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#162538 - 06/20/07 10:29 PM Physical Trauma
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
Hi,

I am new to this forum. English is not my mother tongue so please bear with me my poor English. I was victim of my parent's ignorance of proper medical treatment: my eyes, teeth and immune system were affected, but one thing that affected me most as a male is that the development of one of my testicle is affected. I knew this from my family doctor and I never told my family or friends about this as I am not sure of the consequence. I am ashame of this and afraid of having sex with female. I did refuse to have sex with girls just because of my insecurity. I thought my lack of one functional testicle may affect my marriage, chance of having kids, and self-esteem. And being a single, good looking, 35 year old, artsy and well-off guy, most of my friends think that I am gay. I do fancy naked girls, boobs, etc. To control my sexual desire, I resort to masturbation. Sometimes, I go to gay websites as well as it was kind of exciting to me. And I feel that if I am gay I no longer have to worry about my (maybe) inability of having kids. I was confused of my sexual orientation and did think of having sex with guys instead.

Few months ago, depression came over me and I left a decent and well-off job. The main reason was because of the fact that I would like to leave my parents and live overseas. Living with my parents reminded me of what they have done to me in the name of love.

The same day I resigned, I went partying with one of my colleague. He's married and so I was kind of assured that he is "safe". I had a couple of scotch, watched dvds, and went to bed in his home. In the morning I realized that I was naked and he told me at my side saying that I was hot. I wasn't sure what had happened. I tried to recall what had happened, but I was in vain. I left immediately and started a new job the same day. He called me a few times afterwards but I could not answer the calls. Waited for a few months, I had blood test and was glad to know that I did not contract HIV or other STI. I went to consult psychotherapist, but I could not tell the truth. I kept thinking that he might have taken photos or videos when I was naked and so I finally called him and asked. I was also worried that I might have fucked him as I had hallucination that I saw my ex-girl friend who I refused to have sex with. I am sure I was not fucked in my ass as I did not feel pain anywhere at all. He said he was divorced recently and was lonely. He did not know what he was doing. He claimed that he did not record anything, and all he did was that he fondled my genitals, helped me masturbate and hugged me while we were both naked. He also said that I was hot when I masturbated myself in front of him. I felt empathy of his loneliness and I told him I forgive him and all I asked for was that we would not tell anyone about this. He asked if we could still be friends. I did not answer him directly but told him that I was leaving the country and had a new job overseas.

Am I gay? I must say I am very upset of what had happened, but in the same time, being an OCD, I am glad to know that I broke the rules I set to myself, felt freedom again.

I had nightmare ever since and felt that I did a terrible mistake in my life. I locked myself at home and stopped socializing with people. I fear that one day I see my naked photos or videos in the Internet.

I would like to have a wife, and kids. I do not want to see myself like this any more. I was cheerful, out-going, confident guy. I like socializing with people. My jobs' nature is to help the community and locking myself at home prevent me from my passion in helping others.

Any thought? What am I to do next? I thought of going to a sperm donor program to check if my sperm count is alright, but I worry what if I was told I cannot have kids? Will this aggravate my thought that trauma cannot be overcome? And push me to become gay? What if I was told I am healthy and be able to have kids? Shall I tell my wife (if I am so lucky to have one in my future) what had happen?

I am lost. I am glad to find this forum and I am looking forward to hearing from you.


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#162680 - 06/21/07 03:33 PM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi msurvivor, I am one of the straight guys on here. To me it sounds like you are straight. I think if I was you I would go see my family doctor, and ask for a test to see if your sperm are functioning normally. It is my understanding that you only need one working testicle.
(I am ashamed of this and afraid of having sex with female. I did refuse to have sex with girls just because of my insecurity. I thought my lack of one functional testicle may affect my marriage, chance of having kids, and self-esteem.) Because you have conditioned your self so much you man need to see a therapist about this.

About your friend, No lets call him your ex-friend, a friend would not have behaved in that manner, he is not your friend. I don't know if he is gay or bisexual, but taking advantage of you while you were intoxicated is not being a friend. Some people are easily manipulated while intoxicated, so try not to worry to much about what happened then.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#162704 - 06/21/07 07:26 PM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: lostcowboy]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
Hi Clifford,

Thanks for your message. But one thing I don't quite understand is that he could have fucked my ass if he wanted to and nothing that serious happened. So, I am kind of believing what he told me about his uncertainty of what he did. I feel guilty of making him misunderstood that... Well, I have not contacted this person since last December before I left my home country. He told me he was upset as I felt that he took advantage of me while I was intoxicated as he said I asked for that. I told him that I might have had hallucination of having sex with my ex-girlfriend. I am trying to think that this was the biggest joke of my life. Yet, the more I distance this person, the more I feel insecure of what would happen: nude photo/video in the Internet or something worse that I am not yet aware of...

I actually told one of my best friends (a girl) and my younger brother about this (They don't know my testicle issue, though). Knowing that I was upset of what had happened, like you guys, they are very supportive. However, being an OCD, I find it really hard to forgive myself... as I was used to rules, etc... and I am bad at keeping secret... tried to be as honest as I can, I find this a task to hide for the rest of my life. I feel like talking about this openly at least I can feel better (even though I am aware that I might become prey).

