Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
MADcHATTER (54), Ready2MoveOn (44)
Who's Online
1 registered (GummyBear), 29 Guests and 8 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63789 Topics
445460 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#162624 - 06/21/07 10:44 AM whats bothering me the most
Hunter18 Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/21/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Wildwood
guess whats bothering me the most is the fact that he just doesnt seem to care. my dad i mean. i dont want any sympathy or anyone saying their sorry or anything like that, i dont want to be treated any different even though i guess i am different. i just want him to be able to look me in the eyes again and talk to me like a normal person like we used to. i try to be who he wants me to be but it doesn't make any difference, he still hates me. i dont know what i can do to change that.

_________________________
Sometimes in the morning, when it's a good surf, I go out there, and I don't feel like it's a bad world."

Top
#162628 - 06/21/07 11:08 AM Re: whats bothering me the most [Re: Hunter18]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hey, Hunter --

Welcome to the board--the people here have been amazingly supportive for me.

I'm sorry you're going through that with your Dad. Is this change in him something that happened recently? Do you think he'll come to be more accepting over time? Or was it a problem that was always there?

You seem to be very clear on what you want from him--I hope you get it. I don't know if "being who he wants you to be" is the answer, though, if it means you're not being yourself.

Maybe you can't change the situation right now, just keep the door open for later, if that's what you want. And if he's hurting you, then above all, keep yourself safe. I know everybody says this, but it's true: what happened wasn't your fault, and you don't deserve for anyone to blame you.

David


Top
#162631 - 06/21/07 11:19 AM Re: whats bothering me the most [Re: MemoryVault]
Hunter18 Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/21/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Wildwood
hi david, thanks. it all started at the hospital, before i got out we were meeting with counselors and they had both my mom and dad come in so i could tell them how i felt, i did and he just exploded, started yelling and screaming at me - "how could you let this happen, how can you be so stupid, you were just asking for it, you should have known better then to walk that street so late, how stupid can you be, thank god i have one son with brains, you're an embarrasement to this family" my mom screamed at him for saying those things. it was awful. i feel like the whole thing was my fault, i feel like i hurt my family, ever since then he treats me like crap, him and my mom fight all the time and i know its over me, my older brother moved out because he couldnt stand it anymore, i miss him, hes the only i could talk to, he knew about his friend messing around with me and he took care of that for me, we never told, it just hurts, i want things to be normal again \:\(

_________________________
Sometimes in the morning, when it's a good surf, I go out there, and I don't feel like it's a bad world."

Top
#162637 - 06/21/07 11:45 AM Re: whats bothering me the most [Re: Hunter18]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hey, Hunter --

Wow. I'm so sorry about that.

I'm picturing your father saying those things, and part of you wants to defend yourself and say, "No, it wasn't my fault!" But part of you is listening to him because...well, he's your father.

It's not your fault you were abused by your brother's friend, or were on the wrong street at the wrong time.
It's not your fault that your father couldn't handle what happened.
It's not your fault that he's attacking you, your mother is defending you, and they're fighting.
It's not your fault your brother moved out.

You're in a tough situation--it really hurts. You probably can't stop it from hurting, but you don't have to take the blame for it. That belongs to the guy who abused you, and to the people who reacted badly.

David


Top
#162645 - 06/21/07 12:03 PM Re: whats bothering me the most [Re: MemoryVault]
Hunter18 Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/21/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Wildwood
with dad its just easier to go along with him and say ok it was all my fault you're right i'm an idiot. no fighting that way.

_________________________
Sometimes in the morning, when it's a good surf, I go out there, and I don't feel like it's a bad world."

Top
#162653 - 06/21/07 01:20 PM Re: whats bothering me the most [Re: Hunter18]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
I think your Dad sees it as a reflection of possibly some sort of failure on his part.
Don't worry about it too much. Mom's wisdom will get to him and he will sing a different tune someday.


Top
#162663 - 06/21/07 02:03 PM Re: whats bothering me the most [Re: Rambler]
Hunter18 Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/21/07
Posts: 25
Loc: Wildwood
how do i not worry about it when he hurts my family and it's all my fault?

_________________________
Sometimes in the morning, when it's a good surf, I go out there, and I don't feel like it's a bad world."

Top
#162668 - 06/21/07 02:22 PM Re: whats bothering me the most [Re: Hunter18]
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
It's not your fault Hunter. He's responsible for his own actions not you.

J


Top
#162669 - 06/21/07 02:22 PM Re: whats bothering me the most [Re: Rambler]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Hunter,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. It's always bad when you've been abused and then it happens all over again. Your father sounds like he's raging at the world more than at you, though sure, I know it hurts for him to talk to you this way. I hope he will come around soon and begin to provide you with the support you need.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#162681 - 06/21/07 03:50 PM Re: whats bothering me the most [Re: roadrunner]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hunter --

I hear you. It's very normal to think you're to blame. But think about what's actually in your control. You don't have the power to make your father hurt your family, or to stop him. Angry people seem to be angry no matter what--they find a reason to be angry. He may be focusing his anger on you, but that doesn't mean you caused it. It's like getting soaked in a storm--you didn't make it rain. Even if it isn't safe to stand up for yourself to him openly, you don't have to believe it's your fault. I'm sure all the guys here have their own stories about blaming themselves and learning to let that feeling go (I know I do).

David


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.