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#162538 - 06/20/07 10:29 PM Physical Trauma
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
Hi,

I am new to this forum. English is not my mother tongue so please bear with me my poor English. I was victim of my parent's ignorance of proper medical treatment: my eyes, teeth and immune system were affected, but one thing that affected me most as a male is that the development of one of my testicle is affected. I knew this from my family doctor and I never told my family or friends about this as I am not sure of the consequence. I am ashame of this and afraid of having sex with female. I did refuse to have sex with girls just because of my insecurity. I thought my lack of one functional testicle may affect my marriage, chance of having kids, and self-esteem. And being a single, good looking, 35 year old, artsy and well-off guy, most of my friends think that I am gay. I do fancy naked girls, boobs, etc. To control my sexual desire, I resort to masturbation. Sometimes, I go to gay websites as well as it was kind of exciting to me. And I feel that if I am gay I no longer have to worry about my (maybe) inability of having kids. I was confused of my sexual orientation and did think of having sex with guys instead.

Few months ago, depression came over me and I left a decent and well-off job. The main reason was because of the fact that I would like to leave my parents and live overseas. Living with my parents reminded me of what they have done to me in the name of love.

The same day I resigned, I went partying with one of my colleague. He's married and so I was kind of assured that he is "safe". I had a couple of scotch, watched dvds, and went to bed in his home. In the morning I realized that I was naked and he told me at my side saying that I was hot. I wasn't sure what had happened. I tried to recall what had happened, but I was in vain. I left immediately and started a new job the same day. He called me a few times afterwards but I could not answer the calls. Waited for a few months, I had blood test and was glad to know that I did not contract HIV or other STI. I went to consult psychotherapist, but I could not tell the truth. I kept thinking that he might have taken photos or videos when I was naked and so I finally called him and asked. I was also worried that I might have fucked him as I had hallucination that I saw my ex-girl friend who I refused to have sex with. I am sure I was not fucked in my ass as I did not feel pain anywhere at all. He said he was divorced recently and was lonely. He did not know what he was doing. He claimed that he did not record anything, and all he did was that he fondled my genitals, helped me masturbate and hugged me while we were both naked. He also said that I was hot when I masturbated myself in front of him. I felt empathy of his loneliness and I told him I forgive him and all I asked for was that we would not tell anyone about this. He asked if we could still be friends. I did not answer him directly but told him that I was leaving the country and had a new job overseas.

Am I gay? I must say I am very upset of what had happened, but in the same time, being an OCD, I am glad to know that I broke the rules I set to myself, felt freedom again.

I had nightmare ever since and felt that I did a terrible mistake in my life. I locked myself at home and stopped socializing with people. I fear that one day I see my naked photos or videos in the Internet.

I would like to have a wife, and kids. I do not want to see myself like this any more. I was cheerful, out-going, confident guy. I like socializing with people. My jobs' nature is to help the community and locking myself at home prevent me from my passion in helping others.

Any thought? What am I to do next? I thought of going to a sperm donor program to check if my sperm count is alright, but I worry what if I was told I cannot have kids? Will this aggravate my thought that trauma cannot be overcome? And push me to become gay? What if I was told I am healthy and be able to have kids? Shall I tell my wife (if I am so lucky to have one in my future) what had happen?

I am lost. I am glad to find this forum and I am looking forward to hearing from you.


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#162680 - 06/21/07 03:33 PM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi msurvivor, I am one of the straight guys on here. To me it sounds like you are straight. I think if I was you I would go see my family doctor, and ask for a test to see if your sperm are functioning normally. It is my understanding that you only need one working testicle.
(I am ashamed of this and afraid of having sex with female. I did refuse to have sex with girls just because of my insecurity. I thought my lack of one functional testicle may affect my marriage, chance of having kids, and self-esteem.) Because you have conditioned your self so much you man need to see a therapist about this.

About your friend, No lets call him your ex-friend, a friend would not have behaved in that manner, he is not your friend. I don't know if he is gay or bisexual, but taking advantage of you while you were intoxicated is not being a friend. Some people are easily manipulated while intoxicated, so try not to worry to much about what happened then.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#162704 - 06/21/07 07:26 PM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: lostcowboy]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
Hi Clifford,

Thanks for your message. But one thing I don't quite understand is that he could have fucked my ass if he wanted to and nothing that serious happened. So, I am kind of believing what he told me about his uncertainty of what he did. I feel guilty of making him misunderstood that... Well, I have not contacted this person since last December before I left my home country. He told me he was upset as I felt that he took advantage of me while I was intoxicated as he said I asked for that. I told him that I might have had hallucination of having sex with my ex-girlfriend. I am trying to think that this was the biggest joke of my life. Yet, the more I distance this person, the more I feel insecure of what would happen: nude photo/video in the Internet or something worse that I am not yet aware of...

