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#162339 - 06/19/07 03:25 PM First timer...please help me out.
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Hello everyone. I have experienced the most difficult time of my life over the last three months. I'm 49 years old, married, father of two wonderful girls (high school and college), and my wife and I are about to mark our 25 anniversary.

My CSA: I was abused repeatedly (probably 15 times) at age 6 or 7 by my oldest brother. He's 10 years older than me. I've thought I was gay all my life. I never had sex with anyone until I met my wife. I thought it was a miracle. She's beautiful, talented, intelligent, loving. But, I have had sexual urges for college-age guys my whole life. I've been quite obsessed by these thoughts for years, and in the last six months, I've been completely overwhelmed by the desire to have sex with a man. (Before I met my wife in college, I got off with a guy one time. It was great.)

I have had OCD forever. My compulsion involves counting. I count everything...objects, stripes on the highway, picture frames, license plates...all day everyday.

I told my wife about my abuse 16 years ago, after she asked me, "Are you comfortable with your sexuality." I didn't tell her I was gay then, just that I was abused. After 14 years and much therapy, I finally confronted my brother. He said he was sorry, but in the almost three years since, he has done absolutely nothing to reach back to me. So, two months ago I wrote him a letter, spelling everything out, and sent it to all of my siblings. (I'm the youngest of 8 children.) They have all gotten together to meet and lovingly confront him about what he did to me. I did not attend.

Sorry this is so long. To wrap up...I'm leaning toward wanting to act on my gay feelings, and my wife knows this. We're absolutely torn up about possibly divorcing. I don't want to devastate our girls, but I am so ripped to pieces inside. I have just returned to work after 10 weeks of being off because of anxiety attacks. It's tough. I love her, but I truly think I'm gay. My therapist is fantastic and she's trying to get me to see that I have to do what will make me happy, no matter how hard it will be initially for my family.

I'm on huge doses of antidepressants for my anxiety, depression, and OCD. Yet, I'm still depressed.

Please help me with your thoughts.

REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#162360 - 06/19/07 06:37 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
REJ - I empathize with your anxiety and confusion. There was a time I was convinced I was gay - and it almost destroyed my marriage. We're still not on "stable ground" but things are getting better.

For me - the question came whether I was just craving "acting out" or if I truly was gay. And that's a question, at least at this point, I can't answer. Since it could just be the heavy desire to act out - I'm not doing anything towards it.

My wife remains at my side. She has been a great strength to me, even when she thought she should leave - our friendship has brought us through some rough times. When I've wanted out of the marriage the most is typically when I wanted to either act out - or just run away from everything.

I can't say what's going to be right for you. I can say that the antidepressants help me a little - my wife, my T - and this place help me more.

My heart aches for you - I hope and pray for peace - whatever your decisions may be. Know you're not alone. I would just caution against any sudden changes...

Marc

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#162406 - 06/19/07 11:45 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. *DELETED* [Re: trusty]
krayoss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 112
Loc: west
Post deleted by krayoss


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#162418 - 06/20/07 02:06 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: krayoss]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Hi REJ

Many of us know exactly what you are talking about. I have been married for almost 10 years now and through the years I took the way of acting out. Today I am still paying for that decision. My wife still do not know about it and I will have my 6 month aniversary of not acting out soon. I must be honset, it feels great.

Does that mean the urges are not there any more? No, I struggle with it still but I had to make a decision what means most to me. My sanity and my family or doing something that can ultimately cost me everything. I acted out because of one simple reason and that was to get the affection and ?love? of a man. Unfortunatley the only way to get that was to have sex.

Do not make a hasty decision. I believe having the urges does not mean you are gay. You should decide what weighs most in your life, counting the cost and then decide.

Best of luck to you my friend, I know it is never easy.

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#162463 - 06/20/07 10:50 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pietie]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
REJ,

I understand your angst at the feelings you have inside of you. As Marc has suggested, this desire to “act out” is more than likely what’s going on. The fact that it’s with other males does not by that virtue make you gay – just like being abused by another male doesn’t mean you are gay. Likewise, and this is a bazaar but true one, males who abuse other males are not necessarily gay. Abuse is about power not sex; but let’s put that one aside for another decade or lifetime!

