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#164491 - 07/02/07 05:09 PM Re: sharing the pain [Re: roadrunner]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I know WHY your Mother killed herself now, I would have too had I done the same thing.

The guilt that she hid from herself and your step-dad and your little brother must have been unimaginable.

"Butch hurt me really bad"..............jesus.


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#164537 - 07/02/07 11:20 PM Re: sharing the pain [Re: Hauser]
kuurt Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/05
Posts: 168
Loc: louisiana
i'm so sorry dude. i love you like a brother, even if it is embaressing for me to say that.

_________________________
"if it keeps on rainin' the levee's gonna break.
and if the levee breaks, i'll have no place to stay"
-led zeppelin

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#164573 - 07/03/07 08:42 AM Re: sharing the pain [Re: kuurt]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
As I told you earlier in a PM, this is the hardest thing I have ever read. But I would have it NO other way than to share in this pain and grief with you.

We don't fix this. We cry together...We all get up off the ground together and walk-on. We find new things...new people...new opportunities. There are many hands reaching out to you here. Grab-hold!!!


_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#164654 - 07/03/07 09:00 PM Re: sharing the pain [Re: Still]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
So......Adam? You've been a little quiet so I thought I might show you another Mother-son connection gone awry. The sad thing about my situation with her is that she's reaching out to me and I'm hurting/empty so bad inside that it's hard to even talk to her.

In an email about to share with you guys, my Mother is going to ask about a time that she thinks I was happy and doing something with her. I THINK it was the exact same summer that my abuse started BUT it could have been the summer before or after, hard to say now. She's going to ask about when I brought her along while I hunted for snakes in a swampy area just outside of the village where we lived. She's trying to remind me of some good times when I was younger. She was mistaken.

Here is her email to me and my following reply. It took me a few weeks to respond to this. This is also the first time that she will know that I was smoking weed in 3rd grade, and that she had no clue. But I digress, here is the email. This is for you Adam, from one son of a dysfunctional family to another.
_________________________________________________________________
Alan

Thanks for letting me know your new email whereabouts. Is your phone number also changed?

Saturday I was at Rick's for part of the time when 6-7 neighbors came over with mowers and clippers and rakes and did Rick's lawn which was getting knee high and did a major whack job on the shrubs along his driveway. A neighbor lady gave Rick a riding mower that she was getting rid of. After some tinkering he has got it going, so maybe now he'll be able to keep up with it himself.

Rick says you are in that house all alone for a while. Are you in charge of the lawn during this time? Can you park off the street even when all the rooms are rented out and the owner is in residence?

Remember when you took me snake hunting down by the Holiday Inn where that park is now? Shades of Steve What's -his-name?

I think you should write a book.

Love, Mom
_________________________________________________________________


And my reply:

_________________________________________________________________
I donít mean to ignore you sorry, I just donít know what the hell to say.



Phone is the same



Will be parking on the street, on and off. Still living alone here, some perspective tenants have come over but they didnít accept the rooms.



Why do you ask about that time? Yes I remember it. I also remember being in 2ond grade, and there was a play (godilocks and the 3 bears) that our class was to put on, Mrs. Bose was the teacher as you may recall. I remember not going to the rehearsals cuz I thought it was stupid. I also remember coming to school the day after the play and everyone was asking me ďAlan why didnít you go?Ē I shook my head and just didnít give a shit. I remember struggling with math in 3rd grade, the teacher kept making us go up to the board and if I didnít know how to do the problem I would get upset and she would nod her head and let me go back to my seat. I remember not feeling good about myself. I remember hanging out with Dave Browne ALL THE TIME. I remember him getting me high the same summer that I was seeing Rickís ďFriend.Ē I remember not even considering talking to either you or Dad about what Dave and I were doing. I remember not having any confidence in anything I ever did. I remember being in second grade and we were assigned to drawing pictures of ourselves, and that it wasnít pretty, and that the teacher told me, after having all the studentís parents guess which picture was their childís, that you chose EVERY other picture before you chose mine. I remember Mrs. Bose asking me a lot of personal questions like ďAre your parents living together?Ē Or ďWho helps you with your homework?Ē


But yes I remember showing you where I caught snakes.
_________________________________________________________________

I hope this doesn't digress or hijack your thread, I just want you to know that your Mom can "be there" and still not be there.


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