Newest Members
DT, kk90, Austintexan, Cancan, LS
12257 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
ByondClosedDoors (41), Dave1425 (32), DeafDavid (23), LowSky (57)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 26 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12257 Members
73 Forums
63122 Topics
441411 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#161934 - 06/16/07 09:02 PM He's trying, but he's not communicating
weepywife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/22/06
Posts: 57
My husband is trying. He is going to therapy. He is really trying to heal. However, he is not communicating with me at all about his healing process. His biggest trigger is talking to me about anything. This is very frustrating for me. It is not like I want to talk about the details of the abuse or even that I want to talk about his healing all the time. I try to let it go and we act as if everything is normal. We go about out lives ignoring the fact that we have absolutely no intimacy and he is in pain. Then after about 2-4 weeks (or even months)I can't handle it anymore. I go to him and say we need to talk. Sometimes I will just want to know if he is feeling any better. One time I told him that I wanted to have a family. Another time I told him that I don't trust his family. Sometimes I have to tell him how frustrated I am by this. One time I needed to know if he was thinking about leaving me. Each time I initiate any conversation with him (about our relationship/abuse)....he hates it. He gets visibly upset. It is his biggest trigger. But it helps me to know what is going on.

I feel like the only way we are going to get through this is if we communicate and work on our problems. Don't I deserve to have some idea of what is going on in his brain? I guess I am getting really frustrated by all of this. It has been going on for over 2 years. I feel like the lack of communication is a bad sign for us. I miss intimacy. I am ready to start a family. I know that is a lot of pressure for him. He feels like he is ruining my life. I am trying to not make him feel that way. But at 29, I will have regrets if I never am intimate again or never have a family. This stinks!!!!!

Any input would be appreciated
WW


Top
#161945 - 06/16/07 10:39 PM Re: He's trying, but he's not communicating [Re: weepywife]
want2help Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 25
Loc: WV
WW...I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time with communication. I hope it's some comfort that he's in counseling at such a young age. We are in our 40's and my friend has talked about individual therapy but doesn't trust them. So, knowing that your husband is a step ahead of many is encouraging.

If you have a personal relationship with God, I've found the book 'The Power of a Praying Wife' helpful in the past. I can't say that we're any closer to resolving our issues but reading it enabled me to see things through a different eyes and learn to let go of trying to make things happen. I think one of our biggest obstacles in communication is men want to be in control and talking about their feelings leaves them very vulnerable.

I'm sorry I'm not more help, I wish I had the right answers, if you see my post, you'll know that I'm out there not doing things right but I do believe that God is in control and a better future awaits.

W2H


Top
#162006 - 06/17/07 03:23 PM Re: He's trying, but he's not communicating [Re: want2help]
rumpole1954 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Orlando, FL
WW, your 'we need to talk" comment struck a nerve. I have a hard time communicating too, some of this stuff is excruciatingly difficult and embarrassing to talk about for me, made even worse by the impact it has on Katie. I wrote about this in another thread, here's the link below. Maybe your H has some of the same stuff going on, so I thought I would pass this along to you, in case it might be helpful to you.

Take care,
Rob

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post152524


Top
#162016 - 06/17/07 05:07 PM Re: He's trying, but he's not communicating [Re: rumpole1954]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
he's communicating by not communicating

patience - he needs time - and it's his to decide

that measure -

truly - be flexible - know that he is totally separate -

and is so confused -

he is in a sense - a single again - reconciling this for himself

and then having to tell you - his partner -

it's like a double interpretation -

give him space ok?

peace

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#162017 - 06/17/07 05:08 PM Re: He's trying, but he's not communicating [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
meditate on what you can - send white light to him

or knit -

a lot of people like that repetetive motion thing -

it's really soothing apparently -

you just have to give him althe space - to deal

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#162018 - 06/17/07 05:10 PM Re: He's trying, but he's not communicating [Re: markgreyblue]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
he knows you are concerned -

and so - any pressure - in fact might disrupt the process

y'know?

- peace - and find your own coping mechanism -

though he is one going through this you are also two going through this -

support to you

knitting - reading -

cookies - what have you -

peace

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



Top
#162090 - 06/18/07 05:46 AM Re: He's trying, but he's not communicating *DELETED* [Re: markgreyblue]
soapy bubbles Offline
Member

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
Post deleted by soapy bubbles

_________________________
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

Top
#162516 - 06/20/07 04:51 PM Re: He's trying, but he's not communicating [Re: soapy bubbles]
emptydreamer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
It is as if you are my wife, writing about me! This lack of ability to share even the most basic of emotional issues is so common in cases like ours. While I can't say how he feels, I can tell you some of what I feel. For one thing, I have NEVER shared anything real, or even close to emotional with anyone. That would even include myself. I learned at a very young age to keep things hidden, from everyone, and from me. It is the way our young minds deal with the trauma we are going through. It is by far the biggest issue for me other than the lingering anger. It also feels like since I have never shared, I'm like a book with 1,000 pages. For me to even think about starting to share, I feel like if I just start, it would be like having someone start reading the book at page 800 with no knowledge of what has taken place in the first 799 pages. The thought of trying to go back to the beginning, and explain, so that what is going on today would make any sense, is overwhelming. I praise you for sticking with it, and for trying to be there for him. I think my wife is a real warrior to have put up with me this long. Try not to pressure him, that only makes it worse. While I can understand you needing to pressure, it will only lock the doors to his feelings and emotions even tighter. Please try to be understanding, as hard as that is, it is what he needs the most. As he continues to work on the issues the abuse caused, your understanding is what he needs most. I know it is hard, very hard, and sometimes I wonder why my wife is still around. I have to keep telling myself it's because she loves me. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. Best wishes and warmest regards.
Scott

_________________________
I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.

Top
#162778 - 06/22/07 12:09 AM Re: He's trying, but he's not communicating [Re: emptydreamer]
MaireLionheart Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/29/07
Posts: 7
Loc: east coast
Hi WW,

I am very new here but also a spouse of a survivor. I am also going through the newness and uncertainty of this recovery process with him.

Do you have someone you can talk to and vent with that is not your husband about this? It has helped me to be able to talk to one close friend about my fears...to pinpoint WHY my husband's poor communication with me is such an irritant..and it has to do with ME. My fears, my fears of losing him as my partner, my fears for our family's stability, these fears are rooted in my own abandonment issue and I own them. It doesn't make my husband's behavior (some of the time) acceptable, but right now I see that he is unable to help me feel better because this is such a huge painful issue for him.

Right now I have told myself that the "normal" way our marriage has progressed has to be re-assessed- he is going through some major recovery/memories/emotions, and the landscape of our relationship has also changed. Yes, it's SCARY!!!

While we used to be able to discuss my feelings more, right now I cannot count on my husband to be supportive and understanding of how I feel, and I'm actually getting OK with that. Of course, my feelings are VALID and necessary, but it is helping him and me to not bring these feelings to HIM - to vent these to my close friend or my therapist.

I guess what I am trying to share is that you are entitled to your feelings, but while your husband is going through this he may not be able to actually validate your feelings in the way you need. You may need another support system for YOU. You deserve that, and that will help you be strong for your husband.

If you aren't in therapy on your own, you could do that, or confide in a trusted friend.

I will be thinking VERY positive thoughts for you...

_________________________
Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.