why do i feel like i have to do that? how is that fair to anobody ,im starting to think its not a good thing ,that for me its just selfish. how can knowing something is causing pain for somebody that cares about me,be a good thing ,ithink maybe it is best to just keep it inside at least that way im only hurting me ,if i have something thats just ripping my heart out how is it fair or helpfull to show it to somebody that i know will feel compassion ,and will hurt for me? its evil to want others to hurt even if its for me. some things are best kept locked up where they belong. i know its about support,but what gives me the right to say here it is ,hurt for me? feel my pain ? selfish. if thats what iv'e done at ms im sorry . adam

Adam,

Humans were designed to care for each other. It is part of our make up. Without that ability to love and care for another, whether they are in pain or are joyful, we would not be fully fulfilled as individuals.

Think of it in the terms of how you relate to a puppy. If the puppy is lost you yearn to find it and you rejoice when it is found. If it is sitting in your lap licking your hand you have this sense of well being, or if you are hurting and it is licking your hand you are filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and love for the little guy.

The same thing is true of us as humans when we relate one to another, only it is compounded many fold because the humans can interact and communicate on the most basic or the most lofty of levels. It fulfills a need within us that can be met no where else.

It is a pleasure, even tho we may hurt for our brother, to care for him in that meaningful way. It also is fulfilling to him or her to know they are cared about and loved.

Hope this helps. If not I guess I'll just have to try again

Lots of love,

John

Sharing pain is part of true friendships.

Adam, you've been "different" ever since you went into the attic at your step-dad's house and read those letters that your Mom left, and looked at the pictures that she had up there.

Dude, what is it? Talk to us! You have MANY MANY friends here that CARE about YOU and will listen and PERHAPS offer some insight as to why you should or shouldn't see things the way you are at this very moment.

Remember........we didn't come here as individuals because we knew all the answers, we were hoping that someone ELSE might have them. We can't can't offer any answers unless you share what's hurting you.

And know here one wants to see you ever hurting again.

John and H have said a lot and said it well, but I'll add this.

This has not been (and is not) a one way street. You've been fielding a lot of stuff for the rest of us too ya know.

Adam,

You have been alone long enough. You have carried these burdens alone long enough. You have done it yourself long enough.

The people you share with....do they ask you to share? Do they say, here let me help carry this? Do they see you in pain and ask how they can help? The answer is yes. None of your pain is forced on anyone. We want to help.

The thing is we may hurt with you, but we also heal with you. You hurt with us too...should we stop sharing pain? I know you don't want that, but it is a two way street. A loving relationship involves taking turns carrying each other. It may be your turn to be carried right now, but you may be called upon to do the carrying the in the future. These are not short term issues.

Hi, Adam --

It's good to feel compassion. I'm grateful when someone gives me a chance to do something, give something of myself that's more personal than design tips or computer advice. For someone to trust me enough to share their pain or sadness and allow me to offer what support I can is a real gift.

Sometimes, someone expresses something deep inside them that is exactly what I'd been wanting to say, but the words hadn't come yet. That's another thing we do here--we give each other words. Think of the guy who's reading your post or message and realizes he's not alone. Maybe he isn't ready to post back, but he's there, and you've given him something (not taken it!)

David

Adam,

When we respond to anything you've posted...we don't read and respond thinking "here let me take on Adam's pain", we think "here is my friend and brother, Adam, hurting...I care for him and understand his pain...LET me care for him"

Point is you don't lay it on us...we WANT to help!