I can relate to what I’d refer to as your “triggers”. This same group of males trigger me most often as well. You said:
Quote:
I have had sexual urges for college-age guys my whole life


The dots all lined up when I read this about you. You said you were aged 6-7 when abused and your brother was 10 years older. That made him a “college-age guy”. Is it any wonder you are triggered by “college-age guys”?

Certainly what I’ve learnt with working with my therapist is that guys the age of my brother when he abused me are my biggest triggers. Second are guys who remind me of me when I was younger. Other things trigger me also but these are the biggies for me. Sounds like they are for you too.

So, my thoughts (IMHO) are that this is not so much about gay feelings but it’s about being triggered and then wanting to act out. The lie of course is that acting out helps. ZZZ on the buzzer! Acting out doesn’t help but knowing that doesn’t stop the triggering nor the thoughts about acting out – whatever acting out means to you.

Try and work on this with your T if you can. You may get some different perspectives on it all.

Take care.


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#162466 - 06/20/07 11:09 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pietie]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
This thread is an EXCELLENT example of how the categories of gay or straight are so harmful to our sense of self, and to our society.

The drive to be sexual is one of our most powerful (the desire to eat and drink are before this), and it does not include the desire to "reproduce". It only provides the desire to connect with another human being.

The gender of the partner that excites us is inconsequential, and I think (and I hope) as time goes on we are going to see many more people who are happy to experience attraction to both genders, and are even eager to make it a positive experience either way.

I know it's very difficult guys, but I don't think it's healthy to try and determine which label goes on you, but maybe perhaps focus on what you want out of life, even if that means at any given moment.

I don't know how to "undo" the stigma that society (mostly religion) has created, so I just share this as an idea.

Best of luck fellas.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#162472 - 06/20/07 12:12 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: cbfull]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Thanks for the encouragement, all. I certainly do hear you, Craig, and I agree that labels are not important. I have told my wife that no matter what comes to pass, I think I will continue to have the desire to be with men because I always have. What I'm grappling with is the pain I'm causing her, and the pain I know I will potentially cause my daughters. They are all I'm worried about. I don't give a rip about what the rest of the world thinks, including my siblings, if I decide to live the rest of my life with a male partner. My T has made it clear to me that she prefers not to work on finding a label for me to be comfortable with. She wants me to be comfortable with myself. I'm simply torn about how I can move toward a resolution in my heart and head.

Thanks,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#162491 - 06/20/07 02:20 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
REJ,

Well...I know how you feel..I was there 2 years ago. I never acted out when I was married. I knew I couldnt hurt my ex-wife that way. I loved her but not like I should.

I too am attracted to college age guys...which makes no sense because I was never abused by college aged guys. I am attracted to both guys and girls.

This "issue" you have is an extremely tough one, this is how I handled it, that does not mean I am suggesting this for your situation. I was married for 8 yesrs and have a daughter. I stayed with my ex-wife because of my daughter for along time...all the time supressing my sexual urges toward guys. During this whole time I was miserable and I fought with my ex-wife constantly. This led me to my ultimate decision, to come out. I watch, at the age of 4, my daughter go from a happy go lucky...happy girl to a shutoff, solumn little girl. At that point I realized that my relationship issues with my ex-wife were affecting my daughter. It then became evident that staying married was worse for my daughter then spliting up. It was a leap but I told my ex-wife and told her parents. Came out to my family...my daughter...everyone.

Honestly it was the best decision I ever made. Yes, I dont have custody of my daughter and that kills me everyday, but now I know that she wont grow up thinking our dysfunctional family is normal. I wanted her to see what a loving and caring relationship was about.

She is great with everything, she is now 7 and we are closer than ever. She thinks its full I like boys and one fo the most amazing thing happenned the other day. We were in the grocery store and the regular check out lady asked me on a date, with my daughter there. She looked right at her and said "Hey leave me daddy alone...he likes boys and hes proud of it." WOW..

