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#165081 - 07/06/07 09:58 AM Re: dissociation [Re: MemoryVault]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Disassociating with me is a bit different than what you guys describe. I too get very detached from my body, Its like i am hovering over but have no control. My problem when I disassociate is my anger. I turn into my 6 year old self...except he has control over a 6'3" 275lb body...completely scary! I have never physically harmed a person during it but I normally end up punching things and I hurt myself. Can you imagine a tourchured, angry and vengeful 6 year old in that big of a body. I am terribly bad at saying the meanest things possible while disassociated. I can remember bawling at the things I was saying or said....I normally dont remember it but the terrified looks in my partner's faces say it all. I find myself in a closet somewhere in the fetal position when I snap out of it. I know at that point that I normally am in big trouble because of the things I did. Last time was over 18 months ago...I found two doors ripped off their hinges....4 holes in the walls....and yet again...boxers fractures on my right hand.

I cant figure out if my disassociation is caused by my anger or if the anger is a result of the disassociation. I went through a ton of therapy in how to keep my anger under control, since then I have not disassociated out.

Either way...I want to tell you. It is not perminant. You can control it. It can be fixed.



_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#171017 - 08/04/07 11:20 PM Re: dissociation [Re: pain4ever]
inthegrass33 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 107
I hear you on the fist through walls. I used to punch myself in the face too.

My dissociation is ongoing and constant, though. Most of the time, I just sit with it, do everything in the dissociated state. My problem is with people who say, "you're fine. you're perfectly healthy. i wish i had a body like yours."


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#171062 - 08/05/07 08:06 AM Re: dissociation [Re: inthegrass33]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Disassociation is a strange thing isn't it?

I read a de>
_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#171340 - 08/06/07 10:14 AM Re: dissociation [Re: ttoon]
inthegrass33 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 107
I recently picked up the PTSD Sourcebook. Dissociation means associated content that has not yet been processed, thus my feelings of being not-a-person or not "me" is the result of unprocessed material that is stored in a different way than normal memories. Normal memories are easily recalled, while when trauma occurs, that memory becomes compartmentalized as its own little world, that is highly unstable, just like ignoring a fire is bad, and can make a person feel shameful and stupid for not giving the fire proper attention. When we get flashbacks or nightmares or react to triggers, it is this content that hasn't been processed yet that we are being reminded of. I think about it and PTSD comes as a result of your brain not doing your life's homework. The problem lies in the intentionality of a person's recovery. I am having a hard time because my dissociation from my physical body WILL NOT STOP! Life is constantly a screen for me right now, and below the surface, I know that my brain is reacting to my fear of the dissociation and also, the material I have yet to process.


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#171342 - 08/06/07 10:25 AM Re: dissociation [Re: inthegrass33]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
This topic is such an important one for us and looking back it seems to me that everything that's been said has been really valuable. What especially strikes me is that dissociation was a tool we learned in varying degrees and ways as boys and have also held on it differently as adults. I recognize so much of my own experience in some posts here, while others are just not familiar to me at all. It reminds me of how similarly we learned to cope, but at the same time how differently as well.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#171380 - 08/06/07 12:30 PM Re: dissociation [Re: roadrunner]
inthegrass33 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 107
I have a question. Once the dissociation is no longer needed, is there still PTSD symptoms? I have dreams that are very fucked up and scary to me. I have my anxiety and dissociation even in my dreams. I don't sleep. I get fucking mad during the day, deliberately slamming and yelling and tensing and overally, just being tired of my brain, the fear, the fear of fear, the nothing that life is to me right now all because of an incident.


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#171524 - 08/06/07 09:48 PM Re: dissociation [Re: inthegrass33]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Inthegrass,

I think that is a really excellent question.

"Once the dissociation is no longer needed, is there still PTSD symptoms?"

Since we can not change what we do not ackowledge...recognizing the disassociation...why it is there and what purpose it once served is an important thing.

If disassociation disconnects us from the emotions...then in theory reconnecting with the emotions would certainly relieve the symptoms from PTSD...wouldn't it? By processing those emotions that we had disconnected from?


This thinking lead an awful lot of bad therapists and a lot of well meaning therapists to try reconnecting by putting us back into or having us go through the original trauma all over again...which just sort of revictimizes ya over and over...

I think this is why they call it a "Practice" as far as what therapists do in terms of describing their work. But my attitude is showing so...

What do you think? Will reconnecting to the emotions, processing them, grieving...will that relieve the PTSD symptoms?


Dave

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#171650 - 08/07/07 11:14 AM Re: dissociation [Re: ttoon]
inthegrass33 Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/31/07
Posts: 107
PTSD is primarily dissociative, I've read. Dissociated content results in PTSD symptoms such as physical and emotional numbing. I have also recently come to terms with dream patterns, my own avoidance of sleep (which has been ongoing since childhood), and a number of other symptoms I had when I was younger as a result of my incident. So to be dissociated means that you have dissociated memory content that is still seeping through the dam you built to protect yourself from what was TOO MUCH, or too complicated or even not understood yet.

I highly recommend the PTSD Sourcebook. It has put my "problem" into much perspective, to the point that I realize that my constant dissociation is a result of my own (temporary) inability to recognize an experience that I had when I was small.


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