I have to tell you one thing...you have a style of stating your mind truthfully and without pretense...I love that because I KNOW what you think...I don't have to guess or work through any word games to try to understand...you shoot straight from the hip and I appreciate that from you! I have been meaning to tell you that for some time...now just seemed like the right time. Thanks.

if something cant be fixed then why talk about it?really it would take a time machine to fix it right? i cant go back and fix this stuff,so talking about it is only asking peopo;le to feel sorry for me for stuff that didnt happen to me ,it happened to the little kid,maybe i should just post a memorial to him cause i cant go back and help him now. somehow his pain is not my pain but to fix it i have to make it mine and im not strong enough to do that. thanks guys for the support and thanks buzz its cool of you to say that,i feel like sometimes maybe i can help somebody else ,but i cant do a damn thing for little shadow,i cant help the only one i should be able to,the one i have to . one thing i do understand now i mean really understand is how things like cutting can work ,cause there is pain that just makes me want to claw my skin till it bleeds cause i just dont know what else to do ,and its not about anger i dont think,its just an expression of pain so intense that nothing else is possible. it just feels hopeless ,like its too late to fix it. its like seeing a little boy across the river suffering but there is no way to get to him,no bridge from me to him

Hey, Adam --

No, you can't go back in time and fix the past. But you don't need to--the pain isn't back there; it's here, right now.

The actual kid you were, little Shadow--you can't re-write what happened to him. But the man you are who's hurting--you're real, your memories hurt NOW. Some of us give those memories the form of the kid we used to be, when the pain started, but you don't have to. You're a guy, right now, right where you are, who's hurting, and people care and hope they can help.

When the pain gets overwhelming, you have to do something, and cutting is one "safety valve", but I hope that allowing yourself to open up to other survivors without shame is a better way.

I go through it too, the "What am I WHINING about?", the "it was 30 YEARS AGO!!!", the "it wasn't so bad," and all the stuff that means I'm getting scared. But we have the RIGHT to go there! We have the right to say that the pain we feel right now, is old, old, stuff, and looking at it with folks who have been there can help. We have the right to stop being tough, going it alone, minding our own business, managing the pain as best we can with drugs, sex, cutting, or whatever. We have the right to do this. You, too!

David

ok i asked a freind to put something on this post for me cause i dont know how ,but somebody please tell me how anybody could deny a little kid the one thing he needed so desperatly,and if that kid grew up would it not be ok for him to find what he needed in the present day ,would it be dangerous? would it be against the rules somehow? adam

Could you be more specific please?

Post deleted by ttoon

At Adam's request, I am posting one of the letters that he found up in his attic. For those of you who don't know Adam, aka Shadowkid, I suggest that you go through the archives and read his story before you read this letter.

Adam before I post this I have to say this: I am humbled by the level of pain and betrayal that you have endured, all of which happened when you were just starting out in life. And yet, I REALLY mean this ok?, they could hurt you, but they could't break you. They couldn't break you. You were always better than that whole sick and twisted excuse for a family that you were born into. And I know this sounds kind of icky-sweet but I would do anything to go back and take you into a loving home that you deserved. This wasn't an easy letter to read but this NEEDS to be talked about. You're Mom doesn't deserve to be "resting in peace" right now.............and it pisses me off that someone could ever be treated like this. Ok here it is:

*crying, hiding my tears at the office*

So sorry, Adam! But I'm still glad you shared this--trusted us with it. No shame.

David

Adam,

I am so sorry. I hadnt seen that letter before. Makes me cry and its a good thing. We are here to help.

Brian

how do you fix this?

Adam,

You cant fix your past...you can only come to terms with it. You deserved to be loved yet you werent. That is a crime in itself. Too much to say but it would come out kind of harsh...not toward you Adam but toward your family.

You cant fix your family...but you have to stop letting them hurt you in one way or another.

Brian

You can't fix the past...only change the future. And know that is not your reality now.

Shadow can have what he wanted now...Adam can have this now.

I can't write any more....words are too empty for this pain.

Here's my quick opinion-answer: Grieve the losses. No grieving is pleasant, but healing comes from grieving.

Adam,



As Lorie has already commented, there's no fixing things that are in the past. We can only fix ourselves in the present and work for a better future.

One step in that process is to acknowledge and "own" our past. We have to identify how we feel and accept that these feelings are real and form the basis from which we have to start. But that doesn't mean the feelings are true. Take the example of guilt: feeling guilty doesn't make me guilty, right? But if I want to heal from my feelings I do have to admit what those feelings are. It's like other injuries: could I heal from a broken arm, for example, if I won't admit that my arm is broken?

