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#161482 - 06/13/07 03:43 PM How it started with my neighbor...TRIGGERS
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I suppose I've read enough of your posts up to now, I would like to share the details of my abuse with you guys at this point. It just feels like it's time to hash it out.

It's probably understandable that right about when I was realizing that my earliest sexual experience was unhealthy, I was afraid to remember how old my abuser was at that time. I was afraid that if his age was too close to my own that it wouldn't have been considered abuse, and that it would somehow be my fault.

My perp was our babysitter from time to time, and I remember the whole thing starting out as a game, where we would "moon" each other (it was me and my older brother, and the neighbor and his older brother). We would just show our butts to each other to gross each other out. I guess you could call it typical teenage guy stuff, but I was not even close to being a teenager at the time. I remember watching the oldest do it and feeling something I had never felt before. There was a strong sexual energy. I didn't know it at the time but that feeling was an immature form of desire. I hadn't fully realized I was gay yet or what that even was. He was a soccer player with a very lean and muscular build. I felt my first real sexual attraction, and it was powerful. I remember hoping to be in a position to see what was going on "in the front" the next time he pulled his pants down to moon one of the other boys. I'm sure it must have been obvious to him what I was doing.

Things progressed from just mooning to actually trying to sneak up on each other and wipe your butt crack against them (kinda funny I guess), but the oldest guy was pretty much running the show, we were following his lead. After that it gradually turned into this game where we would pretend to "come-on" to each other in a sort of gay fashion, but with me and the oldest it just kept going. Eventually there was touching of private parts, and then I actually told him that I wanted to try performing oral sex on him. I didn't use those words but I remember being very embarassed to ask, and stumbling over the words. My innocence was really exposed at that moment. That's how it all began.

I am feeling a lot of shame right now for admitting how much personal responsibility it APPEARS I had (old feelings) but I am in full recognition of my vulnerable position now as an adult. He probably would have kept it going like that with whomever was responding. I was the only one that kept responding.

It took me years just to remember that I was about 10 years old the first time there was actual pants-open activity (I'm still not sure), but I definitely remember in the days afterwords thinking to myself, "I had sex with a sixteen year-old boy". I also feel a little ashamed that at the time, I thought it was some sort of achievement, like I had moved to a higher level of some sort.

That distorted concept of "achievement" seems to be the first sign of actual damage being done to me. I guess that was when I first started to equate sex with social acceptance.

I wasn't getting any attention at home due to my father's schizophrenia being in full-swing for the first time ever. The whole family just shut down and kept waiting for Dad to "pull it together". Of course that never happened. I'm pretty sure that's how I got drawn into such an activity. No one noticed that something was happening to me. Everyone in the family was too busy trying to understand what was happening in general, but it was a result of how Dad was behaving. Talking to people who weren't there, pacing up and down from the front door to the back, ALL DAY LONG, smoking cigarettes like there was no tomorrow, hardly bathing anymore, sleeping in his truck, not being able to keep any job for more than a few days, not knowing why you are getting spanked or why you got beat with a 2 by 4 when you were 4 are just a few of the things that come to mind right now.

When I look at the list of strange things it doesn't seem much different from having an alcoholic around. Of course I don't know what that's really like so I don't mean to offend anyone that actually had an alcoholic parent.

I don't care so much anymore about feeling ashamed of my memories. I have learned that the shame perpetuates the damage, and I won't entertain it anymore if I can spot it.



Do any of you guys have similar memories?

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#161575 - 06/14/07 10:12 AM Re: How it started with my neighbor...TRIGGERS [Re: cbfull]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
CB...

I had a lot of early sexual experiences (outside of abuse) and most were, in some ways, initated by me. I know the shame you speak of. I too , at a young age, realised that my sexual "energies" were focused on boys and not girls.

I guess there are a few instances that I didnt note in my survivor story that could be construde as sexual abuse but I felt like alot of it was my fault for intiating the "sexual contact" in some way. I wanted it and it wasnt abusive. Most the guys were a couple years older than I...do I consider it abuse...not really. In those instances there was no "rape", no penetration, just oral. Am I ashamed...NO...I knew it was me exploring my sexuality. There was a big difference between my abuse and my explorations.


The comment on social acceptance and sex hits close to home. I used to think...honestly....the only way to make a man happy was sex. Its a little different than social acceptance, I guess. Either way when sex starts so young it warps your perception.
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#161578 - 06/14/07 11:10 AM Re: How it started with my neighbor...TRIGGERS [Re: pain4ever]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Thanks for the response Brian.