Sincerely,
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#162495 - 06/20/07 02:41 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Hi, Brian,

I think part of the pain for my wife and me is the fact that our daughters have seen their friends' parents get divorced, and we've always shown ourselves to our kids as truly loving people...no fighting, etc. ever.

What we do, especially in the last three months since I've told my wife I am gay, is wait until they are out of the house, and talk, talk, talk about our situation, and cry our eyes out. (I've cried more in the last three months than in the rest of my entire life.) Two nights ago, I got hysterically emotional about all this while my 16 year old daughter was home, and I ran to my bathroom, turned on the exhaust fan, and wept deeply. My wife discovered me there 20 minutes later and consoled me.

I guess we're on this emotional rollercoaster, and we have to stay strong until the ride stops before making any decision. My wife used to beg me to decide. Now she's giving me the patient routine, being rather lovey-dovey, like that's going to win me over. It only feels patronizing, and makes it worse.

To top it all off, I'm on such a high dose of the meds, I don't really have much of a sex drive. But I'm still looking at every cute guy that passes by, wishing they were mine. And, the age issue (I'm 49) makes it all really ridiculous. That's why I get so low that I don't want to be around. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#162497 - 06/20/07 02:52 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
REJ,

I get ya...I am 30 and luckily there are a lot of cute younger gay guys that have a thing for guys that are older...LOL Sorry I shouldnt laugh but its true.

Yes you are in a tough situation but I thought about it like this...I knew I would eventually come out and i didnt want to teach my daughter that lying about who you are is okay. So if I had waited till she was 18...I thought she would hate me for lying for so long.

To me coming out was a great resolution to the problem but THATS ME. Not you...you have to decide what is important to you. I know that I am now happier than I have ever been and I am truely in love for the first time in my adult life.

I understand about the patronizing thing though...Its too fake...my ex-wife did that.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#162501 - 06/20/07 02:58 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Brian,
All I can say is "good for you, man." I'm smiling for you.

The timing of all this is certainly not in my favor. Regarding the age issue relative to our kids, I agree there as well. I think both of my daughters have always thought their father was infallible until this spring.

REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#162504 - 06/20/07 03:03 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
REJ...we all have to get rid of that image of trying to be infailable with our kids. Its not realistic. Sets up unrealistic expectabtions within themselves.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#162558 - 06/21/07 05:07 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
REJ,

I do see whatever you decide is up to you and I’m glad to hear your wife is trying to work this through with you. I think many would have said get out! Some time back.

I did raise a point and wanted to know if you’d covered that concept. I asked if when working with your T you had covered the fact of how the triggers make you want to engage in gay sex and help fuel your desire to live a gay lifestyle. Have you covered that?

If you say, yeah, been there, covered that and you don’t feel that it’s connected and this is purely about your decision to hook up with a male partner instead of a female one then so be it.

I just didn’t want my question to you to get lost in what must be a very difficult phase of decision making for you.


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#162648 - 06/21/07 12:27 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: Grunty1967b]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Grunty,
Yes, absolutely I know that the age of my brother when he abused me is the cause of my triggers being college age guys. My T and I have discussed this, but haven't really touched on the fact that I would like to act on my feelings more today than ever.

Its like this volcano of desire has been building up, and I finally came out to my wife, and now I really want to act on my feelings. My problem is made worse because I'm a college professor, and I have to look at these guys all day long. That's what I need to get beyond in order to stay married. A gay friend of mine recently told me that my problem is that I'm trying to deal with things that most gay guys deal with when they are 19 years old, not 49.

I'm off to my next therapy session right now. I'm happy that I have this great insight from my MS friends to share with her.

Thanks,
REJ





Edited by trusty (06/21/07 02:19 PM)
_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#162844 - 06/22/07 11:20 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
REJ,

Let us know how it goes with your T.

Yes it is hard to deal with this issue later in life. I was told by a gay guy that once your older than 30 in the gay world...you might as well be dead. Well he was WRONG!!

