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#1632 - 01/14/04 12:56 AM wanting to trust again.....
scarman Offline
Member

Registered: 01/09/04
Posts: 74
Loc: London On Canada
I'm really trying to trust people, but it seems like everytime I let my guard down I end up regretting it later.....I'm still trying to benefit from letting the good people close to me, at the same time keeping my distance from the not so good people. trouble is I'm not always sure I can trust my own judgement.......anyone else feeling the same things?

Part #2 of my interview is on http://www.londonrunner.ca in case anyone wants to check it out. My athletic accomplishments are my way of escaping......healthy or not, I go back and forth on this alot.

shawn

_________________________
scarman stands for the tatoos I have, and also the emotional scars I've accumulated from my past.

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#1633 - 01/14/04 04:47 AM Re: wanting to trust again.....
Angry_youth_86_Keith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/02
Posts: 103
Loc: Olympia, Washington
Trusting is one of those funny things that you do every day but only 1-100 people sometimes totaly deserves your trust. In my case iv found that ratio to be even higher..maybe 1:1000x& a number that I havn't finishd yet. I dont belive there is one true test of someone to trust. Its almost a really badly put together game of hit or miss. So I dont think anyone can really give a answer directly. But damn it would be nice huh?

_________________________
"Ignoring mortality, we worship mediocrity"- Greg Graffin

"Live fast, die young, leave a great looking corpse"-Ronny Van Zant

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#1634 - 01/14/04 01:32 PM Re: wanting to trust again.....
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
The question I want to ask is, "Trust with what?"

It depends I think on how far you want/need to go with someone. It seems reasonable to me that you would at first take it slow with anyone, feel them out slowly and surrender sensitive information only as you feel safe to do so.

I can trust the guys here and that means a lot. I think being able to say what I need to here will help me feel more confident about telling others what I want to.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#1635 - 01/14/04 05:20 PM Re: wanting to trust again.....
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
i have learned from my t i cannot trust right away -
plus peops close to you at some point or another
will disapoint you and it's important to talk about it

i get fatigued really easily and then i let my guard down - out of being tired and forget to protect myself -

and then i become hurt by weird sadists who can't control themselves-

take your time with trust - there are some good special people out there -

who you will be able to rely on -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#1636 - 01/14/04 08:09 PM Re: wanting to trust again.....
wanderer Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/03
Posts: 50
Loc: massachusetts
in order to trust others, you must first learn to trust yourself. it's something that you develop so you're going to make some mistakes. learn from them and above everything else, be patient with yourself.

_________________________
"i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell" (matchbox 20)

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#1637 - 01/15/04 02:24 AM Re: wanting to trust again.....
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
wanderer that is a great comment -
this is essential - this is a really hard part of
my journey through life - so much of my life
was - family - was the pretty picture and money -
and abuse - liars -

see the film 'far from heaven'

i know now that part of my life has been based to much in the external world and not enough trust in my internal spiritual world -

scarman - we are all scared here - i will never be able to say or do the right things but wanderer is right - you will always have you -
in trusting your ability to come back to your center - you - just you - you may be able to see others - as they may be trusted -

mgb

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#1638 - 01/15/04 03:20 AM Re: wanting to trust again.....
blueelectron9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/07/02
Posts: 387
Loc: Victoria, BC Canada
Quote:
I'm not always sure I can trust my own judgement
Yup. And like another post had mentioned, I don't know if I can trust myself. I think part of it is truly complicated by the fact that I have a very clever mind that can not only come up with a reason someone else would be devious and deserving of mistrust, but it comes up with the entire scenario and completes the dots from Point A to Point B in the blink of an eye. That is, I am able to prove my initial fear/thought with logical, thought-out rationales.

It makes my life very unpleasant.

Peace,
Scotty

_________________________
An odd duck who likes even numbers.

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#1639 - 01/15/04 08:31 PM Re: wanting to trust again.....
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Scarman - I have still difficulties trusting people, however I am getting braver with it.

Since I recently started having therapy, I have added several people to the list of people that know about my abuse (although they don't know much about the details).

Two years ago I first told 3 friends - I was bladdered at the time (but had wanted to tell them for quite a while & couldn't ever do it sober)and it was a big risk to me if they had reacted negatively. When I was sober I always thought that they would understand but I could not find the inner strength to say anything - instead I just used to withdraw into myself. Their response was fantastic, they had known something was wrong but didn't know how to ask what? Since then they have stood by me - two of them will talk/listen when I need them to. The other keeps me alive socially but is upset that stuff happened to me (and that it happens to anyone)and finds it difficult to think about let alone talk about. I know these are people I can trust. *It took me years to develop these frienships - a good investment of time!

I know I can trust my Boss who went out of her way to get me help when I cracked just before Christmas (the company is spending a small fortune getting me help) - I was not a pretty sight. There are at least 4 of my co-workers who are also supporting me. There are others at work who know something is up & keep asking me if I'm OK (I disappeared from work on the 18th Dec & went back 5th Jan), but I haven't trusted them with any details of why I was off yet (notice that yet).

I know that I can trust people on this site (yourself included). Just thinking about it makes me smile, 2 years ago 3 people knew. A couple of weeks ago 8 people knew, and now about 1500 people know (the relief).

There are people that I meet at work and socially that for some reason I don't trust and have limited conversations with (I don't particularly know why). Perhaps they have mannerisms, atonation or attitudes that remind me of some of the more negative events of my life.
A very recent development for me is that I no longer try to make people like me - I am starting to reach a balance whereby I either get on with someone or I don't. If there is mutual respect, you don't have to be best friends. If someone just doesn't like me, well sod them (I don't actually have anyone in this category at present...thankfully).

To summarise, I have let my guard down and somehow feel much stronger for it. I've only been met with support (still amazed and very lucky). I think that when I do next get a negative reaction from someone (unwarranted)I'll just tell them to **** off. I'm worth more & so are you.

We have to take risks - hope you can learn to trust people a bit more & if they do let you down, just keep trying. They probably don't deserve you as a friend anyway.

Hope I haven't rambled on too much.

Best wishes again...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#1640 - 01/18/04 07:36 PM Re: wanting to trust again.....
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Guys - I agree when we asked, "Trust with what?" Those of us with breached boundaries and who, because of the abuse, have problems with limits will also generally not know when something is too much...too much information, too personal information, information that exceeds our comfort zones! Therefore, we say too much too soon to too many people. Then we regret what we've said and withdraw concluding we are not sure what to say to whom! Common with abused people.

Sometimes we need to know we can simply share nothing; or we can share surface stuff; or when is it safe? This we learn through therapy, reading books on limit setting and keeping clear boundaries and in a live (opposed to internet) suipport group. Learning how we make acquaintences, friends, good friends, close friends, best friends...through books, groups and therapy training.

This is something that I developed over time - much talking things out, recognizing honestly my own needs and protections (safety needs). and working with therapists and others to develop my safety and trust.

Learning to trust is complex and a goal needing planning and work to achieve. Good luck!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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