I have been thinking about this for months... tired, very tired... I had nightmare. All I remember was that I screamed with fear... sounds ridiculous for someone of my age...

Please help.


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#162794 - 06/22/07 03:04 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi msurvivor, Try to not beat yourself up so much. If I understand you, your main interest is girls, but due to your insecurities about your physical condition, you have not had sex with girls, you are now 35 years old and are aware that time has been passing. If you are like me, you think that sex starts with touching? So you are also very likely to be touch starved. Maybe you told him that, and he misunderstood what you wanted or needed.

Let's talk about alcohol, you said you had a couple of drinks, to me that means between two and four drinks. You should have had clear memories of what happened, But you don't. That tells me that you ether had a lot more to drink, 10+ drinks, or something was added to your drink. When I was in the us navy, my drinking got so bad that I was having blackouts, so I know it takes a lot of drink to get in that condition. If he was matching you drink for drink, I would think that his memory would be as bad as yours, and yet he was able to tell you all about it.

It could be that you both had a lot to drink, and misunderstood each other. Guys are conditioned growing up to only think of touch as being sexual touch, however girls are taught both sexual and nonsexual touch. Which is why guys can get confused when girls touch us. Also girls like to communicate non-verbally, but most guys get about half of it, and some guys like myself get much less than that. Being that you have stayed away from girls, you are probably in the same boat as me. Is your girl(best friend) single and available? If so you may want to talk to her some more your problem, let her know that you are interested in girls, but due to you always staying away from them, you are very insecure around them. Ask if it would be alright for you to do some practice dating with her, or one or two of her single friends. This web site may be of some help, http://www.love-shy.com/ There is a free book on that site, that talks about guy's that are love-shy the author feels that this is a condition from birth, and while he feels that you will always be shy, it can be over come by practice dating. A book on dating that I like is Smart Dating by Donald Black. It is hard for me to know for sure, but I feel that I am a love-shy male, who was also raped when he was 11, when I was 11 my mother also got divorced from my dad and married a step dad from hell. So I have all that to try to work through. I did manage to get married, but there are problems in the relationship.

"I feel like talking about this openly at least I can feel better (even though I am aware that I might become prey). "
It is good to talk about things in the open, if you ever get the feeling that someone is preying on you or trying to go where they should not on this site, do bring it to a Mod's attention!

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#162795 - 06/22/07 03:47 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: lostcowboy]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
Thank you for your note. One thing I did not mention is that I was in depression and I took some anti-depressant pills before meeting him up for partying... I used to drink a lot and so I believed that my hallucination might have come from the fact that I drunk while I was in medication (anti-depressant)... and that's why I felt so guilty... I victimized myself... and tried to find fault of others about what had happened.


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#162796 - 06/22/07 03:54 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
And I must say knowing that you guys survived from your experience, I felt that what happened to me is not a big deal. From a different point of view may help me orient my sexuality better: At least now I am pretty sure that I am not gay and I do want a family yet feel helpless at times that I cannot sleep...


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#162826 - 06/22/07 09:16 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
msurvivor,

I am glad you have found this place...it is an amazing resource for us survivors. However I wanted to make a comment about you saying "And I must say knowing that you guys survived from your experience, I felt that what happened to me is not a big deal."

Dont compare abuse...no matter what happened or how many times, it has the same devistating effect. A person who has been abused repeatedly and a person who has been abused once will have the same issues. Do not down play your abuse. What happenned to you is wrong and you did nothing wrong.

Thanks,
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#162938 - 06/22/07 07:59 PM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: pain4ever]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
Pain4ever,

Thanx for your message. I know I am still depressed, outraged, upset about what had happened. I do however cannot stay away from the thought that I did make a mistake. I am an adult, man! I know I should not downplay my issue, but what could I do. Sorry that if I offend anyone. I still lock myself in my home... canned food for months already... one thing I am glad is that I do not have to ring home to friends to talk about some sidetrack stories to relieve my uneasiness... as I've found this place. I lost quite a few friends already for calling them up and talked about nothing for months, they suspected something is wrong and I could not talk about that.. My supervisor is concerned that I was not in ANY event at all as my job is to work for community... and he also started to suspect something must have happened. Going to church made me feel relieved at times, however, the more I go and the more I learn about the holiness of Jesus, etc, the more I felt guilty of being a sinful person.


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#163233 - 06/25/07 08:33 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: msurvivor]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
MSurvivor...

You did nothing wrong...nothing to be guilty about. You were taken advantage of. You did not offend anyone I am sure!

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#163424 - 06/26/07 04:25 AM Re: Physical Trauma [Re: pain4ever]
msurvivor Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 13
One thing I don't understand is that if his intention was to abuse and take advantage of me. Why didn't he fuck me in the ass? I mean he could have done that as I was drunk and unconscious anyway... so I thought I might have asked for sex when I was drunk and he simply tried to help out (?/!) or I might have given him consent to do so... sick am I?


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