I have OCD and kind of control freak. Since I tried to perfect in things, I had difficulty in forgiving my parents, and so I felt that I wanted to incriminate myself so as to be not as perfect. Once in chat room of MS, I was told even masturbating in front of another guy when one's drunk is no big deal... I am kind of find this difficult to accept...

I always had a feeling that I need to have a mistake... a big one to make myself feel useless and not as perfect so as to be able to understand how people who made mistakes feel... and be able to forgive them.

msurvivor,

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time trying to understand your feelings. The confusion and distress you are experiencing sounds very powerful indeed.

One thing we here at malesurvivor like to do is stay away from trying to assign meaning to another persons emotions and experiences. It is better if we try to provide as many options as we can, and let you make the decision on your own. Making the decision for ourselves and experiencing/facing the outcome is how we gain confidence. Asking for guidance is a very wise and often essential step in making those decisions.


This sounds like you are saying that you are trying to find forgiveness within yourself. You mention being somewhat of a perfectionist. Perfectionists often have trouble forgiving themselves for being imperfect. Is that something you are afraid of? Being imperfect? I hate to have to tell you this but we are all imperfect whether we want to be or not. You can view this as a curse or as a blessing, but I think you will find that one will leave you full of darkness and fear, while the other is full of enlightenment and freedom. It's your choice to make.

Others here may disagree with me on this next one, but I think some of the answers you are looking for might require you to re-connect with this friend who "took advantage of you". I can't help but think that it sounds like you are running away from what this connection may have meant to you (or at least trying very hard to "push" it away). I don't want to add to your confusion about anything but it doesn't sound like he had the intention of hurting you terribly. Sure, it DOES sound like his decisions and motives were a bit selfish, but the fact that he has tried to re-connect with you in a responsible and mature way suggests that he is sincere.

Are you afraid that seeing this friend again may lead to another regretful event? If so, you might want to try setting up some boundaries. If he respects you, he will respect those boundaries.

On the other hand, if you feel that you cannot trust him then that is another story. If this is the case then contacting him could potentially be harmful to you.

Please forgive me if I sound presumptuous or just plain wrong in my understanding of your posts, I know very little about you. You no doubt have a great deal to think about. Try to give yourself a break every now and then from all these questions. Patience will do you a world of good in all this.

After weeks of locking up in my room eating canned food, I am not sure why but finally I felt relieved. Yes, patience do me a world of good in all this. I slept better these days and I don't think as much as I was and believed that this guy did not record anything as I believe if he did, the record would be the evidence of his wrong doing. Secondly, I understand why I was so perfectionist as I understand how a mistake can ruin or affect people's life, like how my parents' mistake result in my permanent physical damage. And I also understand why I kept thinking that I needed a mistake in my life for the last 10 years, as I really do like to forgive my parents. And I thought the only way is to make a mistake in life and understand why my parent made their own. And I understand now why happiness and bliss make me feel insecure, why I send my girls away, why I left a decent job. All these was not only because of my insecurity and fear, but because I felt that not being able to forgive my parents make me a worthless person who did not deserve. After all, I felt that this abuse was a trigger for me to rethink my life and help me to reorient. I am not saying abuse is good. But yet, I got to know better my sexual orientation and the meaning of life. I really like to thank all for your contribution.

MS,
Hello and welcome. I am also new, but I am gay. Sex under the influence without recall is non consensual and does sound like abuse. Brian is correct, do not compare. You are and were traumatized by the experience. I also think you are very hard on yourself. Remember we are human and we are not perfect.

Only you can sort out your sexual identity. I once wanted a wife and children too but it was more to hide my hidden attractions and to appear to fit in and look normal. As the saying goes..."Be careful what you wish for". I hope you find enough support and encouragment here and also get a competant supportive therapist to trust and confide in.
You sound like a wonderful human being regardless of your sexuality. Your English is excellent and you are very clear. Love yourself, trust yourself and forgive yourself. Be well, be safe.
Peace,
Dan

I never thought it is so difficult to forgive myself as I don't have such a difficulty with people who hurt me... this sounds really vulnerable. To certain extent, I felt that I grew up a lot ever since last year's heart-breaking experience. I forced myself to leave a decent job, friends, family. And betrayed by my own subconsciousness, abused and now trying to live life again. Age doesn't leave that much of mark on my face or body, but my soul. Recovering, I am. I try to think this way. Now thinking to take a long vacation in November for a few month, away from work, re-network people in an overland trip. Hopefully, by then I get better.