Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
biggbill70 (44), CP4 (24), EddieMi (46), EddieT (46), hemi1024 (54), Kage (70), kdj_74 (40), Knightswhitehart (49), otlhouston (47), TX_Space (47), VirtualBman (50)
Who's Online
4 registered (don64, Obi, 2 invisible), 38 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63793 Topics
445492 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#161638 - 06/14/07 10:48 PM How do you let the people in your life know...
Arjay369 Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/10/07
Posts: 3
Loc: Georgia, USA
...that it's not them? That the things you're dealing with can be so overwhelming, seem so heavy on your shoulders that it seems to weigh you down? In the passed few days, I've become quite depressed, so much so that I've cried three times yesterday. It's not often that this happens (at least to this extent), but it does happen. I can't be one of the shiny, happy people all the time.

So how do you let them know? How do you tell them, just hold me...no hanky panky or sexual stuff whatsoever, if you love me then just hold me? How do you tell them that if you're in a foul mood or are visibly working thru anger, to let you alone and allow you to be angry? How do you tell them it's not their touch you're flinching from...that your nerves are so stretched, so taught, so wired that any sensation is just uncomfortable? How do you tell them all of this without them feeling pushed aside?

Sometimes I feel alone, that I don't know snyone whose been through as much as I have. And sometimes, although it's certainly not a good thing to think, I just wish there was someone I could relate to. Just someone I can bounce my thoughts off of without feeling like it's taboo or that I'm being burdensome. I realise there are different points or levels or whatever to each person's recovery and I've still got a ways to go.

Right now, it seems that I just want to talk and talk and talk until I've finally got the feeling someone has listened to the little boy who was hurt. That someone cares and will do something to help. But at the same time, I'm grown up and I've got to deal with it myself. And all of this, along with the hurt and the pain and the fear, is just making me want to scream and to cry until there's nothing left or I've cried enough. And the pressure to keep moving forward is just this weight on my chest.

I just really wish I had some way of conveying this intelligently. It's like 'touch me, but don't touch me' or 'touch me, but tread carefully'. There's so much to it. I really don't know how to explain. Well, that and I'm tired and typing at 10:45pm. It's just sometimes I need emotional support, I need someone there for me. I can't be others' support all the time, I need my own as well. Like I said, I can't be one of the shiny happy people 24/7. I went through the abuse for three years, it's not going away anytime soon.

_________________________
Expect the unexpected, accept the unaccepted.

Top
#161646 - 06/14/07 11:30 PM Re: How do you let the people in your life know... [Re: Arjay369]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Arjay369,

In my opinion, you did a very good job of conveying your point in this post.

I also feel very alone, sometimes, but I log on to MS and just talk...talk...and talk.

That's what this site is for, and feel free to do so. Many of us are willing to listen.

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

Top
#161759 - 06/15/07 08:23 PM Re: How do you let the people in your life know... [Re: Arjay369]
WesQ Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/10/07
Posts: 31
Loc: Norcross, Georgia, USA
Well, know one thing. You are loved no matter your past. you are cherished, no matter your past. If you need time to yourself and no one else around, just say it. I am sorry you have been going thru a rough spot lately. I wish I could help, but anything you ask of me, I will do to the best of my ability.

Remember, I love you!

Love
Wes

_________________________
" You gotta make your own kind of music
Sing your own special song
Make your own kind music
Even if nobody else sings along"

From "Make Your Own Kind of Music" by Mama Cass Elliott of the Mamas and Papas

Top
#164496 - 07/02/07 05:33 PM Re: How do you let the people in your life know... [Re: WesQ]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
RJ,

Does knowing you're not alone help in any way?

As Kayross said, there are so many layers of issues that we have to deal with, it can seem overwhelming.

I know how it feels to flinch when my lover touches me; not because I'm repulsed (I'm not) and not because I don't want him to (I do, desperately). I flinch because it's a Trigger. I have to consciously will myself to relax and just enjoy it. I know he's not trying to "use" me; I truly believe he loves me. So it's not his fault that I tense up - it's mine.

I know how it feels to not be able to fuck him hard when we both know that's exactly what we want. It's not because I'm not attracted to him (he's a very attractive man), and it's not because I have some repressed homophobic attitude against having sex with another man. It's because this is another Trigger, reminding me of what was done to me when I DIDN'T want it and wasn't ready for it. Consciously I know it would be alright with him, (in fact, it would be GREAT for both of us on sooo many different levels), but subconsciously I have this "thing" in the back of my mind reminding me of things that should never have happened to me and that I wish I could forget.

I could go on, but I know you know what I'm talking about. You're not the only one who's been through a lot. This is my first post here, and soon enough I'll get around to telling my story if anybody's interested. In the meantime, all I can say is that you have to tell your partner that it's not about them, and explain why. It will be hard for anybody who hasn't been there to understand why you can't just "deal with it" and get on with your life, but we know it's not that easy. If he's a good man (or she's a good woman, whichever the case may be) he'll be understanding and supportive.

But no one, not you and certainly not the people you love, should have to put up with this forever. The "it's not you, it's me" excuse only placates for a little while if there is no evidence of an attempt to solve the problem. And, taking all the blame yourself can't be helping your own self-esteem. In this, I am speaking from experience.

