I seem to spend most of my time alone . This is my own doing . I just do not care to be around People . Is seems that When I go some where that full of people I just have to get out of the place .
This is causing a strain with my Wife . Because she goes to the Cherokee Casino in Tahlequah , A couple of times a week . The casino gives her $5 to gamble with when she goes . She visits with her friends . This is her outing .
I can not stand the place . She says that I am a Hermit How do you force yourself to go to places ?
I have become like this as a defence meconism because I have serious trust issues sith strangers

Mike,

Boy, can I ever relate. My problem is going to places where I'll have to interact with people i don't know. For example, when I accompanied my girlfriend to her best friend's wedding. I had a really hard time at the dinner/reception. I felt fine during dinner, we were seated at a table with 6 other people that I was able to make small talk with. The problem I had was when people started to leave the table and I was left there sitting by myself. I felt all alone. Even though the room was filled with people, it felt like the walls were closing in on me and I was paralyzed. I couldn't seem to bring myself to get up from that table...it's like I only felt comfortable in that one spot. I feel bad about it as I type this because I think I looked like a freak, you know, the guy who just sat by himself all night? It wasn't exactly the impression I wanted to leave on my girlfriend's friends & family. Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble on, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling this way.

Relate!! ones got a wife,and the other gots a girlfriend.To me yall already done the hardest thing to get a wife or girlfriend.....I wouldn't say any yall are hermits.Maybe since you progressed in age,your life priorities have changed,and thats normal............Like when i was 17 years old(to busy getting drunk and high with friends) ,i was never home,but im now 37 and im always home........

work ----------home--------------work-----------home------------work------------home----------store for provisions-----------home-------------work----------home------------ my life

Yes, I can relate to all of the above as well. Being where there are people doesn't bother me near as bad as having to interact with those people. For me, it's usually because I am self-conscious about what they are thinking of me, or being worried that I'm going to say something stupid, etc. And BruisedSpirit, I can really relate about what you said about being left at the table by yourself. My wife is a social person, so she'll get up and go float around the room at receptions and such. Usually, I'm left sitting at a table by myself, arranging the silverware in perfect parallels to each other, sipping tiny sips of water, counting squares on the ceiling, etc.

As far as how to force yourself to go to places like this, the thing that usually brings me some amount of entertainment is people-watching. Too, you might see someone similarly detached and sitting alone, so you could try striking up a conversation with them as well. They'd probably be glad for the conversation.

Skingraph, don't let the fact that I'm in a relationship fool you. My GF and I have been together for 12 years and I'm surprised everyday that she's still with me. I'm convinced that, if we hadn't met because we shared an apartment with a few other people when we were in school, I'd still be single to this day. However, because we live in two different cities, and I'm all by myself most of the time, my regular routine closely matches that of Sabata's.

i like being by myself ,but thats way different from being alone,being by myself is ok being alone is not

Shadowkid,

I really like that statement, I'm just trying to get my head around it. Am I understanding you correctly, that we have a choice to be by ourselves or not, but to be alone is a feeling inside of us that gives us no choice, that loneliness is something we don't control?

In childhood, I'd hide out in the woods for entire days...or out on the ocean on my boats where NO ONE could get to me. In my 20s I'd spend endless amounts of time in a very remote house in the wilderness around Moosehead Lake in Maine. So yeah, I can relate. I knew this type of issolation was getting bad, so I'd force myself into breaking-out one step at a time. Baby-steps!!!

Sabata,thats me all the way,specially since the internet arrived the past 20 years.Amozon and newegg.com are my best friends,and they deliver to my door too.But thease friends always wanna take my money!!

Mike,

I wouldn't say you sound like a hermit, but I sure can understand how you feel. I remember gradually driving away or neglecting almost all the friends I once had, simply because I feared that they would "want me like that" too if I stayed close to them. I thought the abuse was my own fault.

Once we get used to being on our own it's a hard habit to break. I usually can be convinced to go out and do things, but left to my own devices I bet I would sit and watch TV, look at films, play guitar and listen to music all the time. But once I'm out I can have a good time usually. I used to hate being touched, bumped or brushed up against - I took all that as signs of deliberate approaches and thus as danger signals. I don't feel that any longer though, and man, what a relief.

Maybe it would help you get used to crowds if you and your wife were doing something you both like, insread of something you loathe. In all honesty, I can't imagine anything less attractive to me than a casino would be - not because of the crowds, mind you, but because of the sensory overload...too much sensory information coming in all at once from too many directions.

Can you see yourself talking about this with your wife? See if you can find a few things that ease you into more exposure gradually. Meantime, if she wants to go gamble and hang with friends, why not? Just make sure you two have your own "together time" with each other as well.

Much love,
Larry

Eddie, boy do I recognize that one. Tell you what, next time there's a function like that I'll come over and sit at your table and we can talk about the things that we know and understand.

Lots of love,

John

I have my own periods where, other than work, I am a complete hermit. I figure (in spite of plenty of proof to the contrary) that my friends and acquaintances don't want me around because I'm a surly, negative guy.

yes bruised thats what i meant ,to me by myself means im alone but there are other people in the world ,alone means alone in the world no one else exists,no family connection no friends no connection to anything ,alone in the dark. shadow

Maybe the damned casino is just plain BORING. I used to live in a town with a casino and I hated it because whenever any my friends from my hometown area came to visit me, they wanted to go to that stupid casino and give the Indians a bunch of their money, god knows why. It's soooooo exciting to push a bunch of buttons on a machine as it takes all your money. I'll never understand why people gamble. Maybe it's the cynic in me that figures that I'll never win anyway, so what's the point of playing you know?

But I digress. Mike, remember that isolation is a very common coping mechanism for survivors. What I don't understand is how you're like THIS and yet you found someone that you were willing to share your life with and MARRY and even had children. But when I say "like this" I don't mean that in a bad way either.

Mike, you MAY just simply be predisposed to being more comfortable by yourself. Many people are like that, right? But are you feeling panicky/nervous in there as well? You don't seem to indicate that so MAYBE you just don't care to be around strange people in strange places. MAYBE there is nothing wrong with you in this regard. Have you considered that?

Hey man! I can relate too. I work at home, alone. I hate to go out in crowds, even with friends and family. I manage but the anxiety is always there.

Even here, you are not alone...this is a good thing.

Mike,

I would be a hermit if my wife would enable it for me. However she doesn't. I've always forced myself to associate with other people to keep my 'mask' going... so no one will figure out that there is something wrong with me... hermit behaviour would lend weight to that theory in others (thats what my mind keeps telling me anyways).

I get severely stressed when I have to be around people in general. I usually end up with physical illness after periods of time spent with others. its only recently I've started to be a bit selfish and say no to putting myself in social situations where I know I'll end up ill on the other end.

The good thing though Mike is that you are coming here and posting messages, getting out whats on your mind. That's at least something and it doesn't require you to be around people in the physical sense.