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#164072 - 06/29/07 06:07 PM memorie, disturbing lots of triggers
Xavier91 Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/11/07
Posts: 84
It's a pretty sharp memory. Sometimes I dream about it too. Keeping me up at night.

I remember coming home from school. I was 5 years old.
My biological 'mother', started yelling at me things like where do you come from, why did you not take your brother whit you (he was only 3 so he didn't go to school yet) hitting me when I did answer, hitting me when I didn't answer too.

I never knew how to react around her, wich made things more scary. The unpredictability. Never knowing what's the right thing to do or say.

So then she asked her boyfriend of that moment to 'teach me some respect'. I remember him smiling evily. I was lying at the floor of the kitchen so she dragged me of the floor. He dragged me to my 'mother's' bedroom. I was confused because that was strictly forbidden teritorry. He then told me to undress, so I thought he was going to hit me, so I took my tshirt and sweater of. When he started to unbuckle his belt I thought he would be going to hit me whit it. So I was confused when he made me lye down on the bed. And when he pushed my pants and underwear down. I remember a lot of pain, so I cried, yelled. He told me to shut up, it's only a few fingers, I'll show you what reall pain is.
I remember looking up to my 'mother'. She was standing in the doorway whit a bottle of beer. I don't think she had expected this but she didn't do a thing to stop it either.
I remember more a pain so strong it was like my head exploded. I looked at my 'mother'. Then things turned black.

That was the first time. I was 5. I started to accept it as something that grown ups did to kids. But it was something I learned to fear the most. After him... more guys followed..
I remember my mom getting money drugs etc for it. Back then I couldn't put 2 and 2 together yet and I didnt understand that it was r*pe or even something s*ual as I was only a little kid.
I did make a vow to myself that from all the things I had to protect my brothers, this was priority number 1.
Thankfully they never were interested in my brothers.
So my 'mother' is dead. Killed herself. I don't feel the need to talk to her or ask her questions. But sometimes I wonder how she could have sunk this low as to trade her own son for sex, so she could get more money and stuff for her addictions.
Whatever the reason... this memory has been haunting me a long time now. Well it's one of them. I can sometimes feel exactly like I felt back then. The pain. the emotions.
\:\(

Xavier

_________________________
Rather laugh about what has been
Then fear what still comes, perhaps
Rather loving a big ghost
Then hating something that you canít see

You are gone, but closer then ever

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#164079 - 06/29/07 06:34 PM Re: memorie, disturbing lots of triggers [Re: Xavier91]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Xavier,

Of course you didn't know it was sexual, much less rape. How is a kid that young supposed to know about such things? I was 10 when I was first abused and I had no idea this had something to do with sex. It wasn't until my Dad gave me "the talk" that the thunderbold hit me.

Xavier, when someone goes down the path of hard drugs they can lose all sight of what's right and wrong - all they know is their craving for what they need to feed their addiction. Unfortunately, we have plenty of cases here where a boy was made available to others so a parent or guardian could get money for drugs, or where the boy himself does that if he has gotten caught up in hard drugs.

I'm glad you can talk about this; it's part of how we learn to face what happened, process it, learn what we need to learn and then move on. Just know you will never be judged here. All of us here know what you may not be sure of yet: it can never be the kid's fault. Not ever.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#164094 - 06/29/07 07:30 PM Re: memorie, disturbing lots of triggers [Re: roadrunner]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Xavier - it makes me so angry that anyone wants to do this to kids. When a 'parent' sanctions it, it is even worse (even if they are drugged up to the eyeballs)! If a 'parent' needs money to bring up their kids, there is a safety net called welfare in most of the modern world! Addiction is a difficult subject, but that does not make what happened to you right!

You did nothing wrong. You may have a problem accepting that fact, but you did nothing wrong!

I wish you well ...best wishes ..Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#164345 - 07/01/07 05:34 PM Re: memorie, disturbing lots of triggers [Re: RICK57]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
Xavier,

I am so sorry. This is ultimate betrayal, from who should have protected you instead of beat you up and then sell you like that so she had more money for her addictions.
I still also remember the first time my father r&ped me very well. Like you I just accepted it as something adults did to children. I'm so sorry. G*d I'm all crying here, that never happens! And like you i had no idea that this had anything do whit r*pe or something s*xual, we were much to young to understand anything of that.
Anyway, what I do want to say to you is that I think you are so strong. Talking about all of this stuf, it's something I still don't do, not like this anyway. You probably don't realise this, but you are.

