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#161836 - 06/16/07 11:46 AM Re: Victims No Longer Review [Re: alexey]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I'm half-way through the book now. MOST of the book does not apply to me, (incest, violence in the household, etc.) But there ARE a FEW things in the book that accurately describe the choices that I've made and the patterns of living that I've taken since my abuse. It has helped me to understand that IT ONLY TAKES ONE OF THESE effects to cripple you. I have underlined only a few sentences in the book (as opposed to Robbie who told me that he's underlined almost the ENTIRE book).

Some notable lines that apply to me as follows:

1. Loss of the opportunity to learn. Childhood play is more than frivolous enjoyment. In every society children learn through play. Childhood games incorporate cultural values. IN THE COURSE OF THEIR GAMES, CHILDREN LEARN TO UNDERSTAND AND TAKE CHARGE OF THEIR ENVIRONMENT. THEY LEARN COMMUNICATION, COOPERATION, COMPETITION, PROBLEM SOLVING, COORDINATION, MOTOR SKILLS, CREATIVITY, "AGE-APPROPRIATE" AND "GENDER-APPROPRIATE" BEHAVIOR, AND THEY SHARE INFORMATION. THROUGH THEIR GAMES CHILDREN HELP ONE ANOTHER TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE WORLD IS ALL ABOUT. FILTERED THROUGH THE LENS OF ABUSE, THE SURVIVOR'S PICTURE OF THE WORLD IS CLOUDED. HAVING BEEN ROBBED OF THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN AS OTHER CHILDREN DO, THE ADULT SURVIVOR FEELS NAIVE, STUPID, AND SOCIALLY INEPT. HE FEELS HE MUST ALWAYS PLAY CATCH-UP WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE LEARNED TO NEGOTIATE THE WORLD SUCCESSFULLY.

2. Loss of control over one's own body. A survivor can become inflexible, controlling, and suspicious, or (me) helpless and indecisive.

3. The world of the sexually abused boy is confusing. He feels that everyone else was issued a "rule book for living" and he never got one. Other people appear confident in their opinions and perceptions. They seem to move powerfully in the world, secure in word and action. The sexually abused boy feels he will never be a confident about ANYTHING as other appear to be about EVERYTHING.


Only a few more, but I think you get the main points.


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#161908 - 06/16/07 06:00 PM Re: Victims No Longer Review [Re: Hauser]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Hell H, if i was starting over, I'd highlight only the parts that dont apply to me. It would have save me a few highlighters.

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#163047 - 06/23/07 02:06 PM Re: Victims No Longer Review [Re: Still]
philobat Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/31/07
Posts: 293
Loc: California
Hauser-

I know how you feel. I started reading the book 9 years ago and threw it off my balcony in frustration and rage. I just didn't get it at the time. For me- I was still in survivor mode and didn't know it. Victim mode is the necessary step from survival mode to recovery mode. I could not wrap my head around that at the time and threw VNL off a very high balcony- and didn't read again for a very long time.

I finally landed a a good therapist who helped me to understand the steps toward self-discovery that eventually jump started true recovery. True recovery is real and not that metaphysical mumbo-jumbo or what I call the feel-good band-aid. Its a sweet seemingly spiritual solution that never goes deep enough to even come close to the original wounds. In the long run it creates a hell of a lot more damage- but in the meantime it makes others around us feel more comfortable (fuckers!).

The Grief Recovery Handbook:

http://www.grief-recovery.com/

This book and site is what my therapist referred me to which began a journey of understanding for me that helped me change my perspective and motivated my actions toward recovery.

Grief is the most misunderstood process in which even non-abused people have little knowledge of- yet grief is the leading cause of many negative emotions, feelings, and perceptions. We are never taught how to deal with grief.

We are told things like, "Get over it" "you are better off without them in your life" and whole bunch of other crap that only serves to delay the grief process- which is vital in being able to move on in life.

Even today, many CSA therapists mention healthy grieving but offer little if any information about it- this is another reason I am not so big on therapy!

The book and site I mention goes into explicit detail of what grief is- how it effects us, and gives many suggestions on how to begin the processing of it. The awesome part of it is- its our process and there is no time limit- it is what it is. Its is a fascinating subject and I found for me- it was a primary reason I was stuck- now 9 years later I am un-stuck and moving on to the next level.

I relate to much of the info in Victims No Longer- because I realize it is about breaking patterns and cycles of surviving CSA issues- but before this can take place I had to see myself as a victim first. This left me extremely vulnerable- which had always been a place where I was attacked and hurt.

It required much courage and bravery to look at myself as a victim, and it helped that I had someone with me when I went there. Once in this place- the book Victims No Longer begins to reveal the way out of victimization via recovery, rather than survival. Letting go of survival skills was scary and seemed impossible because they were tools that had gotten me this far in life- so as best I could I let go a little more each day and practiced some healthier suggestions. This is not easy, but it is worth it- and it is easier if you can find someone to trust to walk with you through some of it.

See, most people begin their day with a "To Do List". I began my day with "Battle Plans"! These are two very different things!

Just remember Hauser- this is your recovery- not mine and not anyone else's- its yours.

I suggest reading The Grief Recovery Handbook only because it helped me so much. But hey, thats my recovery and I can only share what worked for me. VNL made more sense and I related much more after reading Grief Recovery.

I wish you a safe journey into recovery.

Much love,

-Philobat


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#163399 - 06/26/07 12:06 AM Re: Victims No Longer Review [Re: philobat]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1238
Loc: NY
It was the first book that I had ever bought on the subject, so for me it was like a manual.
It served as a guide, and explained to me why I acted they way I did, it also made me feel that what I was experiencing was very typical and not crasy and irational, before I read about it.

Sure, some of the book did not apply to me, but as a whole, I found it to be very helpful and informative, sheading so much light into what made me tick and set me off and triggered me, etc.

It basically gave me insight into where to begin, sinjce it was so forien to me and started to loose control of my thoughts and the nightmares and stuff like that and very importantly let me in on what I may begin to feel later as this progressed-thank god for that, such as the feelings and the amount of fragility I may (and now) have.

anyway, I guess its different strokes for differnt folks, so if this book is not helpful, go and look at some other ones. I'm sure that there's some out there that can be of some guidence or help.



Edited by Logan (06/26/07 12:08 AM)
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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