I actually told one of my best friends (a girl) and my younger brother about this (They don't know my testicle issue, though). Knowing that I was upset of what had happened, like you guys, they are very supportive. However, being an OCD, I find it really hard to forgive myself... as I was used to rules, etc... and I am bad at keeping secret... tried to be as honest as I can, I find this a task to hide for the rest of my life. I feel like talking about this openly at least I can feel better (even though I am aware that I might become prey).

I have been thinking about this for months... tired, very tired... I had nightmare. All I remember was that I screamed with fear... sounds ridiculous for someone of my age...

Please help.


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#162794 - 06/22/07 03:04 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi msurvivor, Try to not beat yourself up so much. If I understand you, your main interest is girls, but due to your insecurities about your physical condition, you have not had sex with girls, you are now 35 years old and are aware that time has been passing. If you are like me, you think that sex starts with touching? So you are also very likely to be touch starved. Maybe you told him that, and he misunderstood what you wanted or needed.

Let's talk about alcohol, you said you had a couple of drinks, to me that means between two and four drinks. You should have had clear memories of what happened, But you don't. That tells me that you ether had a lot more to drink, 10+ drinks, or something was added to your drink. When I was in the us navy, my drinking got so bad that I was having blackouts, so I know it takes a lot of drink to get in that condition. If he was matching you drink for drink, I would think that his memory would be as bad as yours, and yet he was able to tell you all about it.

It could be that you both had a lot to drink, and misunderstood each other. Guys are conditioned growing up to only think of touch as being sexual touch, however girls are taught both sexual and nonsexual touch. Which is why guys can get confused when girls touch us. Also girls like to communicate non-verbally, but most guys get about half of it, and some guys like myself get much less than that. Being that you have stayed away from girls, you are probably in the same boat as me. Is your girl(best friend) single and available? If so you may want to talk to her some more your problem, let her know that you are interested in girls, but due to you always staying away from them, you are very insecure around them. Ask if it would be alright for you to do some practice dating with her, or one or two of her single friends. This web site may be of some help, http://www.love-shy.com/ There is a free book on that site, that talks about guy's that are love-shy the author feels that this is a condition from birth, and while he feels that you will always be shy, it can be over come by practice dating. A book on dating that I like is Smart Dating by Donald Black. It is hard for me to know for sure, but I feel that I am a love-shy male, who was also raped when he was 11, when I was 11 my mother also got divorced from my dad and married a step dad from hell. So I have all that to try to work through. I did manage to get married, but there are problems in the relationship.

"I feel like talking about this openly at least I can feel better (even though I am aware that I might become prey). "
It is good to talk about things in the open, if you ever get the feeling that someone is preying on you or trying to go where they should not on this site, do bring it to a Mod's attention!

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#162795 - 06/22/07 03:47 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: lostcowboy]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
Thank you for your note. One thing I did not mention is that I was in depression and I took some anti-depressant pills before meeting him up for partying... I used to drink a lot and so I believed that my hallucination might have come from the fact that I drunk while I was in medication (anti-depressant)... and that's why I felt so guilty... I victimized myself... and tried to find fault of others about what had happened.


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#162796 - 06/22/07 03:54 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
And I must say knowing that you guys survived from your experience, I felt that what happened to me is not a big deal. From a different point of view may help me orient my sexuality better: At least now I am pretty sure that I am not gay and I do want a family yet feel helpless at times that I cannot sleep...


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#162826 - 06/22/07 09:16 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
msurvivor,

I am glad you have found this place...it is an amazing resource for us survivors. However I wanted to make a comment about you saying "And I must say knowing that you guys survived from your experience, I felt that what happened to me is not a big deal."

Dont compare abuse...no matter what happened or how many times, it has the same devistating effect. A person who has been abused repeatedly and a person who has been abused once will have the same issues. Do not down play your abuse. What happenned to you is wrong and you did nothing wrong.

Thanks,
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#162938 - 06/22/07 07:59 PM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: pain4ever]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
Pain4ever,

Thanx for your message. I know I am still depressed, outraged, upset about what had happened. I do however cannot stay away from the thought that I did make a mistake. I am an adult, man! I know I should not downplay my issue, but what could I do. Sorry that if I offend anyone. I still lock myself in my home... canned food for months already... one thing I am glad is that I do not have to ring home to friends to talk about some sidetrack stories to relieve my uneasiness... as I've found this place. I lost quite a few friends already for calling them up and talked about nothing for months, they suspected something is wrong and I could not talk about that.. My supervisor is concerned that I was not in ANY event at all as my job is to work for community... and he also started to suspect something must have happened. Going to church made me feel relieved at times, however, the more I go and the more I learn about the holiness of Jesus, etc, the more I felt guilty of being a sinful person.


