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#16417 - 11/19/05 05:35 AM Re: first timer scared crapless!
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
wow i gotta say i didn't expect anyone to even respond ,so this is cool ,i have tried so many times to talk about this stuff but nobody wanted to even hear it .has anybody been in foster care?i had 9 from age 13 to 18 ,and i was not allowed to talk about why i was there ,except when the real kids .bio kids i call them found out and teased me about it all i was was a state check each month for them .it's funny but i talked about everything with the police ,i told all in court ,but it made me feel worse not better .does talking about it really help? sorry if i'm taking too much space rambling on .i think when you been quiet for years once you start talking it takes a long time to get it all out.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#16418 - 11/19/05 05:41 AM Re: first timer scared crapless!
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
also my perp as you call it is on parole with a no contact order ,they sent me a letter when he got out.but you gotta understand this guy is not remotely normal ,going back to prison don't bother him ,he wrote me from prison saying he wanted to see me about some unfinished buissness ,that got him an extra 6 months .being a family member it is very hard to hide from him as some of my family are on his side they say he paid for what he did and i should forgive him .

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#16419 - 11/19/05 06:02 AM Re: first timer scared crapless!
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Hi again Shadow,

You know what? You are absolutely NOT talking too much, and it does help. You are not taking up too much space, or rambling. Your thoughts about all this are very important. Not only will it help you to understand more about yourself and what you are feeling, but it helps us to understand more about ourselves also. Believe it or not.

You know, I'm almost envious of you being able to start confronting these devastating issues at your age. I was molested from ages 6 to 9. I went through all my teen years hating myself and ashamed of who I was. I had no friends for most of that time and was afraid of nearly everyone. Sometime during my late teens or early twentys I began repressing the memories because It was all just too much for me to deal with. Two + years ago it all came rushing back in a sickening flood. How I miss all those "lost" years. I envy you those years. You can start to deal with all of this while you are still young instead of waiting till you are nearly 50. I know it may seem like a heavy burden to you right now, but if you are willing to hang around here with us, we'll help you through the pain. We've been there. We understand what it's like to hurt and be angry about what we lost.

I hope this doesn't sound like a bunch of nonsense to you because I don't mean it to. I'm trying to say here that we really do care. About you.

You are so right about it taking a long time to get it all out. Be patient with yourself. Talk about it all you want. That is what this place is for.

Take time to love yourself. You are a very special person, Shadow. Every one is.

Courage my Friend,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#16420 - 11/19/05 06:44 AM Re: first timer scared crapless!
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
thanks so much i been waiting so long for somebody to listen

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#16421 - 11/19/05 07:17 AM Re: first timer scared crapless!
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
No problem, Bro. We listen because everyone of us have been there in one way or another and we know what it feels like to not be heard...

Hugs

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#16422 - 11/19/05 08:32 AM Re: first timer scared crapless!
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
A SHADOW OF ME

Shadow, today you shined
and filled me with your light.

Listening to your story
I realized,it was high time
I got over mine.

I also decided to
honour your courage
by finding some of mine.

Shadows melt away
at the face of light.

And when the light lies within you,
shadows don't stand a chance.

What those three long months
couldn’t destroy in you
was the light, that is you!

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#16423 - 11/19/05 08:43 AM Re: first timer scared crapless!
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
morning star now that was cool !! i love it!i think i had more courage at 13 than i do now.it's just when i think of him ,i don't know it's like my insides just melt ,there is so much fear and i can't control it .

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#16424 - 11/19/05 01:48 PM Re: first timer scared crapless!
MB57 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/24/05
Posts: 15
Loc: IA, USA
You are so brave. Keep up the fight. Luck is always by the side of brave people. It is just a trick your mind is playing. I did not even speak about abuse for 35 years and ashamed of the memories. For you fight this at 13 is great step.
Remember No adult Victims. We are all here to listen/read whaever you write. Please keep writting that is way you are going to get rid of the fear. God bless you.


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#16425 - 11/19/05 03:40 PM Re: first timer scared crapless!
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Some of your family is "on his side"? What kind of assholes are we dealing with here? This is outrageous!
Forgive? Well, maybe, some day, a thousand million years from now. Maybe.
Forget? NEVER.
He may (not really) have paid his "debt" to society, but he can never repay the little shadow kid inside you.
Stay alert, protect yourself, don't do anything rash or impulsive. Take some deep breaths. You are very brave. Love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#16426 - 11/19/05 03:48 PM Re: first timer scared crapless!
fozzy_bear Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/05
Posts: 54
Loc: Upstate NY
I believe fear is the root of all our thoughts. Look at any other trauma based condition and fear is the debilitating factor. It is so natural to feel fear, fear can make us fight or make us take flight. The more you understand your fear the more you can understand yourself.

If you are in danger, than by all means do what you need to protect yourself. Don't second guess or feel bad because others are telling you not to be. It sounds like this is where you are at this time in your life or maybe not. This are things you talk about one on one with a therapist. Us older guys have been caring around fear for so long it clouds our thoughts. Fear is good when you need it and bad when you don't.


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