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#163654 - 06/27/07 11:39 AM Re: Kids reaching puberty faster these days [Re: roadrunner]
anyway90 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/26/07
Posts: 148
I dont really know.
I am scared to talk here.
I have difficulty identifying with many people here who experience the horrible flashbacks and memories.

I have read books about repressed memories and I have no idea what they are talking about.I want so much to identify what they are talking about and make sense of it all.

I feel really bad.

Most of the things I remember,I remember them because they were all about me.All my experiences.

i watched the film Mysterious skin....and it was a really good film.Heartbreaking.
I liked the film because it was very honest.In it,the victim,Neil,actually did something sexually inappropriate at the age of ten to his peer and his best friend witnessed the disturbing event.

I feel like Neil too.

I remembered I was eight...not too sure.Is there a way to tell?

My mentally ill abuser(i am 80 percent sure...I dont know)was sleeping.And then...I went over and I just explored his private area.I remembered that I think he would be aroused or something but he just slept.

My life was changed forever.

I could remember the thoughts....Why didnt he have any response?what did i do?I felt so scared and guilty.

But being a child..I just pushed it aside.

And God being cruel...wanted me to remember.I had flashbacks at the age of 14 and I felt so goddamn guilty.

I have been to therapists and they all say for fucks sake...let it go....you didnt know better.

3 years have gone by and i feel like a zombie.With no memories and feelings.Only guilt.

What troubles me is the age...when I touched my abuser?was it 8?i think so.what if it was 10,or 11 or worse even 12?that would make me so disgusting....like a molestor...

How am i supposed to move on?I dont know.

thank you for reading about my ramblings.

I dont know if i have violated the rules by saying all these stuff but i hope i havent.


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#164000 - 06/29/07 09:43 AM Re: Kids reaching puberty faster these days [Re: anyway90]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
*****possible triggers*****

Anyway,

Could I suggest something to you? Repost this as the start for a new thread and let guys here talk to you about it. I think you are getting into territory that's really important to you, and it should be in its own thread.

For the time being I'll just comment on this:

Originally Posted By: anyway90
In it,the victim, Neil, actually did something sexually inappropriate at the age of ten to his peer and his best friend witnessed the disturbing event.

I feel like Neil too.


In that scene in Mysterious Skin where 10-year-old Neil molests the older boy who's retarded, remember what Neil says: "I know a way we can get him on our side. A grownup did this to me and it's really cool."

What does that mean? What's going on here is that Neil respects and loves Coach and doesn't understand that what happened to him was abuse. In fact, he doesn't really "get it" until he is ferociously beaten and raped at the age of 18. When he acts out with that retarded boy he thinks that what he's doing is okay; so far as he can see he's just showing someone else a good time, like Coach did to him.

The point here is that Neil is just a kid who doesn't and can't understand what happened to him. The same applies to you. You are not to blame. It was not your fault.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#164004 - 06/29/07 10:12 AM Re: Kids reaching puberty faster these days [Re: roadrunner]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Guys..
My abuse started very early...very...5 or 6 years old.

As a kid...I thought what was happenning was okay and as a result of that I tended to, at an early age, "explore" with those of my same age.

I can remember being in the woods with a friend...he told me "I wanna show you something my cousin showed me...its really cool and feels good." He raped me..but it was like me messing around with guys my same age, He really didnt think there was anything wrong with it.

Thats the way I was with other boys my own age. I thought, back then, that it was normal to have sexual contact with other guys my age and I continued to. I remember saying to them that it feels really good, but I never penetrated anyone!! Simply playing with there private parts or oral play. I look back and realise I thought this was all normal and nothing wrong with it.

However when I got older and realised that there was something wrong with it...well it kind of destroyed me in a way. I felt like my perps. I started to retract from everything...majorly depressed and guilty. I carried that guilt for a long time...a very long time.

However it wasnt till a few years ago that I realised that it was not my fault. It was my perps fault for making me beleive that was "normal". I have let it go I guess. I know when I did things with other boys that thought it was normal and there was nothing malicious about what I did. However I still live with the guilt of being another perp. These boys were not my perps, so in effect, I was screwing up other boys.

It comes down to the fact that I thought the way you showed affection or friendship with a guy was through sex. This was the only way I received it as a kid. Was it affection?...hell no..but that was the only attention I got from guys. Because of that fact (when I was younger)...everytime I got a close to a friend (boy)...if they didnt initiate a sexual experience, I did. To me it was how you show affection for another male. Totally fucked up. I stopped all that behavior a long time ago...when I was like 12. The guilt of what happenned (me being a perp to them) still is an issue today.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#164010 - 06/29/07 11:01 AM Re: Kids reaching puberty faster these days [Re: pain4ever]
anyway90 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/26/07
Posts: 148
I dunno...i think forgiveness is a very important issue.
Trust me,you cannot hold on to something that happened years ago and try to analyze whether you were wrong or not.
Its very,very painful.and it makes no sense.
Some people are worth forgiving,some people are not.
It depends...because if you choose not to forgive someone,you are saying that the mistake has cost him his life.because guilt is equivalent to that.

My perp was like 50 years old....and well I was lucky i didnt do anything to other kids because I had little contact with them.And the incident has traumatized me greatly so I guess I had only sexually acted out once.Or maybe I blocked everything out.

So now i am analyzing whether i molested my abuser....and at what age i did it so that its not considered molest....its all very painful.

Whats worse is that i am not absolutely sure i was abused...but i am 80 percent certain.

i know not all abused kids sexually act out...or maybe very few....but i learnt that it some of them actually do that..Sometimes I wonder at what age group is it alright to do that?And like.....at the age of 10 its already called molestation if you touch someone inappropriately?Doesnt that make kids who sexually act out molestors?Why do we have such a great burden?

I guess I dont understand the meaning of the word children.

I dont know...I feel no malice in anything I did too...and I am not sure why I am feeling so guilty.

I am sorry for writing that first post...because I think we are heading further and further away from the issue of abuse.I am making myself and other people seem like perps.

I am sorry for what i have done and I really need another chance.i didnt know it would be this painful.








Edited by anyway90 (06/29/07 11:28 AM)

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#164019 - 06/29/07 12:00 PM Re: Kids reaching puberty faster these days [Re: anyway90]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Anyway,

You absolutely don't need another chance, just as Brian doesn't. Both of you were doing what you knew. You were just little boys who didn't know that there was anything wrong with what had been done to you in the first place.

No, kids who act out sexually are not molesters. They are mixed up frightened kids who needs lots of love, lots of safe attention, and lots of help to see that there's a better healthier way.

It's painful to see you writing that you don't understand the meaning of the word "children". That reminds me of a psychological assessment I had two years ago. The T asked me, "And Larry, how would you describe your childhood?" The question stunned me at first. Then I broke down in tears and said, "I didn't have one."

You aren't alone, bro. And the most important thing you share with the rest of us is your innocence.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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