Stefan

_________________________
You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

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#164398 - 07/01/07 11:13 PM Re: memorie, disturbing lots of triggers [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Originally Posted By: Stefan012
Anyway, what I do want to say to you is that I think you are so strong. Talking about all of this stuf, it's something I still don't do, not like this anyway. You probably don't realise this, but you are.


There's a truth to remember! It takes real guts and courage to come to the discussion board and talk about these things. And it does us so much good just to break the silence and find our voice again. Just remember how long you were shut up and silenced and forced to sit alone with all your feelings and problems. The time for that is OVER now! \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#164465 - 07/02/07 12:41 PM Re: memorie, disturbing lots of triggers [Re: roadrunner]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1240
Loc: NY
Xavier, like everyone said here, it was never your fault, it could not have been, you were just a little kid.

g-d this makes me increadably angry as you and I share somthing in common; my mother also stood by and just whatched what was going on. I some way I thought that I had 2 mothers as mine was very unperdictable too.
one that was my 'real' mom who loved me and kissed me good nite, and then there was this imposter later on when things got really bad, by her inaction or neglect she allowed all this bad sh*t to happen as if she wanted it to or was oblivious to it but sometime it happen in front of her.

I don't excuse my mom for this I think she was very depressed and could not 'face it.'

I know how tough it was for me to take about what happend the first time I posted somthing here, I was so, so scared.

Good for you, what you have done is the thing that I thought would kill me when I did it. You broke the silence and let go of the secret. Well Done. That takes alot of courage and I commend you for it!

There really are whole bunch of good guys here that have helped me more than I can explain-my words could not do them justice but they done more for me than anyone in my entire life!

so welcome Xavier, I'm sorry that you have to be here but glad that you found us.

Take care of yurself,
Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#164513 - 07/02/07 08:25 PM Re: memorie, disturbing lots of triggers [Re: Logan]
Alexander Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/06
Posts: 223
Loc: The Netherlands
((((((Xavier)))))))
Like Stefan said I'm really sorry. And you are definitely a strong person. definitely.
I remember the first time very well too.. I was 9 then, and like you had no clue what it was. or that it was abnormal.
I'm just so glad you got away from that life at age 8.
Take care X... we are here for you always.

Alex

_________________________
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

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#164535 - 07/02/07 11:14 PM Re: memorie, disturbing lots of triggers [Re: Alexander]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Guys,

Originally Posted By: Xavier91
That was the first time. I was 5. I started to accept it as something that grown ups did to kids.


Originally Posted By: Stefan012
I still also remember the first time my father r&ped me very well. Like you I just accepted it as something adults did to children.


Originally Posted By: Alexander
I remember the first time very well too. I was 9 then, and like you had no clue what it was. or that it was abnormal.


See how great it is when you have someone you can talk to openly and honestly? We discover we are NOT alone, NOT freaks, and NOT GUILTY - together. How totally cool is that?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#164761 - 07/04/07 04:44 PM Re: memorie, disturbing lots of triggers [Re: roadrunner]
Xavier91 Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/11/07
Posts: 84
I know it wasn't my fault.
I do blame myself sometimes, but then it's for other stuf... Like I should have protected my brother when my bio. 'father' hit him in the hospital this year... Stuff like that.
Logically you can tell me all that stuff isn't my fault, he's wrong, you are not, and I will agree whit you but it just doesn't always feel like that ya know.
Just... memories like this haunt me every night and often during the day too and I don't know how to handle them.

Xavier

_________________________
Rather laugh about what has been
Then fear what still comes, perhaps
Rather loving a big ghost
Then hating something that you canít see

You are gone, but closer then ever

Top
#165018 - 07/05/07 11:55 PM Re: memorie, disturbing lots of triggers [Re: Xavier91]
mjolnir Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/04/07
Posts: 7
Loc: New York State
Xavier,
I hear you. i jave just very recently admitted to myself that i was sexually abused by my cousin. I don't have the answers for you , although i wish i did because that would mean i had them for me.
I am trying to handle my thoughts,memories,emotions, one moment at a time. And my wonderful wife is helping.
They are hard. The hardest things in my life. But the healing i have felt in the last week, reading, talking and coming here to discover others who care. who don't judge. Those are the things that have helped me for a week. maybe some of this will help you?
One minute at a time


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