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#162943 - 06/22/07 08:23 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
My therapist yesterday was so happy with me...
I have made up my mind that I would love to stay with my wife, but that it has to be with a certain understanding. I have to be comfortable with my desires for men. So, she must know that I am a bisexual and that I will have thoughts about men forever. I will not act on them so long as we are married, but there will be days when I am checking them out, and that I will continue to keep them in my thoughts of fantasy. I don't want my wife to be constantly asking me if I'm having these thoughts; she can be sure that I will have them, because I always have. I told my wife this last night. She responded that she would prefer to have a fully heterosexual mate who only thinks about her. She is willing to try to make this work, however, because our daughter has two more years of high school. I don't know what to think about that. So, we'll keep working on it.

It feels wonderful, however, to embrace my newly defined sexuality. I'm fine with myself for the first time in 49 years.

Yeah!

REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#163230 - 06/25/07 08:30 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Get to hear REJ. Glad you are comfortable with your sexuality but keep in mind you dont have to places labels on yourself.

I can understand your wifes feelings....it must be hard but you guys have to do whats best for your children.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#163300 - 06/25/07 12:27 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Brian,
You have been an amazing help to me. Thanks for hearing what I have to say, and giving me such level-headed advice. I know this is all going to work out for the best...some day in the not-too-distant future.

I'm truly grateful,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Top
#163312 - 06/25/07 01:19 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
REJ,

Glad I could be here for you. If you ever have any questions let me know.

Yes it will all work out and eventually you will get to a place where you are comfortable with everything. I think it is awesome that you put your girls first.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

Top
#163318 - 06/25/07 02:04 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
WOW REJ!

Inside myself I know who I am and want to be, but because of my fears I am unable to express them. I tried to with my first wife, but it led to the end of my marriage. I too have two daughters and it is because of them I closet my sexuality. My fear of being ousted and losing the love of my daughters led to my second marriage. During the time that I was single I explored my sexuality and even tried to come out to my mother, boy was that a mistake. As I said my fears of being ousted and losing the love of my daughters led me into my second marriage. I love my wife and the person she is, but I am not truly completed sexually with her. I live with the guilt.

I admirer your courage! Thank you for sharing!

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#163416 - 06/26/07 02:03 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
terpprm Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/15/07
Posts: 312
Loc: Elyria, Ohio
its completely normal to have those feelings. i was sexually abused at age 14 by a really close college age man. i thought i was gay for a long time! see, growing up, and even today, my dad never showed affection of any kind. this man knew that and took advantage of it. but i liked it. today, i still find myself looking at men wondering what's in their pants. i have feelings for many men. but i have found that these feelings always tied back to if they could give me that fatherly love i only had from that one man. and forever, that's how i will know fatherly love. i am only 19 and will soon be married to my love of my life. and its my solemn promise, that my children will have the proper love and won't have to find other men to "love" them. cause true love is not a sexual thing.


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#163473 - 06/26/07 01:58 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: terpprm]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear terpprm,
Thanks for your note. I'm sorry that you weren't shown love from your father. That is one thing that I can proudly say I've done well...I've hopefully been a good, loving father to my daughters. This is also part of the difficulty I'm having in coming to terms with my sexuality, how my potential divorce will affect them in feeling they can depend on me. No matter what happens, I will always be there for them.

I do offer for your consideration this thought. When I met and fell in love with my wife, I truly thought my feelings/desires for men could be set aside. Forever. That has never been the case. So, I would encourage you to discuss, openly, your situation with your fiance before you take the vows. It is very important that she knows about the battle you will be facing for the rest of your life. Your statement: "true love is not a sexual thing" is very true. It's is an important ingredient for us to consider in working through our struggles, for we know that our abuse was a sexual thing for our perpetrators, but a betrayal of trust, pure abuse to us as young people who were not ready to be sexualized.

Thank you for giving me so much to think about.

Peace,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#163585 - 06/27/07 12:21 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
terpprm Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/15/07
Posts: 312
Loc: Elyria, Ohio
i just started talking to her two weeks ago tonight about it. she also has been raped by her two previous boyfriends. which i knew, but i never told her about me. she understands about how i sometimes doubt my straightness, but at the same time is scared. both of us are really, but i can see why she is. i'd be scared too!


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#163589 - 06/27/07 12:26 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: terpprm]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: terpprm

true love is not a sexual thing.