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#163233 - 06/25/07 08:33 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
MSurvivor...

You did nothing wrong...nothing to be guilty about. You were taken advantage of. You did not offend anyone I am sure!

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#163424 - 06/26/07 04:25 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: pain4ever]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
One thing I don't understand is that if his intention was to abuse and take advantage of me. Why didn't he fuck me in the ass? I mean he could have done that as I was drunk and unconscious anyway... so I thought I might have asked for sex when I was drunk and he simply tried to help out (?/!) or I might have given him consent to do so... sick am I?


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#163435 - 06/26/07 08:22 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
MS...

You dont have to be penetrated to be abused. That is apparently not what he wanted. That does not mean it wasnt abuse...there was just no penetration.

and NO you are not sick at all.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#165025 - 07/06/07 12:06 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: pain4ever]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
I am kind of confused. I mean if I am not to play down the abuse issue, how am I to start the journey of healing? I have no idea how to... please advise.


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#165042 - 07/06/07 12:59 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
In my opinion...

Playing down is also called minimizing. By making the abuse less than what it was, you are denying what happened to some extent, and thereby repressing it.

What is repressed can not be processed and eventually healed.


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#165059 - 07/06/07 04:50 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: Dewey2k]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
so what am i supposed to do then?


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#165069 - 07/06/07 08:11 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
msurvivor,

If you view what happened to you as abuse, then it was. Period. Ignoring it won't make it go away, trust me.

I think you are doing what you should do; getting it out, telling your story and getting help. I doubt any of us could deal with this all by ourselves, which is why this website is here.

These 'dirty little secrets' fester and grow in the darkness. Bringing them out into the light doesn't make them go away, but it does weaken the powerful hold they have on us, and hopefully gives us the strength to deal with them in a healthy way.

I'm the last person to give advice, so take this for what it's worth to you; these careing, wonderful people want to help and they can help, if you'll let them.

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#165072 - 07/06/07 08:40 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
No, msurvivor, you are not sick! I think maybe you are starved for affection. Drinking lowers inhibitions, and the combination of alcohol and anti-depressants can do weird things to people. Perhaps he misinterpreted your desire for affection as a desire for sex. In any case, it is obvious that he took advantage of you when you were in no condition to refuse. Just because he didn't "go all the way" doesn't make it any less abusive.

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#165094 - 07/06/07 12:12 PM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: Lazarus]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
M,

For me, counseling has played a vital part of my recovery. It's not for everyone, though: some people have had good experience with counseling (as I have), and others have had bad experiences.

The only way to find out of it is right for you is to try it.

For your physical issues, it would seem that seeing a doctor and getting a complete workup would be best. If there are issues with your health, ignoring them won't make them go away.


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#165342 - 07/08/07 03:53 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
msurvivor,

Originally Posted By: msurvivor
I am kind of confused. I mean if I am not to play down the abuse issue, how am I to start the journey of healing? I have no idea how to... please advise.


In order to heal we have to face the way things really are. That in turn means we have to acknowledge our feelings and allow ourselves to "own" them. That's often very difficult because survivors have for so long suppressed their feelings and told themselves that how they feel and what they need doesn't matter. As we move away from denial and allow ourselves to feel again, those feelings tell us about areas where we need to do some work. Many survivors fell worthless, for example, or are unable to trust due to what happened to them as boys.

I personally think professional therapy is the way to go; the T will help and guide us so we suffer as little new pain and trauma as possible. There are different approaches to therapy and Ts are of course individuals with different personalities, so finding the T who's right for you may take some time.

I so agree with Dwayne where your physical issues are concerned. You have a lot of worries about testicles and your ability to father children, and that's the kind of thing you need to see a doctor about. That may distress you, but this really is the way to deal with this aspect of things.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#165755 - 07/10/07 03:20 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: roadrunner]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
as you know from my message, i have left my country. i feel that i am not ready to go back because of the trauma i had. and yet, i feel like to reconciliate with the one who might have abused me (well, as you know, I might have given him false indications...). please advise. well, thank to all who contribute, i feel far better now. i've told my best friend the story and i was supported wholeheartedly.


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#165879 - 07/10/07 04:04 PM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
ms,

Please don't think that you HAVE to reconciliate with the person who abused you. To my way of thinking, the only one you should be reconciliating with would be yourself. It wasn't your fault, you were taken advantage of.

I agree that a good T is essential to learning how to deal with this. Once you learn some new tools it becomes easier but it doesn't happen overnight.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#165935 - 07/10/07 11:00 PM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: Stephen_5]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
I have OCD and kind of control freak. Since I tried to perfect in things, I had difficulty in forgiving my parents, and so I felt that I wanted to incriminate myself so as to be not as perfect. Once in chat room of MS, I was told even masturbating in front of another guy when one's drunk is no big deal... I am kind of find this difficult to accept...


