Yeah, I know. It was more of a reflection today on how I have felt, rather than a currently experienced emotion. I guess I like the ironic. I know that longing for acceptance and belonging is a great thing that I want to nurture and fulfill one day for my own kids. I also know that that is one of the primary ways that abusers prey on kids. I know that was my situation. I just wanted to be "the favorite" cousin.
I was thinking today that it was really a pattern. I have always wanted the acceptance of guys just a few years older than me. I have distanced myself from guys my own age, and I have been chasing that acceptance for so long.
In some ways I realize that I relate more with women as a way of distancing myself from feeling like I can't relate with other guys or live up to their expectations.
Okay, so now I really am feeling those emotions again. I think that's all I can go into for now if I actually want to have a decent evening.
letting the broken pieces be shaped into something new and beautiful is the greatest joy and struggle of this journey