, plus I would get a beating. If I did what he wanted he would kiss me and hug me, and I liked him being nice. SO I just did what he wanted. It wasnt too bad when I got used to it.
This continued until I was probably ten. My father was drinking more and more heavily, and this made him rougher with sexual things and more likely to hurt me if I did wrong. The beatings for the whole family were getting worse. My brother was pretty much left alone by now for sex stuff, he was seventeen, a big guy, and now my father had me to do stuff too. I couldn't help hating Will for that, when dad visited me at night I am ashamed to admit I kept wishing for him to go to Will instead.
He raped me when I was ten. I remember it vividly, wish I could repress memories. He came into my room one night. My brother was gone, not that it mattered to my dad. He took off my clothes, but that was normal by now, he liked me to be naked. But then he started putting his fingers in my ass, and that freaked me out. He had kinda done that to me before, but not like this. IT was starting to hurt and he still put another finger in. I started shaking, asked him what he wasa doing. He said he was getting me ready, that he was going to put his penis in my butt.
For some reason, I didn't freak out or start crying yet, because I didnt think it was possible. his penis looked huge to me, I didn't see how he would be able to fit it.
I didnt know it could hurt so bad. MY dad pushed my head down into the pillow because I was crying and begging him to not do that. It felt like tearing and ripping and I wanted to scream, but i didn't want to get in more trouble and I cant tell the rest of this story rightnow i need to go calm down