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#172117 - 08/09/07 10:58 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: Nate]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Rej,

I was in exactly the same situation as you. I was married to a woman for 23 years, we have kids, and I am gay. This is going to sound odd, but instead of a trial seperation, we were actually divorced for 4 years, and I was in a relationship with another man for almost that entire time. However, my relationship with Victor was winding down at the same time my wife and I were each making progress with our own demons; me with my CSA, BPD and DID, and her with depression, anxiety and insecurity. Plus, my feelings for my son and desire to have a 'normal' family life brought me and my ex back together again. We remarried and stayed together for another 8 years, during which time we had twins. We had good times and bad times, just like any other couple, but once she got pregnant our sex lives ceased to exist. AFter that, it was only a matter of time until we divorced again.

I agree and empathize with almost everything that's been said in this excellent thread. It's been like a walk down memory lane to see how similar our thought processes are. I'd like to share a few things that my experience has taught me;

1. My wife and I both deserved a better relationship than we had even though neither of us would have admitted it back then.

2. It was unfair for her to be married to a man who had no interest in making her feel like a woman, sexually. I uas using her as an incubator and nanny more than a wife. She was using me as a provider for her and her children. We were very co-dependant.

3. There IS life after divorce. I went on to find the love of my life, and she... well, she hasn't been so lucky, yet. The important thing is that we are still friends, perhaps better friends than we ever were while we were married.

4. Kids don't have to be devastated by divorce. We both worked very hard to make sure that their needs were met, and that they understood what and why. I have full custody of the twins, but I allow their Mom access to them whenever she wants. Since she lives 80 miles away, I even let her stay at my house when she comes to visit. We have no arguments, no tensions, and things really are better now than the ever were.

5. Two gay men really do make good parents. It's incredibly hard for the new guy (what a lifestyle change it was for my husband!) but with patience and understanding, anything is possible. Now he is almost as much a parent to my kids as I am, and probably more so than their mother.

I worried a lot about all of the things that you are worried about, and I did my best to make good decisions for everybody involved, as you are. My situation worked out very well. I know that's not always the case, but I wanted you to know that it can happen.

Hope this helps,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#172125 - 08/09/07 12:29 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: Lazarus]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear Lazarus,
Thank you for this message. It came at a very good time for me. I'm really hurting because of the pain my wife and I are going through. It's so tough. I can't seem to control my sadness. She is trying to be strong, despite the hurt, and in the last couple of days she has come to understand what I'm dealing with, I think, for the first time since I came out to her in March. It doesn't stop the pain she is in, though. She can't sleep. She has almost stopped eating. She is deeply hurt.

We both know what likely needs to happen. We are both sad. But, we love each other and respect each other's feelings. I want more than anything to keep her friendship as you have with your wife. I love her that way so much.

Sorry that you had to make two attempts with your wife at working through things. It's awesome that you love your children that much. I'd do anything for my daughters. I don't want them to be devastated.

I'm going to share your message with my wife. I think it will be very helpful. Thanks very, very much for caring enough to write. I'll keep you posted on my results.

Peace,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#172127 - 08/09/07 12:31 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear Nate,
Thanks for the web site. It looks very helpful. I am a Christian, albeit a struggling one, and I'm having big issues with my family over their judgement of my desires as being immoral.

I appreciate your support.

Thanks,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#175914 - 08/26/07 01:37 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
Zed Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 3
Loc: west coast USA
I was raped by my grandfather from age 7 to 12.... both oral and anal... daily.. I came out of it convinced that I was gay, tried it in high school and college as a boytoy bottom. finally met a woman and we hit it off she never found out...maried with kids,, but still have these times when I think I am living a lie and act out my gay side an d find a few gay spots where I can give oral sex and take it anally.... then I come back and luve the 'good me'' for another 6 months or so and back through the cycle.

be careful... My life is one of shame but I do have a good family I would never want to hurt or lose...I just have to live the two parts of me.

hugs..
Zed


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#175919 - 08/26/07 02:16 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: Zed]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Zed,
Thanks for sharing your situation. Gosh, I don't know...I think I'd really have trouble living the two different ways. That's why I'm on the fence, and about to die figuring out which way to jump off. My wife fully knows about my gay desires. She's convinced its entirely because of my sexual abuse. I've been desperately trying to get the answer to that, but it is nowhere to be found, for certain.

So, yesterday we had a very civil truce...it was our 25th wedding anniversary. The hardest one ever celebrated, I'm sure. So, we'll see what the future holds. I'm in therapy, going great guns at trying to work through my abuse and how it has affected so many aspects of my life that I never even considered before this year. It's tough work, but important.

Good luck to you in keeping yourself together and safe.

REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#175963 - 08/26/07 08:49 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Zed,

My acting out while I was married followed much the same pattern as yours. I travelled a lot and when I was home I was the good husband and father, but when I was away I was a gay as they come. Yes, it was rather schizophrenic, but that's how I made things work for me.

Other than the fact that I was living a lie, the real problems began when I realized that I liked sex with men more than sex with my wife. I started having ED, and to counter that I would fantasize about gay sex while I was having sex with her, but then I would feel guilty about doing that, and I'd lose my erection again. (It's odd that I when my two sex lives were seperate I enjoyed them both, but once they came together neither one was good...)

We finally split up after I realized that she deserved a husband who could love her as a woman, not just as a wife and mother. I hooked up with this website for women with gay husbands, and since I was one of just a few men on the site who would speak openly and honestly, I sort of became their poster boy. It wasn't enough for the relationship to be bad for me (I didn't deserve any better) but when I understood how damaging it was for my wife I managed to get the courage to 'let her go.' Ok, I divorced her, but I did everything I could do to help her get on her feet and start a new life. As it turns out, we both still love each other, and we are better friends now than we had been for many years.

I know my story is unusual, and I'm not advocating anything. Just sharing the facts so that you'll know that Trusty and I are two people who understand your situation.

Best regards,

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#178174 - 09/04/07 10:05 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
REJ -

I know how you feel. I am married and acted out repeatedily (anal sex bottom) - or I acted in (cutting myself). Does that mean I am Gay, or Bi, or Straight? I don't know - but I do know that I love my wife and want to be a good Father. And I do enjoy sex with my wife very much. So I am willing to leave the question unresolved. To let it go. What does it matter if I have what I want (a loving wife and a family)? The acting out and the acting in were coping skills I developed - not necessarily a lifestyle (and cutting yourself is not a lifestyle). After reading so many posts about wrestling with this very question I wonder if any of us resolve the issue 100%. As for me - I think I am...me. And I am learning to love me just as I am...and I can love you just as you are too, be that Gay, Bi, or Straight.

<<<<<All of You>>>>>



Edited by kellygtx (09/04/07 11:13 AM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#178283 - 09/04/07 08:16 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: kellygtx]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Kelly,
This is such an incredibly hopefilled message to receive...thanks for that.

I have a good life, it's for certain, but I am in pain. So...we're working on ways to alleviate the pain. Time is on our side...she's not pushing me out the door, and I'm not running away without lots of careful work on my issues.

Thanks, and hugs to you and all the others as well.

Much love,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#178352 - 09/05/07 09:34 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Trusty -

Seems we have so much in common. My wife and I are working on things also - and doing much better with both emotional and physical intimacy. But I often feel the dogs barking at my heals. I am not going to do anything rash either...but I want us both to be happy, as we both deserve to be happy.

<<<<<Trusty>>>>>



Edited by kellygtx (09/05/07 01:35 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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