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#162339 - 06/19/07 03:25 PM First timer...please help me out.
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Hello everyone. I have experienced the most difficult time of my life over the last three months. I'm 49 years old, married, father of two wonderful girls (high school and college), and my wife and I are about to mark our 25 anniversary.

My CSA: I was abused repeatedly (probably 15 times) at age 6 or 7 by my oldest brother. He's 10 years older than me. I've thought I was gay all my life. I never had sex with anyone until I met my wife. I thought it was a miracle. She's beautiful, talented, intelligent, loving. But, I have had sexual urges for college-age guys my whole life. I've been quite obsessed by these thoughts for years, and in the last six months, I've been completely overwhelmed by the desire to have sex with a man. (Before I met my wife in college, I got off with a guy one time. It was great.)

I have had OCD forever. My compulsion involves counting. I count everything...objects, stripes on the highway, picture frames, license plates...all day everyday.

I told my wife about my abuse 16 years ago, after she asked me, "Are you comfortable with your sexuality." I didn't tell her I was gay then, just that I was abused. After 14 years and much therapy, I finally confronted my brother. He said he was sorry, but in the almost three years since, he has done absolutely nothing to reach back to me. So, two months ago I wrote him a letter, spelling everything out, and sent it to all of my siblings. (I'm the youngest of 8 children.) They have all gotten together to meet and lovingly confront him about what he did to me. I did not attend.

Sorry this is so long. To wrap up...I'm leaning toward wanting to act on my gay feelings, and my wife knows this. We're absolutely torn up about possibly divorcing. I don't want to devastate our girls, but I am so ripped to pieces inside. I have just returned to work after 10 weeks of being off because of anxiety attacks. It's tough. I love her, but I truly think I'm gay. My therapist is fantastic and she's trying to get me to see that I have to do what will make me happy, no matter how hard it will be initially for my family.

I'm on huge doses of antidepressants for my anxiety, depression, and OCD. Yet, I'm still depressed.

Please help me with your thoughts.

REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#162360 - 06/19/07 06:37 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
REJ - I empathize with your anxiety and confusion. There was a time I was convinced I was gay - and it almost destroyed my marriage. We're still not on "stable ground" but things are getting better.

For me - the question came whether I was just craving "acting out" or if I truly was gay. And that's a question, at least at this point, I can't answer. Since it could just be the heavy desire to act out - I'm not doing anything towards it.

My wife remains at my side. She has been a great strength to me, even when she thought she should leave - our friendship has brought us through some rough times. When I've wanted out of the marriage the most is typically when I wanted to either act out - or just run away from everything.

I can't say what's going to be right for you. I can say that the antidepressants help me a little - my wife, my T - and this place help me more.

My heart aches for you - I hope and pray for peace - whatever your decisions may be. Know you're not alone. I would just caution against any sudden changes...

Marc

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#162406 - 06/19/07 11:45 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. *DELETED* [Re: trusty]
krayoss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 112
Loc: west
Post deleted by krayoss


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#162418 - 06/20/07 02:06 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: krayoss]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Hi REJ

Many of us know exactly what you are talking about. I have been married for almost 10 years now and through the years I took the way of acting out. Today I am still paying for that decision. My wife still do not know about it and I will have my 6 month aniversary of not acting out soon. I must be honset, it feels great.

Does that mean the urges are not there any more? No, I struggle with it still but I had to make a decision what means most to me. My sanity and my family or doing something that can ultimately cost me everything. I acted out because of one simple reason and that was to get the affection and ?love? of a man. Unfortunatley the only way to get that was to have sex.

Do not make a hasty decision. I believe having the urges does not mean you are gay. You should decide what weighs most in your life, counting the cost and then decide.

Best of luck to you my friend, I know it is never easy.

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#162463 - 06/20/07 10:50 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pietie]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
REJ,

I understand your angst at the feelings you have inside of you. As Marc has suggested, this desire to “act out” is more than likely what’s going on. The fact that it’s with other males does not by that virtue make you gay – just like being abused by another male doesn’t mean you are gay. Likewise, and this is a bazaar but true one, males who abuse other males are not necessarily gay. Abuse is about power not sex; but let’s put that one aside for another decade or lifetime!

I can relate to what I’d refer to as your “triggers”. This same group of males trigger me most often as well. You said:
Quote:
I have had sexual urges for college-age guys my whole life


The dots all lined up when I read this about you. You said you were aged 6-7 when abused and your brother was 10 years older. That made him a “college-age guy”. Is it any wonder you are triggered by “college-age guys”?

Certainly what I’ve learnt with working with my therapist is that guys the age of my brother when he abused me are my biggest triggers. Second are guys who remind me of me when I was younger. Other things trigger me also but these are the biggies for me. Sounds like they are for you too.

So, my thoughts (IMHO) are that this is not so much about gay feelings but it’s about being triggered and then wanting to act out. The lie of course is that acting out helps. ZZZ on the buzzer! Acting out doesn’t help but knowing that doesn’t stop the triggering nor the thoughts about acting out – whatever acting out means to you.

