((((((Xavier))))))

I am so sorry...I cant say too much but I am sorry...crying.

WHY IN THE FUCK DO ASSHOLE MEN THINK THATS A WAY TO PUNISH BOYS...DAMNIT SEX IS NOT A FUCKING WEAPON!!!

Thanks guys.
Don't know what to say for now.
I'm scared though thats what I do know.
Maybe I'm secretly still scared to be left alone. By everyone.
Rationally I know they won't but I can't help myself sometimes.

I get these nightmares. Of everyone dying. My (foster) mom, my brothers. And I can't do anything to stop it. And then everyone else blames me.
Or of that night whit the knife. But instead of trying to kill me she does kill my little brother. Because I couldn't save him.
Or she tries to kill me and succeeds and then I see myself getting burried but no one cares, no one.
There are so many nightmares.

Xavier

I remember when I was 6 or 7.
Our bio. 'mother' had been away for a couple of days. Wich we didn't mind cause that was a few days of not having to be scared.
I was doing the dishes. I heard her come home.
She yells at me for not having finished the dishes.
I hear my brothers walking to our bedroom, I'm glad cause I know there will be a beating or worse they don't have to see it.
I freeze when I see a man appearing in the door to the kitchen.
He tells her I better word the 20 (or was it 30 I don't know) bucks. He takes me to my 'mothers' bedroom.
That was one of the worst ever.
I remember I was bleeding for many days after and def wasn't able to go to school.
There are more memories like this. There were so many man.
I still shake and feel all kinds of emotions like back then when I think about em. Feeling of loneliness, powerlesness, dirty, ashamed, pain and so on. Like I'm not just remembering them but it's happening right now.
Sometimes I still feel her stabbing me. That's def the most pain I've ever felt, physically that is.
People say you got to talk about it but I can't do that.

Xavier

Xavier - one of the things I learned here (and it took me some time to realise), was that whenever anyone posted their history here, I never ever judged them and always condemned the evil people that had harmed them.

I realised that I was still judging myself, because I believed that I was an intelligent kid (although obviously naive)and somehow should have not let it happen. I didn't really know how to do that - I didn't have the power to stop it, so it happened.

It wasn't my fault, it wasn't your fault. We were all used by extremely evil people. You also protected your brothers - that makes you a hero in my book!

It takes time to get over this, and one of the best ways is to let out what you feel! Posting here is a very good way of doing that - you will find nothing but support.

Best wishes ..Rik