I want to say at this point that I am not posting this to try and rid myself of feelings of guilt or fault, I am trying to step into my shoes again and recall the events as accurately as I can. I already know that the experience traumatized me, and by trying to stay subjective, I believe I have a better chance of getting to the bottom of my feelings today.

I also realize that to many of you the original post may not sound particularly traumatizing, and I understand that because what I described was only how the contact was initiated. The actual abuse comes into realization when you consider the difference in maturity levels, he was somewhat of an authority figure (babysitter), and the most important factor, which I will attempt to go into briefly. My hope is to let others perhaps realize that CSA traumatization is not always black and white. There is a subtle progression of events happening here that is very damaging, and it also came with the same sense of secrecy that is so damaging to a young boy.

The most damaging part of this relationship could probably be attributed to the fact that he was not particularly interested in the "mutual" aspect of pleasure. In fact, the next time we were all together, I became very paranoid that he had told everyone else what I had done. He was joking around with a hot dog and pretending to perform oral sex on it for some reason, and he made a gag/choke sound that was obviously mimicking the choking that I experienced when I tried to pleasure him for the first time. When I saw his face I felt so degraded and humiliated, and that's the very first time I remember feeling the intense shame, guilt, and humiliation. The thing is, I thought those feelings were my fault. I didn't realize how dispicable his behavior was. Now that I think about it, I am pretty sure he could see how embarassed I was at the time because he stopped laughing when he looked at me, but he said nothing.

I remember the first time he tried to reciprocate the oral sex, he quickly stopped, ran to the bathroom to spit (I don't know what he was spitting out) and said that it "felt like sucking on a piece of velvet". I believe he pretty much already knew that he wasn't going to let that become a regular part of our activities.

In the many months that followed, our perhaps weekly encounters involved almost entirely focusing on his pleasure, and I guess I thought that was okay. Perhaps the intensity of my own newely discovered desires blinded me to the fact that I was being used. During the escalation of intensity (there was usually a lot of kissing and "grinding"), it was not uncommon for him to say to me, "I love you", which I felt was a little bit weird but I said it back anyway.

I can remember many times while providing my "services" that I wasn't enjoying what I was doing at all, and I really disliked the musky smell of that reagion of his anatomy. I even remember him telling me about a girl that went down on him and how she did such a good job it was amazing. He made this big slurp sound, and I realize now that he was basically trying to tell me to go to completion and swallow. Luckily, I knew there was no way I was going to try that so I just ignored the remark.


Please, comments are welcome (and encouraged) not matter what the nature of them may be. I will try to develop this further as memories emerge.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#161579 - 06/14/07 11:18 AM Re: How it started with my neighbor...TRIGGERS [Re: cbfull]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
CB...

Mine never involved any reciprocation as well. It was , of course, wrong for him to psychologically tourchure you with the hot dog things...its a sick power play that I think almost all of us encountered.

I too thought that these things I was doing meant love. It just took me a while and until i grew up to separate the love from what I was doing and realized i was ,in a way, revictimizing my self because of my abuse.

I appreciate what you are trying to do. I hate the whole thing of ...well you are gay..so you must have liked it. No it was abuse of the situation and power over us. Thank you for attempting to show that to others.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#161590 - 06/14/07 02:27 PM Re: How it started with my neighbor...TRIGGERS [Re: pain4ever]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Glad that you posted your story, it is such a big step. Your response sounds so normal and appropriate for what was done to you, hopefully, you will let go of the shame as you were doing your best to please him without a whole lot of social skills due to your age/experience and basic needs for approval. Everytime I hear of a young boy being molested, I am saddened by the baggage it can create for all of us.

You were used for his pleasure and he didn't reciprocate. That had nothing to do with your being worthy of an equal relationship which I hope you enjoy today where yours as well as your partner's needs deserve addressing.

I am not sure if you have made the step into counselling yet. It helped me understand my role in the molestation and what was normal and appropriate for me to feel vs the guilt, inadequacy, and the kind of responses I ended up with. I think you posting took alot of courage and that it will help in your recovery.
Good for you!!!!!!!

Take care,

B


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#161712 - 06/15/07 11:14 AM Re: How it started with my neighbor...TRIGGERS [Re: Barney]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Thanks guys.

Yes, I have been to quite a few counsellors, the only one that really made a difference was the gay male (imagine that). He was the one who pointed out to me that the circumstances of this sexual experience were inappropriate and damaging. It was the breakthrough I had been desperately searching for, for so, so long. He also helped me recognize my father's emotional unavailability (and subsequently, the family's emotional unavailability) and how it plays into all of this. I think I was about 25 years old at the time of the breakthrough.