So once you've told them why you have this "problem" you should be prepared to also tell them what you're doing about it, and if they ask you how they can help, tell them honestly. It may be that you need some space. It may be that you just need more affection without pressure. It may be that you need someone to talk to without judging you. (If you're like me, you already do all the judging anyone could ever need.) However, you my friend have to take the bull by the horns. Don't cry, don't panic, don't make excuses; just the honest reasons and the honest reactions.

I don't know where the solution to our mutual problem lies, but I now that this discussion board is a step in the right direction. Wherever it may lead, it certainly won't hurt. I wish you the best of luck in finding your answers.

Ric

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

Top
#164501 - 07/02/07 06:20 PM Re: How do you let the people in your life know... [Re: Lazarus]
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
Lazarus, sounds as if you have indeed been raised from the dead and returned to the light of sanity, at least the wisdom to be aware of problem and solutions. Silence kills the soul.

Sanity varies. What is mine, others call lunacy but I don't care. I am the one who lives in my mind and body these days. I took down the 'room for rent' sign a while ago. Sometimes I forget and my pooch Nemo pisses on my foot to remind me. Kind of nasty,and wet, but that's what it takes.

froggy

_________________________
??

Top
#164913 - 07/05/07 01:50 PM Re: How do you let the people in your life know... [Re: froggy12]
peacefulhealing Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/20/04
Posts: 9
it doesn't seem like there's a problem at all, with any one of you. Those "it shouldn't have happened to me" is that really the case? Because it did happen, and that's now the reality, that's part of the experience. So everything that comes with that experience, be it guilt, shame, laughability, pain, lust, sexual perversion, depression, anger, fear...all of it is a treasure we can work with. That is what makes this journey so worthwhile...to some...because it is the triumphs, it is that struggle that makes us weak and also strong. There is not always an easy path, for anyone, and if we look deep enough into everyone we think is "happy" all the time or doesn't have any struggles...that the biggest misperception of them all. I wouldn't trade in my life...all of it has been worth it. I have plenty of sorrow, plenty of anger and shame and regret, and times where I just don't feel like I'm gonna make it...and those are the times I can really grow. I can really make a difference in myself and the world. I can find creative ways into solving or remedying my aches and pains...and sometimes it is just to feel, to be there with it. To awaken to it, and all that is a part of my life. I have to say as well, maybe the people we are with aren't capable of listening, I've put my energy into listening to others, but not into seeking people or environments that are conducive to listening to me. Meditation has been extremely helpful, i'm not just talking about sitting on the floor before a shrine, i'm talking about meditating in my daily life. I'm talking about turning down the noise outside, and bringing attention to what is happening inside. Sometimes I literally just close my door so I can listen to myself, so I can be there for myself, and not to worry about communicating my pains to others...that will come in time, if it is even necessary by then. First, stop, pay head to that voice that is calling you. Just do that. That is most important.


Top
#164919 - 07/05/07 02:02 PM Re: How do you let the people in your life know... [Re: peacefulhealing]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: peacefulhealing
..... That is what makes this journey so worthwhile...to some...because it is the triumphs, it is that struggle that makes us weak and also strong .....First, stop, pay head to that voice that is calling you. Just do that. That is most important.


I couldn't agree more. Thanx for sharing that!

M


Top
#165070 - 07/06/07 08:24 AM Re: How do you let the people in your life know... [Re: peacefulhealing]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Originally Posted By: peacefulhealing
it doesn't seem like there's a problem at all, with any one of you.


I appreciate your saying that. I'm glad that you have reached an inner peace - it gives me hope. I wish I was where you are...

Arjay, you are not alone. We can all relate to you. And this is certainly a place where you can express your feelings without taboos or judgements. People who care and who want to help. I'm sorry you're going through all of this (I'm sorry anybody has to go through this) but I hope you believe that there is a way out, there is healing.

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

Top
#171316 - 08/06/07 08:16 AM Re: How do you let the people in your life know... [Re: Lazarus]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Thanks innerpeace,
I have come a long way and have grown from some of the most painful stuff. I know there is more. I thought I was over the CSA. I was wrong. I believe we all are right where we need to be.
The teacher appears when the student is ready.
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

Top
#171326 - 08/06/07 08:50 AM Re: How do you let the people in your life know... [Re: Danbuff]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Ok, Here goes and I might sound like a freak or even a perp, but I have to put this out there. Arjay369 says So how do you let them know? How do you tell them, just hold me...no hanky panky or sexual stuff whatsoever, if you love me then just hold me?

I crave to be held by a man and I am single,but my fear is if someone who I wanted to hold me would cause arousal. I would be ashamed and torn between lust,and the good nurturance or healthy part of the experience. My abuse was sometimes incest. This goes back to my original post about being confused on meaning when men are nice. I feel very screwed up and wraught with shame. There is only one person I would trust to hold me but it is my therapist who I respect and admire. But him holding me would cross the boundaries. I would possibly be a little uneasy if he were to hold me. But I find it intersting and with great relief that RJ said he sometimes wanted to be held. I think so too. I want to be held in a non-sexual way but am afraid of what could result. I hope I am clear and wonder if others can relate or offer some feedback. Thanks in advance.
Dan

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.