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#161944 - 06/16/07 10:23 PM Did I mess up?
want2help Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 25
Loc: WV
I read a lot on here and valuable the information I read, trying to apply it to my situation as it is. Brief history first, almost 3 yrs ago, met and fell in love with the most wonderful guy, planned for future, totally intertwined with my family - functions, ballgames, holidays...you get the picture. He was very upbeat, loving, communicative the first few months. It was like a switch went off and he became distant, depressed, and would come in and out of our lives.

Last spring he checked out and I let him go. He established some contact and December came back asking what I needed to get through this. We had couple counseling sessions but not enough that he started talking about himself. He's been back and forth for the last few several months, but still standoffish. Last month, he helped with my daughter's high school grad party (they were very close). Couple weeks ago, we talked about things, about how sometimes someone outside the situation could see things more clearly - he's just described something like this at work that he could see happening but the other person wouldn't listen so he acknowledge that he understood what I was saying. He asked if I was okay with him working on his issues alone, which I said yes.

So, I've left him be, no contact other than mailed him a birthday card and emailed a group of family/friends that would want to know something that happened while my daughter was on senior trip. That's where I'm wondering if I'd messed up, should I have called and asked him to dinner? I had him a gift which I hadn't mailed yet but today he'd called and needed something out of my garage, so I left it there for him. I thought I was respecting the distance he indicated he needed. He called after he picked up the items and asked what I needed to resolve or get release from this, said he things it's what he wants and what is needed. I asked if it was because I'd left him a gift, which he claims he didn't even see. I replied if he wanted me out of his life, I would do so.

He was on his way to an out of town birthday dinner a friend's mother was having in his honor. Trouble is, that same friend was part of the reason he disappeared last spring, claimed she had answers and from what I understand, tried to get him for herself. He told me he was going and coming home tonight (staying over was a big issue between us last year when he first went to see her after 25 yrs of no contact - they were childhood friends). Anyway, I don't know that he's interested in her, but he thinks she's worthy of trust because they're only friends and she's an evangelist and so much Godly wisdom. I think she's using her religion falsely and will someday pay for that.

He said we'd talk tomorrow, I'm thinking why bother if he's already made up his mind. When we talk, he's usually defensive and I feel he thinks I'm trying to control the situation. I love him dearly and I have turned it over to God to handle, sometimes I too have difficulty in knowing if it's hearing God's guidance or just my own desires. Guess I'm looking for some guidance as to whether he engage in conversation with him.


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#162034 - 06/17/07 07:18 PM Re: Did I mess up? [Re: want2help]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear W2H:

Hi. I can certainly feel the weight of distress from your post. Sometimes it all seems like one huge balancing act. Trying to support a survivor, trying to convey just how much they mean to us/how much we care for them...trying not to freak them out in the process and they fall into a great withdraw. Unfortunately, there are times what we want does not necessarily mesh with what is going on with the survivor. We do our best to be considerate and sometimes it is the right thing to do, sometimes everything crashes all around us.

I think no matter what if we just keep on going with our lives, to let them know we respect their space and are there if they need us while they walk the path to heal, that they will eventually see that we are in fact, on their side and join up with us further down the road.

Might I recommend the new book, "If the Man you Love was Abused." (available through the Amazon links on Male Survivor) It is very insightful and it goes into specific detail on what exactly the partner/girlfriend/spouse of a survivor can do to look after their own needs at this time. I'm just to the end of the book and I believe it is a "must read." Any insight to me is of great value especially when we face the dips in the valley of this experience.

