SO, I do have feelings for my predators. It feels like the most artificial feeling I've ever had. It is of course, very wrong. I do still blame myself for it.

I believe feeling for your predators is common. I had three, four if you count my mother. I love my mother because she gave me life and I can now look back and understand the pain see has had in her life. She used my innocence to fill voids in her own life.

As for the three teenage males that used me; first befriended me and made me feel as what was happening was totally normal for boys to do as long as no one else knew. The second and third males I feel were using me to explorer their own sexuality, which has lead to my own questions of my own sexuality. I know the answer I am just to afraid to of the truth. Of the three, I want/ NEED to confront the third one. He was the closes friendship wise of all. I want to understand why what happened happened if the is possibly. I habor feelings for him, which I fear could come out when I confront him. Not sure how I feel about that hence the reason I haven't confronted him just yet.

Best of luck to you Marinan!

Marinan,

Abuse screws up a boy's thinking in a lot of ways, and one is that he can become attached to the abuser. He may appreciate the way the abuser makes him feel special, he may like the sexual arousal, he may feel he is geninely loved, and so on.

I can tell you that when the abuser was chased away from me when I was 14, I positively grieved for him even though I had feared and disliked what he did to me. But I thought I was worthless by then, so just the fact that he was paying attention to me made me feel appreciated. When the abuse ended I felt abandoned and unwanted.

That's how messed up we can get, bro, and those feelings don't go away just because we get older. They are sometimes very difficult to give up. But the simple fact is that no one who really cares for a boy would use and manipulate him in this terrible way. Abusers are into abuse only for themselves, never for us.

Much love,
Larry

marinan:

I have a long ways to go in my recovery, and one of my biggest issues is the fact that I still love my mother even though she abused me. This is actually quite common, and it is even a side effect of the abuse she caused. She manipulated me into thinking that she was my protector from my father and my sister, and it wasn't until I was much older that I realized that I needed no protection from these two people who love me very much.

I was utterly in love with my perp who was also my age... we were "together" for a few years in late teens / early 20's. I too was worthless so he was the only one who loved me and then it was on his terms. I would beg him to love me and his love was shown by sex and attention. His love was given to me and withheld at his whims.

Now that I've glimpsed real love, I see how hollow and threatening it was. Our little brains equate so many things with love. If you can fill a void in my life (even if you help create the void) I can call it love.

i still have feelings for my first perp, I was 7 and he gave me attention when nobody else did at a time when was starving for attention. I confused it with love/affection still, and it really scewed me up, even to this day.

Logan

I feel sorry for my prep cause he just got sex from me.
He never got my love.