Try and work on this with your T if you can. You may get some different perspectives on it all.

Take care.


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#162466 - 06/20/07 11:09 AM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pietie]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
This thread is an EXCELLENT example of how the categories of gay or straight are so harmful to our sense of self, and to our society.

The drive to be sexual is one of our most powerful (the desire to eat and drink are before this), and it does not include the desire to "reproduce". It only provides the desire to connect with another human being.

The gender of the partner that excites us is inconsequential, and I think (and I hope) as time goes on we are going to see many more people who are happy to experience attraction to both genders, and are even eager to make it a positive experience either way.

I know it's very difficult guys, but I don't think it's healthy to try and determine which label goes on you, but maybe perhaps focus on what you want out of life, even if that means at any given moment.

I don't know how to "undo" the stigma that society (mostly religion) has created, so I just share this as an idea.

Best of luck fellas.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#162472 - 06/20/07 12:12 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: cbfull]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Thanks for the encouragement, all. I certainly do hear you, Craig, and I agree that labels are not important. I have told my wife that no matter what comes to pass, I think I will continue to have the desire to be with men because I always have. What I'm grappling with is the pain I'm causing her, and the pain I know I will potentially cause my daughters. They are all I'm worried about. I don't give a rip about what the rest of the world thinks, including my siblings, if I decide to live the rest of my life with a male partner. My T has made it clear to me that she prefers not to work on finding a label for me to be comfortable with. She wants me to be comfortable with myself. I'm simply torn about how I can move toward a resolution in my heart and head.

Thanks,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#162491 - 06/20/07 02:20 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
REJ,

Well...I know how you feel..I was there 2 years ago. I never acted out when I was married. I knew I couldnt hurt my ex-wife that way. I loved her but not like I should.

I too am attracted to college age guys...which makes no sense because I was never abused by college aged guys. I am attracted to both guys and girls.

This "issue" you have is an extremely tough one, this is how I handled it, that does not mean I am suggesting this for your situation. I was married for 8 yesrs and have a daughter. I stayed with my ex-wife because of my daughter for along time...all the time supressing my sexual urges toward guys. During this whole time I was miserable and I fought with my ex-wife constantly. This led me to my ultimate decision, to come out. I watch, at the age of 4, my daughter go from a happy go lucky...happy girl to a shutoff, solumn little girl. At that point I realized that my relationship issues with my ex-wife were affecting my daughter. It then became evident that staying married was worse for my daughter then spliting up. It was a leap but I told my ex-wife and told her parents. Came out to my family...my daughter...everyone.

Honestly it was the best decision I ever made. Yes, I dont have custody of my daughter and that kills me everyday, but now I know that she wont grow up thinking our dysfunctional family is normal. I wanted her to see what a loving and caring relationship was about.

She is great with everything, she is now 7 and we are closer than ever. She thinks its full I like boys and one fo the most amazing thing happenned the other day. We were in the grocery store and the regular check out lady asked me on a date, with my daughter there. She looked right at her and said "Hey leave me daddy alone...he likes boys and hes proud of it." WOW..

Sincerely,
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#162495 - 06/20/07 02:41 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: pain4ever]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Hi, Brian,

I think part of the pain for my wife and me is the fact that our daughters have seen their friends' parents get divorced, and we've always shown ourselves to our kids as truly loving people...no fighting, etc. ever.

What we do, especially in the last three months since I've told my wife I am gay, is wait until they are out of the house, and talk, talk, talk about our situation, and cry our eyes out. (I've cried more in the last three months than in the rest of my entire life.) Two nights ago, I got hysterically emotional about all this while my 16 year old daughter was home, and I ran to my bathroom, turned on the exhaust fan, and wept deeply. My wife discovered me there 20 minutes later and consoled me.

I guess we're on this emotional rollercoaster, and we have to stay strong until the ride stops before making any decision. My wife used to beg me to decide. Now she's giving me the patient routine, being rather lovey-dovey, like that's going to win me over. It only feels patronizing, and makes it worse.

To top it all off, I'm on such a high dose of the meds, I don't really have much of a sex drive. But I'm still looking at every cute guy that passes by, wishing they were mine. And, the age issue (I'm 49) makes it all really ridiculous. That's why I get so low that I don't want to be around. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks,
REJ

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#162497 - 06/20/07 02:52 PM Re: First timer...please help me out. [Re: trusty]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
REJ,

I get ya...I am 30 and luckily there are a lot of cute younger gay guys that have a thing for guys that are older...LOL Sorry I shouldnt laugh but its true.

Yes you are in a tough situation but I thought about it like this...I knew I would eventually come out and i didnt want to teach my daughter that lying about who you are is okay. So if I had waited till she was 18...I thought she would hate me for lying for so long.

To me coming out was a great resolution to the problem but THATS ME. Not you...you have to decide what is important to you. I know that I am now happier than I have ever been and I am truely in love for the first time in my adult life.

I understand about the patronizing thing though...Its too fake...my ex-wife did that.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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