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#16382 - 10/28/02 03:28 PM Cross Dressing
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Hello all I'm new and I'm a Brit!

It has been suggested by others more experienced with forums than I that I should post what I had earlier posted in the Gay section of the forum. But I think I should give you a quick resume of who I am.

My name is Kirk and I was abused by a group of men when I was aged 14-15 at the same time I discovered alcohol (what a godsend!) I quickly became a slave to the stuff and my abusers wanted less and less to do with me as I became very much of a problem, threatening them with this and that. My relationship with my father broke down totally this was one of the reasons of running to my abusers for sanctuary in the first place. However I'm jumping the gun. Around the age of seven I used to snuggle up to my mothers stockings and loved the feel and smell of my mum. I was curious and it went a little further. Before long I was dressing in her underwear it made me feel fantastic and I felt safe. As I got older and especially after I had starting drinking I would put on stockings suspenders and stuff just for a laugh with my mates. They thought I was totally off the wall, which was exactly the impression I set out to give. If I was off the wall I wasn't responsible for my actions. By this time my boozing was out of control I was homeless and I started to prostitute myself. I came across some very unsavoury characters who either paid me in cash, gave me a bed for the night or just kept me supplied with any spirit that was available. I didn't mind buy me a bottle of Johnny Walker Black label or Smirnoff blue and you could do what you wanted too with me. I just did not care. I stayed in that state of oblivion for just over thirty years. I stopped drinking and using hard drugs in 1994, but relapsed with booze earlier this year, but I stopped as soon as I started. A three day bender.

However I have been remembering a lot of what I did as I research my book and I have just recently started to describe what I did with some of my customers and the clothes some of them liked me to wear. The whole thing was sordid but I can remember dressing up and thinking I was a totally different person to the person I actually was and I enjoyed it. Penny was born. Make up was a big thing with me as that really enabled me to hide completely with mask to go. Those memories of dressing are comforting in some obscure way. I was wondering if any other guys have gone through what I'm going through at the moment. Do I accept that this is actually part of me and as I'm not harming anyone else should I just go with the feeling? It maybe purely for the sexual feeling as I feel I am in total control and cant be hurt by anyone else and in any sexual situation including my wife I feel I'm totally out of control and that freaks me out sometimes. My wife I hasten to add knows Penny


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#16383 - 11/04/02 05:44 AM Re: Cross Dressing
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
hey, i just wanted to know your not alone on this. I am not really up for discussing anything at length right now, but i just wanted to let you know that feeling bad about it wont help you. Depending on what it is to you, that is how you should react to it. For me, it is a painful vice, i really havent done it since i was living with my mother, but i still fantasize about it. To me, this is all about pain and humiliation, which is why i try not to indulge in it. But for other guys, i guess they get something out of it that i dont, and they can learn to accept it. You have to decide for yourself whether its your problem or someone elses, but if something hurts, then you probably shouldnt do it. If not, then let the rest of the world deal with it, either way, guilt and shame will not help you stop OR accept it. So if they come, do your best to let it pass through you, and let it go. It is a lot easier said than done, i know. But just remember, your not alone and it doesnt have to control your life.


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#16384 - 11/04/02 01:38 PM Re: Cross Dressing
willingV Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/25/02
Posts: 4
Archnut...new here..pm'd you about my life..so won't bother you with it here..but just wanted say that thinking about all these things and dealing with them are 'at the same time' healing and 'triggering'..difficult to deal with..but necessary. Being here has 'elated me' and 'depressed me' all at the same time..things that I have buried have come back from the dead. I'll call them zombies...hopefully here we'll learn how to kill the 'zombies'. Hang in there


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#16385 - 11/04/02 01:47 PM Re: Cross Dressing
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello Again,

I am reading your book. I am nearly fiinished with it. Tough reading. You have suffered a lot. I think I will finish your book and then write you an email response.

Thanks for being here. I wish you lots of healing and serenity. Stay away from the slippery slopes and the stinkin thinkin!

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#16386 - 11/05/02 01:00 PM Re: Cross Dressing
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
for me it isnt about being gay. i have done this to punish and humiliate my self. when you dont like yourself, it is easy to do anything. the funny thing is my mind intermixed pain and pleasure, and i soon found that they were equally arousing. i still get turned on by the fantasy of wearing women's clothes, but i know that it is an addictive response, and dont allow my self to go there. the reply above stated the same concept, and i agree. if you know that it is part of the problem, then you need to steer clear. i also wanted you to know that you arent alone in this, and that i dont think that it means you are gay on its own.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#16387 - 11/05/02 04:27 PM Re: Cross Dressing
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I'm also sure it's a big part of the humiliation deal, was for me anyway.
It heightened the risk that was so much a part of acting out, in the early days it was the acting out.

I've always had this odd thought that swam around my head - "I know things that they don't" or "I've done things they haven't".
Eventually these became "I do things they dont"
X dressing was the start, acting out with others was the peak.

It was just one more step backwards to the total humiliation I apparently thought I deserved.
Oddly it's been one of the hardest things to admit to, and stop.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#16388 - 12/23/02 02:41 AM Re: Cross Dressing
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Wow, I didn't realize how widespread crossdressing was among survivors!

I'm one that managed to build something out of it that is enjoyable, and not just about humiliation (though I often have the fear of being "read" on the times I've gone into public). My fiancee is very supportive of my dressing, and claims that I allow another side of me out, when I'm dressed up.

Now, before you think I'm going to say how well-adjusted I am, I often wonder where it is all these feelings come from. And then there are the other, more troubling fantasies. Out of respect for others, I will attempt to talk about them with as little detail as possible, but please be warned that these things could still be POSSIBLY TRIGGERING!

...

I have fantasies about bondage, oral, and anal penetration. My fiancee and I have made a few forays into specialty sex shops for "toys."

Because of our communication and high level of trust with one another, my fiancee and I have been able to dabble in these areas without any major problems. But the shame and low feelings sometimes manage to bubble to the surface later.

We don't do anything that we're not willing to do. Any times I have balked on any of these fantasy play, my fiancee stopped right away, and respected my boundaries.

We even went to a sex club in San Francisco with me dressed up one time. We didn't include anyone else, and I only agreed after my fiancee's (girlfriend, at the time) insistence on how safe the atmosphere is, and how security doesn't allow anyone to do anything you don't want.

But now that my brother has given me just a little info on the "games" that I didn't remember we played as kids, I worry. I think I may see where these fantasies come from.

But I wonder, is it REALLY a problem that I enjoy any of these things, provided it is in the confines of my loving, trusting, monongamous relationship? Or should I be concerned by the very presence of these fantasies, if they are reflective of earlier abuse?

What do you think?

Jeremy

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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