I am having issues, now that I am back in my home city, with my
mother. I do not wish to see her, and she do not have my phone number or address. But she is in contact with my sister, who is now pregnent with her second child, and is always asking of me, and trying to get my sister to give her my information. I feel very bad for Raya being 'in the middle' so much, and having to listen to her complaints about me. Raya do not like her so much either, and is rather annoyed of the way, my mother is trying to so much make Raya feel she is the 'good child' now, saying things like 'Well, at least you let me see my granddaughter, you are not like your brother, I never even got to see my first grandchild' and such things like that.

I am not sure why I am putting this here, just, my sister is upset and annoyed, and I feel guilty for that. I am just bothered I guess. And I do not want to see her, my mother. I just do not know I can do it.

Vitaliy

Vitaliy,

My sister and my mother were the same as your mother. I tried to ignore but I was my mother's caretaker for 10 years. And people wondered why I drank after dear old mum died.

My sister is alive but lives 30 miles away so we only meet for social events. You are not going to change your mother so don't try and pray for your heroic sister!

froggy

Visha,

Wow, this is a tough one. If I were in this situation I would do something like the following. I would call my mother from a pay phone or from my sister's place and tell her that I don't want to be in contact with her. I would not argue at all or listen to any bullshit. I would just say "Stop trying to contact me, I don't want to talk to you", and that's it. I wouldn't be rude, but I would be firm.

I would also tell her that I have asked my sister not to give her my contact details, and that would take the burden off my sister. Then I would tell my sister that if my mother calls, just tell her, "As you know, Larry doesn"t want contact with you." I would tell her not to get into arguments about it either. She can tell my mother "This is Larry's decision and I don't have anything to do with it." Period.

Hope this helps; I know it's not easy dealing with a problem like this.

Much love,
Larry

Vitaliy

Unless you tell her somehow that you don't want contact she will down play the whole thing. It is good to make sure she knows where you stand on this.


Tom

Vitaliy,

I agree with both Larry and Tom on this. I think that, if you really want to maintain this boundary, you will have to contact her in some way. I think I might even write her a letter and post it from another city. But even if you do this, you should still speak her to tell her of your decision, as she could pretend she never received the letter. I just think that doing both would reinforce your seriousness about it.

Joe

Visha,

Looking back on what I said above, I can tell you that so far as I can see, doing this is the only way you can convey a very important message: "I am worth so much more than how you treated me. Don't think you can break my heart again by pretending it meant nothing. I know it means nothing to you, and that's why I have no wish to speak with you."

Much love,
Larry

Vitaly - it sounds as though both you and your sister understand 'the games' your mother is playing. Look after yourselves, and stay strong with your sister.

Do what you wish - somethings you cannot change!

Best wishes ...Rik

Visha,

Thinking of you as you struggle with this problem. I can understand maybe a small portion of how it feels, and you have my care and concern.

There will come a time when you feel you must take a stand with her. That may be now or it may be at some later time. Either way you have our support.

Lots of love,

John

Thank you all, for the advice.

I had told her already I want no contact with her. The last time I seen her, it is more then a year ago, and when I was in Michigan, I had no issues without having contact with her. I guess just now that I am returned home, she expect of me more, I don't know. But I do not trust her, and worst, I do not know I trust me with her.

VN

Visha,

All the more reason to stay away and refuse contact. You don't need the grief and trauma. I think it's a good rule of thumb to avoid anything that needlessly causes us new turmoil.

You're a good man, my friend. It takes real courage to talk about these things as you are doing here.

Much love,
Larry