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#163416 - 06/26/07 02:03 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
terpprm Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/15/07
Posts: 312
Loc: Elyria, Ohio
its completely normal to have those feelings. i was sexually abused at age 14 by a really close college age man. i thought i was gay for a long time! see, growing up, and even today, my dad never showed affection of any kind. this man knew that and took advantage of it. but i liked it. today, i still find myself looking at men wondering what's in their pants. i have feelings for many men. but i have found that these feelings always tied back to if they could give me that fatherly love i only had from that one man. and forever, that's how i will know fatherly love. i am only 19 and will soon be married to my love of my life. and its my solemn promise, that my children will have the proper love and won't have to find other men to "love" them. cause true love is not a sexual thing.


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#163473 - 06/26/07 01:58 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: terpprm]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear terpprm,
Thanks for your note. I'm sorry that you weren't shown love from your father. That is one thing that I can proudly say I've done well...I've hopefully been a good, loving father to my daughters. This is also part of the difficulty I'm having in coming to terms with my sexuality, how my potential divorce will affect them in feeling they can depend on me. No matter what happens, I will always be there for them.

I do offer for your consideration this thought. When I met and fell in love with my wife, I truly thought my feelings/desires for men could be set aside. Forever. That has never been the case. So, I would encourage you to discuss, openly, your situation with your fiance before you take the vows. It is very important that she knows about the battle you will be facing for the rest of your life. Your statement: "true love is not a sexual thing" is very true. It's is an important ingredient for us to consider in working through our struggles, for we know that our abuse was a sexual thing for our perpetrators, but a betrayal of trust, pure abuse to us as young people who were not ready to be sexualized.

Thank you for giving me so much to think about.

Peace,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#163585 - 06/27/07 12:21 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
terpprm Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/15/07
Posts: 312
Loc: Elyria, Ohio
i just started talking to her two weeks ago tonight about it. she also has been raped by her two previous boyfriends. which i knew, but i never told her about me. she understands about how i sometimes doubt my straightness, but at the same time is scared. both of us are really, but i can see why she is. i'd be scared too!


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#163589 - 06/27/07 12:26 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: terpprm]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: terpprm

true love is not a sexual thing.


So true!

_________________________
Eddie

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#163602 - 06/27/07 02:16 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
REJ,

Originally Posted By: trusty
I don't want my wife to be constantly asking me if I'm having these thoughts; she can be sure that I will have them, because I always have. I told my wife this last night. She responded that she would prefer to have a fully heterosexual mate who only thinks about her. She is willing to try to make this work, however, because our daughter has two more years of high school. I don't know what to think about that. So, we'll keep working on it.


Your wife might be helped by considering the fact that most people are not absolutely gay or absolutely straight in the first place, so the exclusivity she wants in thought as well as deed is likely to be disappointed whoever she happens to be with. The difference is just that you are learning to be so much more honest about it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#163754 - 06/27/07 10:16 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
Russ2 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 77
Trusty, a little something for your wife...

http://www.straightspouse.org/


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#163761 - 06/27/07 10:42 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: Russ2]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Russ2,
Thanks much. It looks great, and she's in a very good place tonight to be ready to check this out. We've made huge progress on our future together today.

Thanks,
REJ


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#171083 - 08/05/07 11:32 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
REJ,
My heart breaks for you. Your struggles are huge and you articulate everything so well amidst such great pain and confusion. I was abused (between ages 7-11 as best I can recall) by an older brother and although I am not married I traditionally sought out older guys. More recently, it is anyone who is male. I hate the urges to act out because I crash with anxiety, guilt and shame. I have learned my attractions are not so much about the sex as they are about male affection and attention. There is apparently something psychologically soothing and affirming that I have value when I act out sexually with men. It is a distortion and a lie in my case and may be with you as well. I cannot say. I am sure I am gay, and the cause is not at issue FOR ME. MY reasons for sharing those details is in the hope that perhaps you may see some of the same parallels. Seeing similarities so we know we are not alone is helpful ffor me at least. (The great equalizer)

I am thinking that you might try a temporary seperation to test the waters to see if you are gay. That would be a lot to ask your wife but trials can make some sense. Of course it is not an easy decision but this sounds so difficult and you have carried a burden for so long. (I almost wonder if the OCD, is not a result of the abuse as a coping mechanism). Children do adjust and they will love you anyway. My past partner had a boy and girl who loved him. The daughter especially but the boy was distant. Age has a lot to do with it. However, children adjust and they love thier parents unless you were a parent from hell which you do not sound like it.

I also recommend if you do begin to pursue gay men, that you try making friendships with at least one gay man and try to keep it platonic for support. The gay world can be shallow and only about hookups in certain circles and that might end up being more dangerous and devestating to you. There is certainly a great deal at stake here, but I encourage you to follow your instincts but also try to have a plan and do everything with balance.
I will recall you and all my brothers in prayer and especially today at Mass. I will watch other postings from you and wish you the best on your journey of finding yourself. In the process, I hope you heal too.
Be well, be safe.
Peace ,
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#171186 - 08/05/07 07:16 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: Danbuff]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear Dan,
Thanks very much for your post. Much has happened for me in the past few months. Nothing has settled, unfortunately. My wife and I are in a constant state of turmoil. We have finally begun joint marriage counseling, and were encouraged by our therapist to slow things down. Part of our trouble is wrapped up in our daughters' lives. We do not want to hurt them. Part of our trouble is wrapped up in the fact that we do love each other, but we are not in love the way were were years ago.

Because of my level of stress, I resigned my position last week. I'm still in my job, but it is different in that I'm not in charge of 50 or so workers any longer. We're hoping that will allow me some brain space to keep working on the abuse and my sexuality issues.

The tension is so high in our house that you can cut it with a knife. My wife and I were inches away from declaring a total loss on the relationship and starting divorce proceedings. But, we're trying to see if we can make things work out. I'm certain that I am gay, but, having dealt with it in one way for almost 50 years, I'm trying to determine what to do now, this late in life.

Dan, thanks for noting the parallels between us. Your advice to seek friendships for platonic support is right on target. And, what I'm eager for male affection, attention, and a relationship...not just a sexual relationship. It's tough for me right now, as I'm truly split in two. But, I've got a great therapist who is helping me on a weekly basis.

My OCD, by the way, is definitely related to trying to cope with the abuse, and the sexuality issues, and the guilt over not having been fully truthful to my wife when we fell in love. OCD is also partially biological, so I'm attempting to deal with it with some pretty heavy meds. This is all still a toss-up as to whether it is working or not.

Thanks for your good wishes.

REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#172085 - 08/09/07 08:10 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
check out this site.

http://www.gaychristian.net

beyondexgay.com

regardless if you fit into these categories i think they can be helpful to you. there are many guys and women who have been in yhour shoes. there are even women who are in your wives place... i suggest asking their insight as well

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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