I have been to a few since then, but almost entirely for the incessant anxiety and depression.

It really sucks that even after we identify the source of our worst troubles, we still have the terrible burden of doing ALL of the work of correcting the damage, which only starts happening once we can be convinced that it is possible and worth the time and effort. I'll say it again IT REALLY, REALLY SUCKS.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#162507 - 06/20/07 03:22 PM Re: How it started with my neighbor...TRIGGERS [Re: cbfull]
Patrick63 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 26
Loc: Knoxville, Tennessee
CB,

I wanted to weigh in here as well. I was thinking about when I was 11 or so, I started to get pubic hair and the next time I slept with my uncle, I wanted him to feel it. This was perhaps the 5th or 6th time I had sexual contact with him. He didn't make me initiate the contact, but I wanted it! I think that the reason I wanted it was that my mom and dad had stopped showing me affection once I got around 8 or 9. I believe that kids need a hug and a kiss from dad every now and again. For the longest time, I have believed that I was the one in the wrong, but perhaps I just wanted to have someone hold me. Perhaps he had molded me through the previous abuse to want that kind of affection from a man. I remember laying my head on his chest and wanting it to stay like that, but he had other ideas and pushed my head to his nether regions. I don't think he made me swallow his load, but I remember him finishing and him saying..."now remember, this is our little secret". But it ain't a secret no more! Too bad, my mom and dad wouldn't listen to me when I was a little boy and tried to tell them what happened. Perhaps my life would be very different right now!

I don't blame being gay on the abuse because I used to watch Johnny Quest as a little boy and was attracted to Race Bannon's and Doctor Quest's masculinity. He was a hot cartoon!

_________________________
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandmother. Not screaming in terror like her passengers

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#162511 - 06/20/07 04:07 PM Re: How it started with my neighbor...TRIGGERS [Re: Patrick63]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Wow, thanks Patrick. That opens up my eyes a little more to what the lack of affection (verbal, physical, and emotional) from our parents can lead to.

Whenever one of our encounters would begin, I remember him always saying, "pull up your shirt" and then pressing our stomachs together (standing up or lying down). I'm sure the skin contact got him aroused. I don't remember it being particularly arousing for me, but I understood very quickly why he would do that.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#163422 - 06/26/07 03:56 AM Re: How it started with my neighbor...TRIGGERS [Re: cbfull]
gyo Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/26/07
Posts: 4
Loc: u.k
i think the fact, of part of the matter is he was in a power of authority and was given this power by i presume his parents and yours. So therfore he was entrusted with the protection and care of you as a young child and he abused this level of authority. Like many otjhers in all the different levels of authority. From babysitters to priests, teachers to coaches.

I too was abused at the age of 6/7 by my babysitter who was 14 at the time, he was of course entrusted to care for me, look after me and of cousre he abused that trust and any trust that i had in him.

My abuse took place in sim il,ar circumstances to yours but i was not sexually turnede on whatsoever all that stuff happened a little later and the purpose of my babysitter was to terrify me so that i would not tell anyone else. So of course there was no room for me to be aroused just scared shitless!!.

Even though you state you were turned on, having these feelings of original desire for the first time in your life probably. he still in no way whatsoever should of abused the authority he had in supposedly protecting you, abusing the trust of you and all parents involved.

jeez i ramble! Remember friend you were the child, love always g


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#163874 - 06/28/07 03:01 PM Re: How it started with my neighbor...TRIGGERS [Re: gyo]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Thanks g,

Your response reminds me of something that I have been thinking about more and more as the years go by. While many of us come here hoping to find enlightenment through the wisdom of others who have struggled with similar pains and found some degree of resolution, it is important to recognize that everyone one of us has been through very unique and personal abuse circumstances.

I wouldn't be surprised if many of us here feel slightly disheartened from time to time when we find someone who's circumstances were very much like our own, and then as we dig deeper we find that our situations were actually quite different. I think there is a tremendous amount of strength that can be derived from that. Since each one of us must define ourselves and choose our own growth, it gives us a sort of strength that is much harder for someone to take from us again.

What I guess I am trying to say is that I have found that I don't need someone else to confirm that what happened to me was wrong and damaging, although it does help. By having all of our experiences be truly unique, we have the opportunity to achieve maximum personal strength and recovery.

Does this make any sense?

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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