So true!

_________________________
Eddie

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#163602 - 06/27/07 02:16 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
REJ,

Originally Posted By: trusty
I don't want my wife to be constantly asking me if I'm having these thoughts; she can be sure that I will have them, because I always have. I told my wife this last night. She responded that she would prefer to have a fully heterosexual mate who only thinks about her. She is willing to try to make this work, however, because our daughter has two more years of high school. I don't know what to think about that. So, we'll keep working on it.


Your wife might be helped by considering the fact that most people are not absolutely gay or absolutely straight in the first place, so the exclusivity she wants in thought as well as deed is likely to be disappointed whoever she happens to be with. The difference is just that you are learning to be so much more honest about it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#163754 - 06/27/07 10:16 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
Russ2 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 77
Trusty, a little something for your wife...

http://www.straightspouse.org/


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#163761 - 06/27/07 10:42 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: Russ2]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Russ2,
Thanks much. It looks great, and she's in a very good place tonight to be ready to check this out. We've made huge progress on our future together today.

Thanks,
REJ


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#171083 - 08/05/07 11:32 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
REJ,
My heart breaks for you. Your struggles are huge and you articulate everything so well amidst such great pain and confusion. I was abused (between ages 7-11 as best I can recall) by an older brother and although I am not married I traditionally sought out older guys. More recently, it is anyone who is male. I hate the urges to act out because I crash with anxiety, guilt and shame. I have learned my attractions are not so much about the sex as they are about male affection and attention. There is apparently something psychologically soothing and affirming that I have value when I act out sexually with men. It is a distortion and a lie in my case and may be with you as well. I cannot say. I am sure I am gay, and the cause is not at issue FOR ME. MY reasons for sharing those details is in the hope that perhaps you may see some of the same parallels. Seeing similarities so we know we are not alone is helpful ffor me at least. (The great equalizer)

I am thinking that you might try a temporary seperation to test the waters to see if you are gay. That would be a lot to ask your wife but trials can make some sense. Of course it is not an easy decision but this sounds so difficult and you have carried a burden for so long. (I almost wonder if the OCD, is not a result of the abuse as a coping mechanism). Children do adjust and they will love you anyway. My past partner had a boy and girl who loved him. The daughter especially but the boy was distant. Age has a lot to do with it. However, children adjust and they love thier parents unless you were a parent from hell which you do not sound like it.

I also recommend if you do begin to pursue gay men, that you try making friendships with at least one gay man and try to keep it platonic for support. The gay world can be shallow and only about hookups in certain circles and that might end up being more dangerous and devestating to you. There is certainly a great deal at stake here, but I encourage you to follow your instincts but also try to have a plan and do everything with balance.
I will recall you and all my brothers in prayer and especially today at Mass. I will watch other postings from you and wish you the best on your journey of finding yourself. In the process, I hope you heal too.
Be well, be safe.
Peace ,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#171186 - 08/05/07 07:16 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: Danbuff]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear Dan,
Thanks very much for your post. Much has happened for me in the past few months. Nothing has settled, unfortunately. My wife and I are in a constant state of turmoil. We have finally begun joint marriage counseling, and were encouraged by our therapist to slow things down. Part of our trouble is wrapped up in our daughters' lives. We do not want to hurt them. Part of our trouble is wrapped up in the fact that we do love each other, but we are not in love the way were were years ago.

Because of my level of stress, I resigned my position last week. I'm still in my job, but it is different in that I'm not in charge of 50 or so workers any longer. We're hoping that will allow me some brain space to keep working on the abuse and my sexuality issues.

The tension is so high in our house that you can cut it with a knife. My wife and I were inches away from declaring a total loss on the relationship and starting divorce proceedings. But, we're trying to see if we can make things work out. I'm certain that I am gay, but, having dealt with it in one way for almost 50 years, I'm trying to determine what to do now, this late in life.

Dan, thanks for noting the parallels between us. Your advice to seek friendships for platonic support is right on target. And, what I'm eager for male affection, attention, and a relationship...not just a sexual relationship. It's tough for me right now, as I'm truly split in two. But, I've got a great therapist who is helping me on a weekly basis.

