I know how you feel. I started reading the book 9 years ago and threw it off my balcony in frustration and rage. I just didn't get it at the time. For me- I was still in survivor mode and didn't know it. Victim mode is the necessary step from survival mode to recovery mode. I could not wrap my head around that at the time and threw VNL off a very high balcony- and didn't read again for a very long time.
I finally landed a a good therapist who helped me to understand the steps toward self-discovery that eventually jump started true recovery. True recovery is real and not that metaphysical mumbo-jumbo or what I call the feel-good band-aid. Its a sweet seemingly spiritual solution that never goes deep enough to even come close to the original wounds. In the long run it creates a hell of a lot more damage- but in the meantime it makes others around us feel more comfortable (fuckers!).
The Grief Recovery Handbook:http://www.grief-recovery.com/
This book and site is what my therapist referred me to which began a journey of understanding for me that helped me change my perspective and motivated my actions toward recovery.
Grief is the most misunderstood process in which even non-abused people have little knowledge of- yet grief is the leading cause of many negative emotions, feelings, and perceptions. We are never taught how to deal with grief.
We are told things like, "Get over it" "you are better off without them in your life" and whole bunch of other crap that only serves to delay the grief process- which is vital in being able to move on in life.
Even today, many CSA therapists mention healthy grieving but offer little if any information about it- this is another reason I am not so big on therapy!
The book and site I mention goes into explicit detail of what grief is- how it effects us, and gives many suggestions on how to begin the processing of it. The awesome part of it is- its our process and there is no time limit- it is what it is. Its is a fascinating subject and I found for me- it was a primary reason I was stuck- now 9 years later I am un-stuck and moving on to the next level.
I relate to much of the info in Victims No Longer- because I realize it is about breaking patterns and cycles of surviving CSA issues- but before this can take place I had to see myself as a victim first. This left me extremely vulnerable- which had always been a place where I was attacked and hurt.
It required much courage and bravery to look at myself as a victim, and it helped that I had someone with me when I went there. Once in this place- the book Victims No Longer begins to reveal the way out of victimization via recovery, rather than survival. Letting go of survival skills was scary and seemed impossible because they were tools that had gotten me this far in life- so as best I could I let go a little more each day and practiced some healthier suggestions. This is not easy, but it is worth it- and it is easier if you can find someone to trust to walk with you through some of it.
See, most people begin their day with a "To Do List". I began my day with "Battle Plans"! These are two very different things!
Just remember Hauser- this is your recovery- not mine and not anyone else's- its yours.
I suggest reading The Grief Recovery Handbook only because it helped me so much. But hey, thats my recovery and I can only share what worked for me. VNL made more sense and I related much more after reading Grief Recovery.
I wish you a safe journey into recovery.