Deep Breath -

Well, here I am. First time posting here. Have read things a time or two before. Registering just now was a sort of a kick in the gut as it makes things even more real.

My divorce became final earlier this month (no kids - Thank God). I am in discovery(?) phase now. Beginning EMDR type of tx. I have been in therapy for about 20 months now and am beginning w my third therapist. I have almost no memories at all of childhood prior to the third grade. Christmases (none) Birthdays (nada) Summer Vacations (nyet) First or Second Grade teachers / friends (as if). You get the point.

I am horrified to read of the connections a few of you have to baltimore, md which is where I grew up and lived for 30y before moving south. I don't know if I was Violently Raped or Seductively Seduced. Kidnapped or Brainwashed. Each scenario has its own set of horrors and I feel I may have indicators of either (or both).

I have been having 1-3x/day crying spells and what might be dissociative episodes feeling woozy like out-of-the-here-&-now and having some 'body memories' as well. Shaking, not eating. Not wanting to do much but lie around in bed in fetal position and cry and pray "Why?".

I always manage to get myself into work to do my job which is as a clinical social worker who treats children and adolescents. Last nite I listened to the story of a 12y female victim of gang-rape describe her PTSD symptoms. I am a Christian and figure God seems to have wired me as a Healer and I have come to peace w that. What I have not yet come to peace w is that someday I will ever be healed and happy bc I don't trust happiness or success - ever.

Please don't go showering me w "healing sunshine" like I have gotten at another site bc this process is pure HELL for me. I have never trusted men or had many male friends. You guys have no idea how much of a step this is for me to even annonymously post here. I am shaking as I type this.

Back to work, sorry for whining so much - thats just where I am right now (w/out a lot of hope) focusing on the negative so I can get it the hell 'out of my kitchen'. Most of the stories I have read make mine look like a walk in the park.

sonlite.

sonlite,

First let me say welcome to the site, this is a good place, lots of good thoughful people here, i hope you find some connections and comfort here.

It sure sounds to me like you got some Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome stuff going on. That was my diagnosis, or i should say the one that finally made some sense to me, i shared a lot of the symptoms you described.

I am also getting divorced, only i have four kids, its been a chore to say the least.

Having what your having come up and get in your face is hell, and i hope your new therapist is on the ball and your able to start unwinding the mysteries and putting all the puzzle pieces together so the picture starts coming together clearly for you.

In the meantime, your in good company here, i am glad you found us, i hope you stay a while and keep talking, it really does help.

John

Hey Sonlite,
Did you here this one: My shirt is ragged..My paints are tore..Ain't never found what I've been lookin for..So I'm going to go back...Back to Baltimore...You can come back if you want to...but learn how to shoot straight first!!!!!! I love the feel of a 8" .357 mag..sounds a little long but really hits the mark! I like when it gets cool enough to wear a coat...can carry two..one under each arm pit! Baltimore is a cool town...so strange that no one can figger it out...I can't and don't try to! You don't go out for a walk for your health here! Whatever, welcome aboard...you have come to the right place. I started having flashbacks of being raped about 16 months ago...my therapist says that they most likely started a year or more before but I don't remember because I kept "Stuffing" them back into my subconscious as fast as they showed up. Once I remembered my first flash they started coming by the 100's...I had a blank space in my life between 11 and 15...but I don't anymore! I've been to lots of therapists, Pdocs, hospitals, groups, etc. and have met a lot of people that have been sexually abused...still can't figger out what therapist a good for but still go...must be an education for me! One thing that I have noticed along the way :in most cases...NOT ALL...where people have been SA before the age of 7 or 8 ...the developmental years...They get PTSD and DID or MPD what ever you want to call it!!!! Seems like they all had DID...every group that I was in...everyone had it that had SA from 8yo down! I'm not trying to scare you but warn you of what might pop up....more people inside your head...made by your mind to take the pain of the SA so you didn't have to! Most that had it had more then one ...Someone talking when no one is around...lost time..etc...After time most DID people get some control over their "Parts"...can talk to them and control when they come out. Hope you don't have it...but keep an eye out for it so you don't get into trouble!!!!!!!

Eddie

Hey sonlite,

Just read your posting and I feel for you. I'm a Christian too and it's not always an easy road. Sometimes we think that because we are Christians that life will be easier. Usually it's harder, but that's where we learn about God's grace and mercy.

I'll be praying that God reveals the truth to you in a way where you can walk through it with Him and get healed. It sounds like it's gonna be a tough process, but don't give up. God can help you drudge through it and He will be with you every step of the way and carry you when you need it. People may leave, but put your trust on God, then if people hurt you, which might happen, you'll see it in the proper perspective and it won't destroy you because your focus will be on Him. You'll need Jesus and the Holy Spirit to get you through, so make sure you enlist God's help. The devil will try to tell you that He left, but remember that he is the father of all lies. God will never leave you nor forsake you. NEVER means NEVER.

Allow yourself to experience what you need to experience in your journey and face it head on. Know that there are people here that care about you making it. Get a strong network around you.

When I went through the process of finally dealing with issues, my friends and support system were essential to my recovery. Make sure that you have non-judgemental people that care more about you than what they might see come out and will love you anyway.