My OCD, by the way, is definitely related to trying to cope with the abuse, and the sexuality issues, and the guilt over not having been fully truthful to my wife when we fell in love. OCD is also partially biological, so I'm attempting to deal with it with some pretty heavy meds. This is all still a toss-up as to whether it is working or not.

Thanks for your good wishes.

REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#172085 - 08/09/07 08:10 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
check out this site.

http://www.gaychristian.net

beyondexgay.com

regardless if you fit into these categories i think they can be helpful to you. there are many guys and women who have been in yhour shoes. there are even women who are in your wives place... i suggest asking their insight as well

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#172117 - 08/09/07 10:58 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: Nate]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Rej,

I was in exactly the same situation as you. I was married to a woman for 23 years, we have kids, and I am gay. This is going to sound odd, but instead of a trial seperation, we were actually divorced for 4 years, and I was in a relationship with another man for almost that entire time. However, my relationship with Victor was winding down at the same time my wife and I were each making progress with our own demons; me with my CSA, BPD and DID, and her with depression, anxiety and insecurity. Plus, my feelings for my son and desire to have a 'normal' family life brought me and my ex back together again. We remarried and stayed together for another 8 years, during which time we had twins. We had good times and bad times, just like any other couple, but once she got pregnant our sex lives ceased to exist. AFter that, it was only a matter of time until we divorced again.

I agree and empathize with almost everything that's been said in this excellent thread. It's been like a walk down memory lane to see how similar our thought processes are. I'd like to share a few things that my experience has taught me;

1. My wife and I both deserved a better relationship than we had even though neither of us would have admitted it back then.

2. It was unfair for her to be married to a man who had no interest in making her feel like a woman, sexually. I uas using her as an incubator and nanny more than a wife. She was using me as a provider for her and her children. We were very co-dependant.

3. There IS life after divorce. I went on to find the love of my life, and she... well, she hasn't been so lucky, yet. The important thing is that we are still friends, perhaps better friends than we ever were while we were married.

4. Kids don't have to be devastated by divorce. We both worked very hard to make sure that their needs were met, and that they understood what and why. I have full custody of the twins, but I allow their Mom access to them whenever she wants. Since she lives 80 miles away, I even let her stay at my house when she comes to visit. We have no arguments, no tensions, and things really are better now than the ever were.

5. Two gay men really do make good parents. It's incredibly hard for the new guy (what a lifestyle change it was for my husband!) but with patience and understanding, anything is possible. Now he is almost as much a parent to my kids as I am, and probably more so than their mother.

I worried a lot about all of the things that you are worried about, and I did my best to make good decisions for everybody involved, as you are. My situation worked out very well. I know that's not always the case, but I wanted you to know that it can happen.

Hope this helps,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#172125 - 08/09/07 12:29 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: Lazarus]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear Lazarus,
Thank you for this message. It came at a very good time for me. I'm really hurting because of the pain my wife and I are going through. It's so tough. I can't seem to control my sadness. She is trying to be strong, despite the hurt, and in the last couple of days she has come to understand what I'm dealing with, I think, for the first time since I came out to her in March. It doesn't stop the pain she is in, though. She can't sleep. She has almost stopped eating. She is deeply hurt.

We both know what likely needs to happen. We are both sad. But, we love each other and respect each other's feelings. I want more than anything to keep her friendship as you have with your wife. I love her that way so much.

Sorry that you had to make two attempts with your wife at working through things. It's awesome that you love your children that much. I'd do anything for my daughters. I don't want them to be devastated.

I'm going to share your message with my wife. I think it will be very helpful. Thanks very, very much for caring enough to write. I'll keep you posted on my results.

Peace,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#172127 - 08/09/07 12:31 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear Nate,
Thanks for the web site. It looks very helpful. I am a Christian, albeit a struggling one, and I'm having big issues with my family over their judgement of my desires as being immoral.

I appreciate your support.

