why do i feel like i have to do that? how is that fair to anobody ,im starting to think its not a good thing ,that for me its just selfish. how can knowing something is causing pain for somebody that cares about me,be a good thing ,ithink maybe it is best to just keep it inside at least that way im only hurting me ,if i have something thats just ripping my heart out how is it fair or helpfull to show it to somebody that i know will feel compassion ,and will hurt for me? its evil to want others to hurt even if its for me. some things are best kept locked up where they belong. i know its about support,but what gives me the right to say here it is ,hurt for me? feel my pain ? selfish. if thats what iv'e done at ms im sorry . adam

Adam,

Humans were designed to care for each other. It is part of our make up. Without that ability to love and care for another, whether they are in pain or are joyful, we would not be fully fulfilled as individuals.

Think of it in the terms of how you relate to a puppy. If the puppy is lost you yearn to find it and you rejoice when it is found. If it is sitting in your lap licking your hand you have this sense of well being, or if you are hurting and it is licking your hand you are filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and love for the little guy.

The same thing is true of us as humans when we relate one to another, only it is compounded many fold because the humans can interact and communicate on the most basic or the most lofty of levels. It fulfills a need within us that can be met no where else.

It is a pleasure, even tho we may hurt for our brother, to care for him in that meaningful way. It also is fulfilling to him or her to know they are cared about and loved.

Hope this helps. If not I guess I'll just have to try again

Lots of love,

John

Sharing pain is part of true friendships.

Adam, you've been "different" ever since you went into the attic at your step-dad's house and read those letters that your Mom left, and looked at the pictures that she had up there.

Dude, what is it? Talk to us! You have MANY MANY friends here that CARE about YOU and will listen and PERHAPS offer some insight as to why you should or shouldn't see things the way you are at this very moment.

Remember........we didn't come here as individuals because we knew all the answers, we were hoping that someone ELSE might have them. We can't can't offer any answers unless you share what's hurting you.

And know here one wants to see you ever hurting again.

John and H have said a lot and said it well, but I'll add this.

This has not been (and is not) a one way street. You've been fielding a lot of stuff for the rest of us too ya know.

Adam,

You have been alone long enough. You have carried these burdens alone long enough. You have done it yourself long enough.

The people you share with....do they ask you to share? Do they say, here let me help carry this? Do they see you in pain and ask how they can help? The answer is yes. None of your pain is forced on anyone. We want to help.

The thing is we may hurt with you, but we also heal with you. You hurt with us too...should we stop sharing pain? I know you don't want that, but it is a two way street. A loving relationship involves taking turns carrying each other. It may be your turn to be carried right now, but you may be called upon to do the carrying the in the future. These are not short term issues.

Hi, Adam --

It's good to feel compassion. I'm grateful when someone gives me a chance to do something, give something of myself that's more personal than design tips or computer advice. For someone to trust me enough to share their pain or sadness and allow me to offer what support I can is a real gift.

Sometimes, someone expresses something deep inside them that is exactly what I'd been wanting to say, but the words hadn't come yet. That's another thing we do here--we give each other words. Think of the guy who's reading your post or message and realizes he's not alone. Maybe he isn't ready to post back, but he's there, and you've given him something (not taken it!)

David

Adam,

When we respond to anything you've posted...we don't read and respond thinking "here let me take on Adam's pain", we think "here is my friend and brother, Adam, hurting...I care for him and understand his pain...LET me care for him"

Point is you don't lay it on us...we WANT to help!

I have to tell you one thing...you have a style of stating your mind truthfully and without pretense...I love that because I KNOW what you think...I don't have to guess or work through any word games to try to understand...you shoot straight from the hip and I appreciate that from you! I have been meaning to tell you that for some time...now just seemed like the right time. Thanks.

if something cant be fixed then why talk about it?really it would take a time machine to fix it right? i cant go back and fix this stuff,so talking about it is only asking peopo;le to feel sorry for me for stuff that didnt happen to me ,it happened to the little kid,maybe i should just post a memorial to him cause i cant go back and help him now. somehow his pain is not my pain but to fix it i have to make it mine and im not strong enough to do that. thanks guys for the support and thanks buzz its cool of you to say that,i feel like sometimes maybe i can help somebody else ,but i cant do a damn thing for little shadow,i cant help the only one i should be able to,the one i have to . one thing i do understand now i mean really understand is how things like cutting can work ,cause there is pain that just makes me want to claw my skin till it bleeds cause i just dont know what else to do ,and its not about anger i dont think,its just an expression of pain so intense that nothing else is possible. it just feels hopeless ,like its too late to fix it. its like seeing a little boy across the river suffering but there is no way to get to him,no bridge from me to him

Hey, Adam --

No, you can't go back in time and fix the past. But you don't need to--the pain isn't back there; it's here, right now.

The actual kid you were, little Shadow--you can't re-write what happened to him. But the man you are who's hurting--you're real, your memories hurt NOW. Some of us give those memories the form of the kid we used to be, when the pain started, but you don't have to. You're a guy, right now, right where you are, who's hurting, and people care and hope they can help.

When the pain gets overwhelming, you have to do something, and cutting is one "safety valve", but I hope that allowing yourself to open up to other survivors without shame is a better way.

I go through it too, the "What am I WHINING about?", the "it was 30 YEARS AGO!!!", the "it wasn't so bad," and all the stuff that means I'm getting scared. But we have the RIGHT to go there! We have the right to say that the pain we feel right now, is old, old, stuff, and looking at it with folks who have been there can help. We have the right to stop being tough, going it alone, minding our own business, managing the pain as best we can with drugs, sex, cutting, or whatever. We have the right to do this. You, too!

David

ok i asked a freind to put something on this post for me cause i dont know how ,but somebody please tell me how anybody could deny a little kid the one thing he needed so desperatly,and if that kid grew up would it not be ok for him to find what he needed in the present day ,would it be dangerous? would it be against the rules somehow? adam