Working through your feelings is where you are now, Adam. It hurts and it takes time, but you will get there. Believe me, you will. So many other guys here have been through this or are there right now. Just keep talking to us and let us sit together with these things and see what we can do.

Much love,
Larry

I know WHY your Mother killed herself now, I would have too had I done the same thing.

The guilt that she hid from herself and your step-dad and your little brother must have been unimaginable.

"Butch hurt me really bad"..............jesus.

i'm so sorry dude. i love you like a brother, even if it is embaressing for me to say that.

As I told you earlier in a PM, this is the hardest thing I have ever read. But I would have it NO other way than to share in this pain and grief with you.

We don't fix this. We cry together...We all get up off the ground together and walk-on. We find new things...new people...new opportunities. There are many hands reaching out to you here. Grab-hold!!!

So......Adam? You've been a little quiet so I thought I might show you another Mother-son connection gone awry. The sad thing about my situation with her is that she's reaching out to me and I'm hurting/empty so bad inside that it's hard to even talk to her.

In an email about to share with you guys, my Mother is going to ask about a time that she thinks I was happy and doing something with her. I THINK it was the exact same summer that my abuse started BUT it could have been the summer before or after, hard to say now. She's going to ask about when I brought her along while I hunted for snakes in a swampy area just outside of the village where we lived. She's trying to remind me of some good times when I was younger. She was mistaken.

Here is her email to me and my following reply. It took me a few weeks to respond to this. This is also the first time that she will know that I was smoking weed in 3rd grade, and that she had no clue. But I digress, here is the email. This is for you Adam, from one son of a dysfunctional family to another.
_________________________________________________________________
Alan

Thanks for letting me know your new email whereabouts. Is your phone number also changed?

Saturday I was at Rick's for part of the time when 6-7 neighbors came over with mowers and clippers and rakes and did Rick's lawn which was getting knee high and did a major whack job on the shrubs along his driveway. A neighbor lady gave Rick a riding mower that she was getting rid of. After some tinkering he has got it going, so maybe now he'll be able to keep up with it himself.

Rick says you are in that house all alone for a while. Are you in charge of the lawn during this time? Can you park off the street even when all the rooms are rented out and the owner is in residence?

Remember when you took me snake hunting down by the Holiday Inn where that park is now? Shades of Steve What's -his-name?

I think you should write a book.

Love, Mom
_________________________________________________________________


And my reply:

_________________________________________________________________
I don’t mean to ignore you sorry, I just don’t know what the hell to say.



Phone is the same



Will be parking on the street, on and off. Still living alone here, some perspective tenants have come over but they didn’t accept the rooms.



Why do you ask about that time? Yes I remember it. I also remember being in 2ond grade, and there was a play (godilocks and the 3 bears) that our class was to put on, Mrs. Bose was the teacher as you may recall. I remember not going to the rehearsals cuz I thought it was stupid. I also remember coming to school the day after the play and everyone was asking me “Alan why didn’t you go?” I shook my head and just didn’t give a shit. I remember struggling with math in 3rd grade, the teacher kept making us go up to the board and if I didn’t know how to do the problem I would get upset and she would nod her head and let me go back to my seat. I remember not feeling good about myself. I remember hanging out with Dave Browne ALL THE TIME. I remember him getting me high the same summer that I was seeing Rick’s “Friend.” I remember not even considering talking to either you or Dad about what Dave and I were doing. I remember not having any confidence in anything I ever did. I remember being in second grade and we were assigned to drawing pictures of ourselves, and that it wasn’t pretty, and that the teacher told me, after having all the student’s parents guess which picture was their child’s, that you chose EVERY other picture before you chose mine. I remember Mrs. Bose asking me a lot of personal questions like “Are your parents living together?” Or “Who helps you with your homework?”


But yes I remember showing you where I caught snakes.
_________________________________________________________________

I hope this doesn't digress or hijack your thread, I just want you to know that your Mom can "be there" and still not be there.