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#165936 - 07/10/07 11:03 PM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
I always had a feeling that I need to have a mistake... a big one to make myself feel useless and not as perfect so as to be able to understand how people who made mistakes feel... and be able to forgive them.


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#165989 - 07/11/07 10:16 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
msurvivor,

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time trying to understand your feelings. The confusion and distress you are experiencing sounds very powerful indeed.

One thing we here at malesurvivor like to do is stay away from trying to assign meaning to another persons emotions and experiences. It is better if we try to provide as many options as we can, and let you make the decision on your own. Making the decision for ourselves and experiencing/facing the outcome is how we gain confidence. Asking for guidance is a very wise and often essential step in making those decisions.

Originally Posted By: msurvivor
I always had a feeling that I need to have a mistake... a big one to make myself feel useless and not as perfect so as to be able to understand how people who made mistakes feel... and be able to forgive them.

This sounds like you are saying that you are trying to find forgiveness within yourself. You mention being somewhat of a perfectionist. Perfectionists often have trouble forgiving themselves for being imperfect. Is that something you are afraid of? Being imperfect? I hate to have to tell you this but we are all imperfect whether we want to be or not. You can view this as a curse or as a blessing, but I think you will find that one will leave you full of darkness and fear, while the other is full of enlightenment and freedom. It's your choice to make.

Others here may disagree with me on this next one, but I think some of the answers you are looking for might require you to re-connect with this friend who "took advantage of you". I can't help but think that it sounds like you are running away from what this connection may have meant to you (or at least trying very hard to "push" it away). I don't want to add to your confusion about anything but it doesn't sound like he had the intention of hurting you terribly. Sure, it DOES sound like his decisions and motives were a bit selfish, but the fact that he has tried to re-connect with you in a responsible and mature way suggests that he is sincere.

Are you afraid that seeing this friend again may lead to another regretful event? If so, you might want to try setting up some boundaries. If he respects you, he will respect those boundaries.

On the other hand, if you feel that you cannot trust him then that is another story. If this is the case then contacting him could potentially be harmful to you.

Please forgive me if I sound presumptuous or just plain wrong in my understanding of your posts, I know very little about you. You no doubt have a great deal to think about. Try to give yourself a break every now and then from all these questions. Patience will do you a world of good in all this.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#166211 - 07/12/07 08:10 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: cbfull]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
After weeks of locking up in my room eating canned food, I am not sure why but finally I felt relieved. Yes, patience do me a world of good in all this. I slept better these days and I don't think as much as I was and believed that this guy did not record anything as I believe if he did, the record would be the evidence of his wrong doing. Secondly, I understand why I was so perfectionist as I understand how a mistake can ruin or affect people's life, like how my parents' mistake result in my permanent physical damage. And I also understand why I kept thinking that I needed a mistake in my life for the last 10 years, as I really do like to forgive my parents. And I thought the only way is to make a mistake in life and understand why my parent made their own. And I understand now why happiness and bliss make me feel insecure, why I send my girls away, why I left a decent job. All these was not only because of my insecurity and fear, but because I felt that not being able to forgive my parents make me a worthless person who did not deserve. After all, I felt that this abuse was a trigger for me to rethink my life and help me to reorient. I am not saying abuse is good. But yet, I got to know better my sexual orientation and the meaning of life. I really like to thank all for your contribution.


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#171007 - 08/04/07 07:44 PM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
MS,
Hello and welcome. I am also new, but I am gay. Sex under the influence without recall is non consensual and does sound like abuse. Brian is correct, do not compare. You are and were traumatized by the experience. I also think you are very hard on yourself. Remember we are human and we are not perfect.

Only you can sort out your sexual identity. I once wanted a wife and children too but it was more to hide my hidden attractions and to appear to fit in and look normal. As the saying goes..."Be careful what you wish for". I hope you find enough support and encouragment here and also get a competant supportive therapist to trust and confide in.
You sound like a wonderful human being regardless of your sexuality. Your English is excellent and you are very clear. Love yourself, trust yourself and forgive yourself. Be well, be safe.
Peace,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#172001 - 08/08/07 07:05 PM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: Danbuff]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
I never thought it is so difficult to forgive myself as I don't have such a difficulty with people who hurt me... this sounds really vulnerable. To certain extent, I felt that I grew up a lot ever since last year's heart-breaking experience. I forced myself to leave a decent job, friends, family. And betrayed by my own subconsciousness, abused and now trying to live life again. Age doesn't leave that much of mark on my face or body, but my soul. Recovering, I am. I try to think this way. Now thinking to take a long vacation in November for a few month, away from work, re-network people in an overland trip. Hopefully, by then I get better.


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