What comes out is leaving. Don't let it freak you out, just know that God will bring it out to get it out. That's the way He designed it.

Give yourself A LOT of mercy and grace and don't judge yourself either. When you are healing, you need to realize that it's a process. Don't be too hard on yourself and forgive yourself. God forgives you and He doesn't even see you as you see yourself. He sees you already righteous before Him.

I'll be praying for you and know that you will make it through this. I pray God's peace over you and that you will get to the root of this problem.

God Bless and Keep getting up.

Sonlite - I am a Christian. I lived in Baltimore. I had memory block from childhood. I went through a divorce - no children either thankgoodness. I have never trusted men. When I am around a group of men even those I know I am nervous. I have had DID. I have flashbacks. And I also am pretty new to this place. But it seems like a good place to post. I hope to hear from you son.

Terry - Redsongbird

Well -

I am hanging in there. Went for 2nd appt w new therapist today. She feels my wierd moments are more about "PTSD Flooding" [of brain-chemical response to long denied emotions] rather than about dissociative stuff. I guess I agree w her bc I don't feel too much like I leave the here-and-now or have other persons w/in me. I will need to do some "inner-child" stuff bc some of my language and writings [much less feelings and behaviors] get to be pretty immature when I am in a state of Fear.

Thanks for all the support I have gotten from everyone. What the hell is it w baltimore anyway? As I stated before I have more than 1 possible scenario for my abuse but it is on public record that the priest at my church was convicted as a pedophile. T/fore I have MAJOR trust problems w God. And accepting that God has anything in store for me other than to have bad things happen all the time. I saw my sister get hit by a car when I was 15y - I mean why would God place me on that corner, walking home from a friends house at that very moment? My sister was flown to Johns Hopkins, got a little better, but then the proverbial other shoe dropped and she arrested, and was brain dead before she died alone in a nursing home 5 years later. I couldn't get out of that damn city fast enough. And it ALWAYS triggers me into major depressive/anxious episodes when I visit (like w Christmas coming up). I am already anxious about it.

I needed to hear about the Grace thing bc I have been struggling w sexualized feelings since all this started 3 wks ago. I mean I have completely put off all thoughts of sex for so long. My ex-wife is the only woman I have ever 'been w' and unfortunately she was one of these only 4x a year women. And I am So angry that the average teenager I counsel gets more and knows more about sex than I do at 37y [I am ashamed to say that is not an eggageration].

An Issue maybe some folks can help me w:

A few weeks ago, a woman I was dating just "jumped my bones" while we were making out on her sofa and rode me (mostly clothed) and yelled like a banshee in heat and it was VERY overwhelming for me. I FROZE up and it was very uncomfortable to say the least. But it stirred 'feelings' in me which I have been trying to hide for so long. Not long after, the g/friend abruptly dumped me - no doubt bc of how I fumbled on the goaline w intimacy and was so scared-immature. Now I am just trying to get the thoughts and these damn new "body memories" under control. Only the big problem is my body memories don't have to do w women, but of being w men. I read much of the "No, I'm not Gay" discussion and it was a big relief for me that just bc my body feels "tingly" in certain areas and then I think in certain ways - doesn't necessarily mean anything about me. But nonetheless I am SO SCARED.

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So I am a mess. I cried last nite, this a.m., in the car on the way to therapy. When will this fieldtrip to HELL be over ?!

I do have some supports but how can you just call some girl [I have no male friends] and say "Can I hang out w you (no matter what your plans are) bc I can't be alone right now"?

On the plus side, I may have saved the life of a highly depressed teenaged girl this week ... It just doesn't make sense. How can I be able to be clinical enough, and sensitive enough to get someone to tell me she is thinking about killing herself - and get her to safey ... while at the same time I go around always feeling like a 6y boy in a man's body?

Geez! I didn't realize I had written so much. I hope I didn't overdo it but I REALLY need to get things out now.

Thanks to anyone w the patience to read through all this - much less, respond.
sonlite.

Hey there, What the hell is wrong with Baltimore????? Like they said on Homocide...the TV show...Baltimore is a Brown Town...now don't be dissing the brothers...They will get you!!!! Just kidding, I live a mile north of the Baltimore Beltway and no one around me ever goes down town...they can't believe that I do...I work for Johns Hopkins...deep in the city and never have problems...they don't know what I carry and how I use it in a heart beat and don't consider that a problem!!!! But, hey I'm pretty nuts and have been all my life...now I know it's from the SA! You talk about being nuts for a few weeks...try 16 months of hard core flashbacks and yes I just ball up and cry my eyes out!!! Frued said that if you are SA when a child, you will grow up and take the active role! My mind didn't want me to be a ped so it shut down my penis...that's what my therapist told me...could be...it shut down with the coming of the flashbacks!!!! There are things you can do to get around all of the sexual crap and still have REAL GOOD SEX but you have to open up to new and strange things...read the back posts...maybe you have and know where I'm coming from...I haven't heard anyone else agree with my way of acting out and still being in control but hey not everyone can boogey through down town B-more at night!!!! Death Wish...maybe!!! But sex and male childhood SA is a problem...big time! Don't feel alone, most of us are just like you in a lot of ways...Hope that you find a friend...where you live.... that you can talk to! I don't see too much in the God thing myself but again each to their own!

Eddie