Thanks,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#175914 - 08/26/07 01:37 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
Zed Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 3
Loc: west coast USA
I was raped by my grandfather from age 7 to 12.... both oral and anal... daily.. I came out of it convinced that I was gay, tried it in high school and college as a boytoy bottom. finally met a woman and we hit it off she never found out...maried with kids,, but still have these times when I think I am living a lie and act out my gay side an d find a few gay spots where I can give oral sex and take it anally.... then I come back and luve the 'good me'' for another 6 months or so and back through the cycle.

be careful... My life is one of shame but I do have a good family I would never want to hurt or lose...I just have to live the two parts of me.

hugs..
Zed


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#175919 - 08/26/07 02:16 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: Zed]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Zed,
Thanks for sharing your situation. Gosh, I don't know...I think I'd really have trouble living the two different ways. That's why I'm on the fence, and about to die figuring out which way to jump off. My wife fully knows about my gay desires. She's convinced its entirely because of my sexual abuse. I've been desperately trying to get the answer to that, but it is nowhere to be found, for certain.

So, yesterday we had a very civil truce...it was our 25th wedding anniversary. The hardest one ever celebrated, I'm sure. So, we'll see what the future holds. I'm in therapy, going great guns at trying to work through my abuse and how it has affected so many aspects of my life that I never even considered before this year. It's tough work, but important.

Good luck to you in keeping yourself together and safe.

REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#175963 - 08/26/07 08:49 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Zed,

My acting out while I was married followed much the same pattern as yours. I travelled a lot and when I was home I was the good husband and father, but when I was away I was a gay as they come. Yes, it was rather schizophrenic, but that's how I made things work for me.

Other than the fact that I was living a lie, the real problems began when I realized that I liked sex with men more than sex with my wife. I started having ED, and to counter that I would fantasize about gay sex while I was having sex with her, but then I would feel guilty about doing that, and I'd lose my erection again. (It's odd that I when my two sex lives were seperate I enjoyed them both, but once they came together neither one was good...)

We finally split up after I realized that she deserved a husband who could love her as a woman, not just as a wife and mother. I hooked up with this website for women with gay husbands, and since I was one of just a few men on the site who would speak openly and honestly, I sort of became their poster boy. It wasn't enough for the relationship to be bad for me (I didn't deserve any better) but when I understood how damaging it was for my wife I managed to get the courage to 'let her go.' Ok, I divorced her, but I did everything I could do to help her get on her feet and start a new life. As it turns out, we both still love each other, and we are better friends now than we had been for many years.

I know my story is unusual, and I'm not advocating anything. Just sharing the facts so that you'll know that Trusty and I are two people who understand your situation.

Best regards,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#178174 - 09/04/07 10:05 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
REJ -

I know how you feel. I am married and acted out repeatedily (anal sex bottom) - or I acted in (cutting myself). Does that mean I am Gay, or Bi, or Straight? I don't know - but I do know that I love my wife and want to be a good Father. And I do enjoy sex with my wife very much. So I am willing to leave the question unresolved. To let it go. What does it matter if I have what I want (a loving wife and a family)? The acting out and the acting in were coping skills I developed - not necessarily a lifestyle (and cutting yourself is not a lifestyle). After reading so many posts about wrestling with this very question I wonder if any of us resolve the issue 100%. As for me - I think I am...me. And I am learning to love me just as I am...and I can love you just as you are too, be that Gay, Bi, or Straight.

<<<<<All of You>>>>>



Edited by kellygtx (09/04/07 11:13 AM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#178283 - 09/04/07 08:16 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: kellygtx]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Kelly,
This is such an incredibly hopefilled message to receive...thanks for that.

I have a good life, it's for certain, but I am in pain. So...we're working on ways to alleviate the pain. Time is on our side...she's not pushing me out the door, and I'm not running away without lots of careful work on my issues.

Thanks, and hugs to you and all the others as well.

Much love,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#178352 - 09/05/07 09:34 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Trusty -

Seems we have so much in common. My wife and I are working on things also - and doing much better with both emotional and physical intimacy. But I often feel the dogs barking at my heals. I am not going to do anything rash either...but I want us both to be happy, as we both deserve to be happy.

<<<<<Trusty>>>>>



Edited by kellygtx (09/05/07 01:35 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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