Take care of yourself W2H.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#162286 - 06/19/07 08:47 AM Re: Did I mess up? [Re: sweet-n-sour]
want2help Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 25
Loc: WV
Just a follow-up. Thank you who responded, I had a couple PMs. He did call and we did talk, I'd told myself to just say there was nothing more to talk about since it sounded as if he'd already decided. But, I didn't. Instead I listened to him and attempted to help him see it differently. I know that doesn't work so why do I keep trying. Anyway, I ended with the way I see it he asks me what I need to release this and I say that I need us to go through counseling to at least end with healthy emotions, yet he says he's not willing to do that and calls it being stubborn or whatever because he's not willing to do what I want then why ask me. It's within his ability but he's not willing so I don't see where he's being caring or respectful (his words that he didn't want to be seen as a total prick). My final words were probably something like you have the right to do whatever you want so do whatever you think you should. He keeps blaming it on the issues between us which were his feelings of insecurity and inadequacy after reading a private entries in my journal (which he snooped to find) that were written months to years before we met and then was crushed by them, thinking he didn't live up to the images he read. My contention is that if the issues of insecurity and inadequancies weren't already there, he would not have snooped for one, and secondly even if he was curious and read, they would not have impacted him in the same manner. He says he can see what I'm saying but doesn't want to do it my way. I told him it sounds like I see more value in him and us than he does and I'm disappointed that he's not willing to work through it.

I will not contact him unless there's an emergency situation I feel he needed to know about. He's rented (very cheaply) my garage for storage of his motorcycle, jet ski, and sports car, all of which he has at his place for the summer. I guess that part stinks because he even bought a boat for us the first summer we were together. I helped him get it on the river last month and less than two weeks ago he asked me to give him a ride to get his MC. So, I feel I've been used, he says not, but how do you see it? I'm trusted enough to store the stuff but won't have the pleasure of sharing the summer fun because he doesn't feel his physique is macho enough in comparison to my past men. I've read the books suggested and they've been helpful in understanding and I think they would be helpful in a committed relationship. I don't feel I have that and not sure to handle things if he does contact me again.

So, my thoughts are that maybe he's close to disclosing his abuse so he's withdrawing from me again to avoid it.(I know about it through a family member but he denied it when I asked if it was possible). He emailed yesterday to ask something about my daughter. Then he sent another one asking about me and p.s. tell Mark (there is no mark) hello for me. I responded to the daughter questions and told him that I'd rather have no correspondence right now because it is too painful. He's done this before and insinuates that our relationship is so casual that he can urge me to date and he's okay with it. If he is meant to be in my life, God will bring him around. Otherwise, I'm back to working on things I want to do on my own and I've decided I will start dating, although my heart is not in it. But, I think it's what I need to do. Thanks for letting me share.


W2H


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#162355 - 06/19/07 05:56 PM Re: Did I mess up? [Re: want2help]
want2help Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 25
Loc: WV
Why does he do this, just to get under my skin? He sent a text then called to tell me he left the rent check for the garage in the garage. He had also left his birthday gift, his key, and a file of emails and other correspondence saying that if I wanted to read it maybe it would help understand how hurt he's been. He added that he could get through all of this but he 'chooses' not to. I take that as a slap in the face saying that our relationship wasn't valuable enough to work on and also that is his way of letting me know that he is in complete control. I understand the control issue but to outright say he just doesn't want to work thru it seems really cruel to my emotions. And does he really want me to understand his hurt or is he trying to justify his skipping out? It's been an emotional day, I know I shouldn't let it get to me but it did today. However, I'm standing firm on not responding and not reading the correspondence file he left. Why should I when I'm the only one that cares about our relationship, or lack thereof.


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#170740 - 08/03/07 02:02 PM Re: Did I mess up? [Re: want2help]
want2help Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/09/07
Posts: 25
Loc: WV
Well, it hardly seems real to me but today I heard from a family member that he up and married someone about a week ago, someone he barely knew. Their opinion of the new wife is that she's after his money and he's still hasn't addressed any of his issues. It hasn't really sunk in yet, I feel I've been waiting for his integrity to kick in, to admit he needed professional counseling, and to come back when he was ready. I know God has a great plan for my life, I felt this man was in it, now I'm wondering where it's all going. Has this ever happened to anyone else???
W2H


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